JL..not JK..sorry...stopping in to see how you are doing..hope your son and the chicken pox are better..I thought kids don't get those anymore...I dreaded when my kids got them, but they did ok.
Hope you are able to something fun for yourself..just do one nice thing a day..it is a real mood booster to be able to laugh about anythng. Take one day at a time..you will come out stronger because of all of this.
Hi DNO, thanks for checking up on me. And thanks too to you hoping for your replies. I am trying to do one thing nice for myself each day, but its been really hard.
S6 is doing much better with his chicken pox. He had a high fever for 3 days which was hard on him, I felt so bad for him. H came over Mon night to see him. When he got here I left for a couple of hours. I did get a "Happy Birthday" from him along with a hug and a kiss, but I wonder if it was because of the BDay cards on the counter.
And I was right, he didn't say hardly anything about this mess he's put us in. He was getting ready to go, came up to me and ruffled my hair(?) and said he had 3/4 of a letter for me in response to the letter I sent. Said he'd finish it and send it the next day (Tue). Still haven't gotten it. I did bring up some of the things I touched on in my letter to clarify them, but he wouldn't say anything. Only I'll get my letter to you. I've got to learn to put tape on my mouth!!
I called him Thur to ask him about a check being missing from an acct we have. He called back later saying, oh yeah I forgot to tell you, just like with the receipts huh? He said he was running low on money but wasn't sure how much he had left. Then says he'd call in the am the next day (fri) to work out seeing S6 either Sat or Sun to do something with him. Never heard from him. I finally called this am and left messages on 2 cell phones and his work voicemail, saying he needed to call him to let me know what he was planning. I was mad!
He called about an hour later, saying he was thinking of taking S6 on Sun to an old fashioned village with a working steam engine that you can ride on. I wanted to clarify with him if he was including me or not (a while back he was making these arrangements assuming I was going, while I was assuming I wasn't). He said he hadn't thought about it, but it would be fun if we all went. He just wants it fun though, not for it to get bitchy (his word). Is that how he sees me right now? I've never been a bi*** in my life!
Anyway, we decided I would go, but now I'm not so sure. I want to go, but should I bother? He didn't ask me, only b/c I brought it up. He did say that if he wanted it to be just him and S6, he would say so, but I'm not so sure.
I'm getting so run down with all of this. Since I found those e-mails from the OW talking about going on vacation, my stomach has been in knots, constantly. I wake up and it immediately starts. I wish he would just shoot me now, and get it over with!
What is it that I'm standing up for? A man who is disrespecting me, using me, and not having the balls to tell me the absolute truth about this sitch? And yet, I can't get past the grieving and the sadness. It surrounds me still.
My best friend and my Mom both support me but both think I need to act first and file. 2 different lawyers have told me its advantageous for me to file first. That basically I'm just in denial and not dealing with the reality of him never coming back. Is that really true? Am I just deluding myself that he'll want to try to make a better marriage?
I asked him today about how much he thought he'd be taking out of the acct. He said I'm not sure, about $2500. My thought runs to a lawyer's retainer fee. Am I leaping to conclusions, or ignoring the inevitable?
I feel like I'm drowning in all of this and can't seem to come back to the surface. And what do I do about going out with them tomorrow?
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
Oh yeah, I forgot that yesterday S6 and I were talking about his dad and that I wasn't sure if he would be coming back home. S6 said to me, "maybe you could just marry someone else, and they could be here for us all the time". Out of the mouths of babes. What does he see that I don't?
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
JL, Of course lawyers want you to file--that's their job. Although mine actually told me to wait until I was ready. Didn't expect to hear that one.
Anyway, did you ask your H what he needed that kind of money for? I know that you are thinking lawyer--but what about this vacation thing that you found out about. Would he be pulling money out for that? Sorry, I don't want to give you something else to worry about--but I am sure this thought probably already entered your mind. Do you have an account of your own somewhere? If not, maybe it's time to protect yourself some.
Quote: He called about an hour later, saying he was thinking of taking S6 on Sun to an old fashioned village with a working steam engine that you can ride on. I wanted to clarify with him if he was including me or not (a while back he was making these arrangements assuming I was going, while I was assuming I wasn't). He said he hadn't thought about it, but it would be fun if we all went. He just wants it fun though, not for it to get bitchy (his word). Is that how he sees me right now? I've never been a bi*** in my life!
JL, he probably thinks that your asking questions of him and bringing up R is bitc*ing right now. As far as you going with them, that's up to you. Do you think that you would have fun, or do you think that you would be trying to talk to him about OW or your R? I say go if you can go with the idea that you are just out with a friend having a good time. No R talks.
For you JL, don't file for D unless you are absolutely ready for that. But I would say, don't sit back and wait for things to happen to you--take control of your own life. I felt lost for a long time, and I am still grieving--but I felt better when I started taking action and control of my own life. If that means that you put a little money away for lawyers fees 'just in case' then do it. For me it was getting my own bank acct. and paying my bills myself. I also take care of things around here the best that I can. I don't have a choice right now, and it looks like it's something that I better get used to.
