Hi everyone. Things were going great here for a long time, and today just sucked.
Kids and I gave H a day at the golf course. He invited three other AF guys and they all went for their t-time which was at 6:55 am. H left the house b/4 any of us were awake. H told me yesterday he'd be home by the latest 2:30pm. Well, all day went by, I called his cel several times, NO H.
Finally, he drags his butt in at 5:45pm. Drunk as a skunk. Can't even talk. My kids were screaming "daddy, daddy", and I'm ushering him upstairs so they don't have to see him like that. (This is the very first time I have EVER seen H drunk, so I'm still shocked!).
We were supposed to go out for pizza, the kids made him presents. My older D who is 3 1/2 kept asking when he would get home, when can she give him her present, when can we go get pizza. She wouldn't even eat dinner because she wanted pizza with daddy for Father's Day. I had to feed them at 5pm because they were so hungry, but even then, older D wouldn't eat.
So, first thing I said to H when he got home (after how did you get here - other guy took him home), was "You know, I had one H like this before and I don't need another one". My XH was an alcoholic, so days like this were not rare! He said, or rather, slurred "one time babe, this is one time". Whatever.
I guess it just brought me back to when I used to go through it on a daily basis years ago. Anyway, I'm pissed, sad for my kids, angry, etc.
H passed out in bed as soon as he got upstairs. He was asleep until I went up at 10:30. It's now 11pm here in HI. I woke him up and asked him to move over so that I could get in bed. Then, I just couldn't help myself, I asked if he was sorry. He said yes, that he only had a few (BS, he probably just doesn't remember having all that he had, I find it hard to believe that he could get that drunk on just a few). So, I said don't you think we were all upset waiting on you with no calls or anything? We had plans, H. He said "I didn't think it would be a big deal". Oh no he didn't!
Then, he said they left the golf course and came back to our base, RIGHT DOWN THE ROAD to the little par 3, and sat for ANOTHER 3 hours at that clubhouse. Now, if I wasn't pissed before, I am now. Right down the road. Why didn't you call H? H: I didn't realize the time. Why didn't you just come home when you were finished golfing? H: I don't know, I didn't think it would be a big deal. Obviously, he's still a bit lit-up because he was slurring a bit. Then, he GOT PISSED AT ME!! Got up and started to stagger downstairs saying he was going to sleep on the couch. Then, I start crying, saying I'm sorry I upset him, etc. I was crying "can't you just understand why I'm so upset?". H: I don't want to talk about it now. I said "I'll sleep downstairs". So, I went downstairs, crying my eyes out, he comes downstairs. To apologize? NOPE. To get some water. I follow him upstairs and say "when can we discuss this". H: I was going to apologize in the morning. ME: I can't understand why I'm feeling so guilty for being angry. I'm upset for the kids, I'm upset because I was worried about you, and you're angry that I want to discuss it. I didn't do anything wrong". He said :I know you didn't do anything wrong, but I'm tired.
So, here I am downstairs, crying, typing, wishing I was a drinker.
You know, I have spent the last 7 months DBing, doing 180's, etc. Changing my responses, changing myself, etc. Yet, maybe he seems to feel that since things have gotten better, he can do what he wants and I won't make a stink because if I do, the problems will happen again? Maybe he thinks I won't make a stink because I don't want to rock the boat. Who knows. I am so upset right now. I feel like he should have been apologizing left and right. He didn't spend ANY time with his kids today, broke his promise about having pizza for dinner with them, and I'M THE ONE FEELING BAD!!
Sure, I'm nervous about being seen as the stubborn, B*#ch that he used to see me as, but don't I have a right to get upset about things? What am I supposed to do? Let this go without showing/telling that I'm upset and have him let us down again because he'll think he can because Jill is such a wuss??
Things were so great for so long. He is not a drinker, he has never been drunk in all the time we've been married. I saw him a little buzzed years ago, but never drunk. The guys he was with are all married. Only one or two have kids. But, what kind of men are these that they don't spend time with their kids on father's day??? Is that the norm now? Is it ok to disappoint a 3 year old? And an almost 2 year old???
I don't even know what to say to him tomorrow. Right now, I don't even know how I feel. I want him to hurt like he's hurt me so many times, that's probably how I feel. But you know what? Jill is so sweet and nice, that I CALL WHEN I'M GOING TO BE LATE, I DON'T DO CRAP LIKE THIS. I don't blow off my plans with my family. The drinking thing isn't even that bad to me because he never does that, it's the fact that he didn't even care that he blew us off.
What could he possibly say to me tomorrow that will make this better? I just don't know. I guess I'm just pissed at myself too, for being too much of a coward right now to get really pissed off at him in front of him. I didn't want to do that because it might make him upset and cause a downward spiral, and then we'd be back to where we were 7 months ago.
I just can't believe him. To be so indignant about it. To be so cavalier, and uncaring. Like we didn't even matter. Maybe that's what Jill should be. Maybe I should blow him off, act like I don't give a rat's a$$ about him, how would he like it?? I've never done that to him, but I'm SO tempted to give him a taste of his own medicine. I'm tired of not rocking the boat.
