Hi DNO, thanks for looking me up! Things have stabilized a bit again, since my discovery of his e-mails and all my words to him. I've had a couple of more "episodes" and have now stopped them. They do me no good. And I've finally come to realize that they have hurt our sitch. I've been reading back on past posts and threads and have noticed that I pushed me backward in this sitch.

Not alot has really changed. He still is using work as a shield and an excuse, although now he knows that I know this and realize this. He's admitted to it. I took my kids to Six Flags last week for several days. It was a lot of fun. I did ask H if he wanted to go, he seemed interested and a bit excited about going, but of course couldn't get away from work.

But I did a 180 that did surprise him I think. We got back last Thur. He knew this. I never called him when we got back. I told a girlfriend that he'll be calling me on Mon. Sure enough, he called at 5:10pm (he's offically off the clock at 5pm, although he's salary and works mega hours). The first thing out of his mouth is "I was just checking to see if you'd gotten back, I hadn't heard from you". I told him we got back on Thur, just like I had said. And didn't give him any explanation as to why I hadn't called. I was pretty proud of myself.

We proceeded to talk for almost an hour about our racing mostly. That seems to be the most safe topic, oh yeah, and his work and how busy he is!

I have made some revelations that seem to be actually sticking for me. My C had made a comment about our R and that it's like an addiction. H can't seem to quite let go and neither can I. I also have come to the real conclusion, that H is still running. After all this time, he still has not taken anything personal. The only things he has taken with him is clothes. Of course I still don't know where he's living. Which is driving me crazy. It's the secretiveness that is driving me insane.

But I have to admit that I am feeling calmer this week. And am really working on doing things for myself. Starting Fri. My kids go back to school then!!!!
(They go to a year-round school). And to make it even better, my 6S starts first grade, which means all day, every day! Whoo Hoo!!

I am planning on using my time constructively. And I mean it this time! I want to start walking and riding my bike in the am, once they get on the bus. Then some writing and reading. Then who knows, thinking about taking a yoga class, or maybe get back into horseback riding, and taking some lessons. I loved to horseback ride as a kid and a teenager. Horses were my favorite thing in the whole world and want to explore that again.

Still have some really down days, but at least the knot in my stomach I was waking up with every morning has finally gone away. That's a good thing. I've also just signed up for my fall classes which are going to take up loads of my time. H again said he wanted to help with the kids since I have another night class, only one night a week this time. I am working out a schedule between him and the babysitter. It should work out ok. Hopefully.

Anyway, life is still in limbo for me. But I think I am finally learning some of the lessons of DB. (I know, but sometimes it takes me awhile ) and am feeling better about myself.

And wish me luck on Sat. I have another race! Not sure if I can keep up the times from the last one since I was so angry at H when I got those times. My H actually got brave and made a joke about it. He said, well then, I'll just have to make you mad at me again or I'll pinch you (or something to that affect).

I am fairly certain I am not going to file D, that if that's what he wants he can. I have spoken to several lawyers, so I know where I stand financially. But am not telling him that. And I don't ask if he wants a D. Who knows what that man thinks. I can't ever figure it out!

Comments and/or advice very welcome!

JL

Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...