Do what you have to do for yourself. Take care of you and your kids. I felt threatened in some way, that's why I opened a separate acct., that's why I went and talked to a lawyer. I have found out this past year that I can survive without him. Didn't mean that I wanted to, I just didn't have the choice.
It will take time for you to see things clearly. I still don't understand how I got to this place, but I know that I cannot force him home, I cannot make him love me--but I do know that I am stronger than I ever was and am fully capable of surviving without him.
Hi DNO, thanks for looking me up! Things have stabilized a bit again, since my discovery of his e-mails and all my words to him. I've had a couple of more "episodes" and have now stopped them. They do me no good. And I've finally come to realize that they have hurt our sitch. I've been reading back on past posts and threads and have noticed that I pushed me backward in this sitch.
Not alot has really changed. He still is using work as a shield and an excuse, although now he knows that I know this and realize this. He's admitted to it. I took my kids to Six Flags last week for several days. It was a lot of fun. I did ask H if he wanted to go, he seemed interested and a bit excited about going, but of course couldn't get away from work.
But I did a 180 that did surprise him I think. We got back last Thur. He knew this. I never called him when we got back. I told a girlfriend that he'll be calling me on Mon. Sure enough, he called at 5:10pm (he's offically off the clock at 5pm, although he's salary and works mega hours). The first thing out of his mouth is "I was just checking to see if you'd gotten back, I hadn't heard from you". I told him we got back on Thur, just like I had said. And didn't give him any explanation as to why I hadn't called. I was pretty proud of myself.
We proceeded to talk for almost an hour about our racing mostly. That seems to be the most safe topic, oh yeah, and his work and how busy he is!
I have made some revelations that seem to be actually sticking for me. My C had made a comment about our R and that it's like an addiction. H can't seem to quite let go and neither can I. I also have come to the real conclusion, that H is still running. After all this time, he still has not taken anything personal. The only things he has taken with him is clothes. Of course I still don't know where he's living. Which is driving me crazy. It's the secretiveness that is driving me insane.
But I have to admit that I am feeling calmer this week. And am really working on doing things for myself. Starting Fri. My kids go back to school then!!!! (They go to a year-round school). And to make it even better, my 6S starts first grade, which means all day, every day! Whoo Hoo!!
I am planning on using my time constructively. And I mean it this time! I want to start walking and riding my bike in the am, once they get on the bus. Then some writing and reading. Then who knows, thinking about taking a yoga class, or maybe get back into horseback riding, and taking some lessons. I loved to horseback ride as a kid and a teenager. Horses were my favorite thing in the whole world and want to explore that again.
Still have some really down days, but at least the knot in my stomach I was waking up with every morning has finally gone away. That's a good thing. I've also just signed up for my fall classes which are going to take up loads of my time. H again said he wanted to help with the kids since I have another night class, only one night a week this time. I am working out a schedule between him and the babysitter. It should work out ok. Hopefully.
Anyway, life is still in limbo for me. But I think I am finally learning some of the lessons of DB. (I know, but sometimes it takes me awhile ) and am feeling better about myself.
And wish me luck on Sat. I have another race! Not sure if I can keep up the times from the last one since I was so angry at H when I got those times. My H actually got brave and made a joke about it. He said, well then, I'll just have to make you mad at me again or I'll pinch you (or something to that affect).
I am fairly certain I am not going to file D, that if that's what he wants he can. I have spoken to several lawyers, so I know where I stand financially. But am not telling him that. And I don't ask if he wants a D. Who knows what that man thinks. I can't ever figure it out!
Comments and/or advice very welcome!
JL
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
Hang in there. It ain't over yet. Things can't start to get better till your OK with his being gone. Once the clinging is totally gone he can start to see the real you. I have this funny feeling that you will be fine regardless of H's choices.
Hi JL. Glad to hear that you seem to be doing better. You seem to be heading in the right direction and taking control of your life.
You talk about your H running. Mine did the same thing. Ran away just taking a few clothes. Didn't tell me where he was living, or later, who with. I found everything out on my own and confronted him. I still don't know most of the things he has done this past year. He has some secret life, but openly takes her out so that friends and family have run into them. But he still hasn't introduced her to his Dad or Sister--doesn't even really talk about her, like she doesn't exist. I am sure that he will bring her out of the woodwork after the D. Like he's fooling people.
It's good that your H feels comfortable enough to talk on the phone with you for so long. And I also think that it's a good sign that he called to 'check up' on you. Hmmmm
Anyway, keep up the great work. Your PMA seems to be climbing back up. This is wonderful!
Out of the mouths of babes. What does he see that I don't? 
I want to start walking and riding my bike in the am, once they get on the bus. Then some writing and reading. Then who knows, thinking about taking a yoga class, or maybe get back into horseback riding, and taking some lessons. I loved to horseback ride as a kid and a teenager. Horses were my favorite thing in the whole world and want to explore that again.
) and am feeling better about myself.