Question for live-in WAWs

[kptch]

Thanks for the reply.

Growing up I had a great family but looking back we were not good communicators in an emotional way. I did not know how to be a good communicator in a marriage. I did not open up to her when things were bothering me with my business, about finances, or just how I was feeling in general. I did not think she would really want to hear that. Looking back, those were the things I should have been talking about to make us feel close. I did not treat her as a best freind. She probably thought why share her feelings with me anymore.

I thought I was doing things to show her I loved her cared. The problem was what I thought would be important to her were important but not the most important. I was leaving out the things that would keep us emotionally connected. Things like giving her a hug and kiss when I get home or before going to sleep instead of just in the morning before I left for work. I should have called her more during the day to see how she was and how her day had been going. I should have taken time after the kids were settled to stop and catch up for a few minutes. There were times when I would make a decision about something and not ask her what she thought. I thought is was making the best decsion for us but I should have asked her opinion. When a big decision would come up I should have listened to her side of the story and not think my way was the best way. I am not really a controlling person. I should have been more open and honest. I never tried to hide anything. It just seemed that way to her. I would joke that I did not need to look at her to hear what she was saying. I could be looking at something else and repeat it all back. I now know that I should have stopped, acknowledged her, looked her in the eyes and listened. I am realizing more and more I did not do a good job of listening.

I am sure there is something else I am missing with her. I hope what I said above covers at least 90% of the problems. That is what I got out of the books I have been reading. That is why I want to change for both of us. I just want to be a sponge and learn as much as I can.

The sad part is that when we had a talk about this about 2 years ago I listened and tried to change. The big problem was that I really did not know what I needed to change. I thought I was doing the things she wanted but I was so far off. I wish I would have read these books then. I probably would not be in this sitchuation today.

I have not read the book on the 5 love languages. That may be the next one I read.

I am scared to ask any questions like the on you mentioned at this point. I think she might say you would know if you would have asked or talked more with me. On the other hand, I want to ask it now because I want to make sure I am working on fixing the right things and not just thinking I am working on the right things.

When I said that I realized what I was not giving her, I told her that I did not want a divorce. She said that after 4 years I finally get it. She said that we should live apart for a while and that she would not make any promises. Part of me thinks that she believes I can't change.

I am not going to do this now but I want to sit her down and tell her everything I have learned. Tell her what I want out of the marriage and see if I really get it. See if we are on the same page. I want to know what she wants from me so I can give it to her. If I can make her happy I know I will be a lot happier with our relationship. I want the communication and affection to be there. I really missed that. I know it will be a lot of work for both of us.

I appreicate your help.