Hi DNO, thanks for checking up on me. And thanks too to you hoping for your replies. I am trying to do one thing nice for myself each day, but its been really hard.

S6 is doing much better with his chicken pox. He had a high fever for 3 days which was hard on him, I felt so bad for him. H came over Mon night to see him. When he got here I left for a couple of hours. I did get a "Happy Birthday" from him along with a hug and a kiss, but I wonder if it was because of the BDay cards on the counter.

And I was right, he didn't say hardly anything about this mess he's put us in. He was getting ready to go, came up to me and ruffled my hair(?) and said he had 3/4 of a letter for me in response to the letter I sent. Said he'd finish it and send it the next day (Tue). Still haven't gotten it. I did bring up some of the things I touched on in my letter to clarify them, but he wouldn't say anything. Only I'll get my letter to you. I've got to learn to put tape on my mouth!!

I called him Thur to ask him about a check being missing from an acct we have. He called back later saying, oh yeah I forgot to tell you, just like with the receipts huh? He said he was running low on money but wasn't sure how much he had left. Then says he'd call in the am the next day (fri) to work out seeing S6 either Sat or Sun to do something with him. Never heard from him. I finally called this am and left messages on 2 cell phones and his work voicemail, saying he needed to call him to let me know what he was planning. I was mad!

He called about an hour later, saying he was thinking of taking S6 on Sun to an old fashioned village with a working steam engine that you can ride on. I wanted to clarify with him if he was including me or not (a while back he was making these arrangements assuming I was going, while I was assuming I wasn't). He said he hadn't thought about it, but it would be fun if we all went. He just wants it fun though, not for it to get bitchy (his word). Is that how he sees me right now? I've never been a bi*** in my life!

Anyway, we decided I would go, but now I'm not so sure. I want to go, but should I bother? He didn't ask me, only b/c I brought it up. He did say that if he wanted it to be just him and S6, he would say so, but I'm not so sure.

I'm getting so run down with all of this. Since I found those e-mails from the OW talking about going on vacation, my stomach has been in knots, constantly. I wake up and it immediately starts. I wish he would just shoot me now, and get it over with!

What is it that I'm standing up for? A man who is disrespecting me, using me, and not having the balls to tell me the absolute truth about this sitch? And yet, I can't get past the grieving and the sadness. It surrounds me still.

My best friend and my Mom both support me but both think I need to act first and file. 2 different lawyers have told me its advantageous for me to file first. That basically I'm just in denial and not dealing with the reality of him never coming back. Is that really true? Am I just deluding myself that he'll want to try to make a better marriage?

I asked him today about how much he thought he'd be taking out of the acct. He said I'm not sure, about $2500. My thought runs to a lawyer's retainer fee. Am I leaping to conclusions, or ignoring the inevitable?

I feel like I'm drowning in all of this and can't seem to come back to the surface. And what do I do about going out with them tomorrow?

Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...