I woke up this morning thinking about you & wondering what you would do in my sitch. Thinking about it further, I decided we're a little too close in where our R's fall to give much more than support & ((()))'s.
Looks like you have some goals listed, are there any applicable to your current outlook?
I'll have to go back to Gypsy's thread to look for;
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Gypsy's 'under the surface' list...
I hope you're getting the rest you need, it can be really tricky when you're undergoing big shifts.
I woke up this morning thinking about you & wondering what you would do in my sitch. Thinking about it further, I decided we're a little too close in where our R's fall to give much more than support & ((()))'s.
Try me...it can't hurt...here or elsewhere; i'll keep looking.
And yes, I do think that those very basic goals are all related to me taking more control over me...I feel very certain that H is going to follow through with things, even though there is still weirdness at times. And while there is a small bit of "I'll show him what he's left" involved, it's really more just buckling down and really doing some things for me that I keep having trouble following through on. The weight issue is a real stumbling block for me and my self-image, so it's all inter-related.
I've been so tired at night lately, awake too much in the middle of the night; will try to post a better update tonight. H has been at home last couple nights since OW's kids have been home (never any discussion about why he's stayed, of course, and I've just accepted it as a matter of course for now); today H starts in the corp apt. he told me he started in two weeks ago (Maybe 'quit snooping once and for all' should be another goal...although on balance, i don't regret doing it)
I'm worried about you (((Sunny)))...let me know what's going on.
Boy, time flies whether you are having fun or not...
H has spent more nights here than at his "pad" over the last week...since S12 still doesn't know, H returns here prior to 6am (like around 5:30am this morning i noticed)...
Feel like I'm getting ready to step up to the line to set some boundaries...but I'm not even really sure about what! Just feeling very unsettled...
Boy, did you just ask the $64,000 question...H dragged me into a major one tonight...I'll be back on in a little while to lay it out after he takes off for the night.
I'm okay; more just so very sad that he is so totally unwilling/able to shoulder even a smidgeon of the responsibility for this, and although he says he's miserable about sleeping at this apt. and so lonely (yea, right...) says he just doesn't see how he can ever forgive me and try to build anew.
What does he need to forgive you for? I think the stand we take in the beginning of this mess is what will direct the relationship later. I messed mine up, hope you can do better.
Are you going to do the double feature with us on Saturday? Italian Job and Must Love Dogs.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Feel like I'm getting ready to step up to the line to set some boundaries...but I'm not even really sure about what! Just feeling very unsettled...
Maybe this brought on this;
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I'm okay; more just so very sad that he is so totally unwilling/able to shoulder even a smidgeon of the responsibility for this, and although he says he's miserable about sleeping at this apt. and so lonely (yea, right...) says he just doesn't see how he can ever forgive me and try to build anew.
I know that both are responsible for getting here, but he is the one that is having an A. Laying all the blame on you when he's sensing there's some boundary setting coming on is telling.
JUST UNDER THE SURFACE..........................WHO I WAS
I am a leader..............................................Lost I am accepting............................................Needy ----He sees it He finds me attractive..................................Guilty I want focus................................................Confused He knows who I am.....................................Worthless I want honesty from both of us.....................Emotional Heart of gold...............................................Begging and Pleading Sensitive and caring.....................................Doubt Control of my .life.......................................Controlling Communicate freely....................................No Communication
I made a smaller version which I carry in my teenie wallet in my tiny purse. When I start getting whacky, I look at the list and remind myself which mindset I want.
Thanks for dropping in...it's been a long day/night...
H started up a R convo before dinner tonite. Wanted to know what I meant in an earlier convo about not wanting to be in the kind of R we have now, to live like this/continue this way, or something close to that. Wanting to know if I meant that I had decided that things were hopeless and wanted to end things, come to more or less the same conclusion that he had... (this convo occurred about 3 weeks ago; on the night he told me he had 'taken a sublet for a couple of weeks...in reality, sleeping at OWs for most of 2 weeks while her kids were away. Since then H has actually taken a month-to-month corp rental in bldg where he told me he was staying)
I told him that while I realized how our current R sucked and that our M was really dead, that what I wanted was for us to be able to forgive each other and to try to build a new R(which I've said before). H then talks a little about the apt...which is what I think is really upsetting him...how He hates going over to that apt; it's awful and lonely and he thinks that's how things are going to be [which i don't believe for a minute; pretty clear that OW is breathing down his neck to take more bold, decisive action to be with her] and how much he hates the idea of being away from Ss, the fact that he felt humiliated working with 20-something who owned the apt when he questioned why he was leasing...
But then, as if on cue, H launches into his litany of nearly 20 years of pain being married to me...sadly, H blames me for all our troubles, and that my refusal to face my problems and how they impacted our M is the root of it all; that I made excuses for years about everything/denied all the problems....that he was so clear and direct about things that were wrong with us(read me) and that I refused to address any of them. That my own personal issues, my turning away from our sex life, various situations where he believes I betrayed him (related to not being proactive in literally standing up for him/confronting people in some lousy professional situations over the years) have lead him to have enormous contempt/disgust for our R.
How that he had turned down opportunities to 'stray'...and how impt it was that a spouse listen/appreciate. That he felt he could find that with someone else [I held my tongue; only commented "Iknow you can; I know you have..."; not sure he caught that i said that bit]
And there is truth in what he says...I am far from blameless. It stems largely from my serious issues with self-esteem, and my inability/inaction for a long time to address that honestly. Of course, it's also way more complicated than that, and I have tried so very hard to make things right, and did all the way along...just in really ineffective/counterproductive ways. And, sadly, H doesn't buy any of that, never has. And, of course, since all of this is in the past, there is no way to go back and fix my actions...this is the context in which H says he doesn't see how he can ever forgive me...brushes over a mention that that's one of his 'faults'...
I say several times how sorry I am for the pain I have caused; H says how I regarded him for so long as a bully/me as a victim (of course, these days he's the one who is all about being a victim...) Says that one of the reasons he wanted to marry me is because of how smart I am...but that I have played 'dumb' (when I asked about this, he contends that I've just not 'gotten it' about how screwed up we were) ANd then goes into it again about saying anything to my friends, and how he doesn't want to do anything with them...
Talking about what will happen when S12 leaves for college, and it will just be us. How he just can't stand the thought of it...
THere's some more, but that's more than enough...when I look at this on the printed page, I really do wonder why in the h$ll I let this happen to me...actually, I do know. I'm guessing it's residual guilt over my role in all this; I told H tonight that I had felt unworthy of him over the years, that a lot of our sexual issues were from my feelings of inadequacy...
I still struggle with feelings of enormous responsibility for this...way too much, according to my IC. I probably was somewhat of a WAW within our M; H is rather a bully when he can be.
Sorry for such a ramble...I feel like I did pretty well, even though I engaged way too much. I validated (probably way too much...) and didn't get weepy or grasping. I did make known again what I would like to have happen...but pretty much just left it at that...
And there you have it...H headed out around 10pm [guessing it's to stop by OW's for a while once her Ss are in bed...] and I'm here trying to figure out what/where to go from here...
I know what's coming up; I just have to know how best to address it...
(Maybe 'quit snooping once and for all' should be another goal...although on balance, i don't regret doing it)