I had a work phone call and had to work - hate it when that happens...
To be able to influence her - I need to stay in the loop. If I judge her - she will clam up and run away. It took a lot for her to trust me enough to tell me. She values my opinion and was afraid of my reaction - probably why she told me when I was pretty drunk. Something that happens maybe once a year on my B-day.
She is finally starting to believe that her H's behavior is not a reflection of her own sexuality - but rather a function/reaction to his abuse.
So I am making progress there.
She use to believe he had the option of choosing to respond to her - that he was ignoring her by choice - or b/c he found her unattractive.
She is in a downward spiral right now - since here step mother died a couple of months ago She was drinking and has caught herself. She was taking sleeping pills - dangerous combination - and is off of that. I pick her up to go to yoga with me - and it is helping her at least sleep at night.
Her biological mother and sister were both very physically abusive when she was growing - so there are other reasons why she may be pre-disposed to not have the greatest self esteem.
I learned the hard way with The X. I cannot rescue people from themselves. He suffered from depression. I can give them my hand and leave it there till they are ready to take it. The rest is out of my control.
Truth is I can tell M GF where I think she is suppose to go based on social norms, etc. But really it is a fact pattern that makes it very hard to absolutely quantify right and wrong.
I know M GF really loves her H and her affair is a reaction to her own hurt b/c she thinks he doesn't love her and that he doesn't find her attractive.
There was a poster in this forum several years ago that had a similar fact pattern and filed for D. All that poster wanted was validation of her attractiveness and sexuality from her H and she finally gave up. Was it better for the children? I honestly don't know. This man was a step father and the only father these kids had known. And by her own admission he was a really good father. There was so much anger and hurt - and of course a D introduces so much more gunk - kids having to tip toe around parents. I am not a C - I have no idea if it was the right thing. The older I get- the harder it is for me to see cases where it is completely right or completely wrong. Usually it is a combination of both.
take care, AG
AG,
That smells of what my exW did to me.... exW acted out on a bunch of false assumptions.... exW assumed she did not mean anything to me....
I said,
Quote:
None of this stuff means ANYTHING. We can put the cars in the garage... AND burn everything to the ground.... INCLUDING my guitar collection..... We can walk away hand in hand with JUST the clothes on our back..... AND I would be happy....
The dumb a$$ just stood there looking at me...
Your friends needs to communicate with her H..........
Take Care,
NMD
Last edited by No_More_Dodo; 07/07/0807:32 PM.
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
