Yup, the lectures about the predators are as much for me as you. I have to keep reminding myself these people are out there and I can't hate my W for falling for one.
It may also help you understand how your H made the choices he did as well. I am not saying it excuses them, but it may help you work through them ...these people just make the wrong road WAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too tempting.
It helped me to understand how easy it is to listen to these people and for these messes to show up...all it takes is for one designated driver to take a sip and before you know it accident city.
Keep workin on the mature detached female, if for no other reason...they are much sexier. lol
Charming...does he insult you outright like this often?
Yes he does but as you mentioned below it is to get the intended "fired up" response. He then tells me I need to relax.
I found something interesting in "After the Affair", edited for third party, originally written in second person:
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"Certainly, while [he's] having the affair, and even after it's revelaled, [he] may feel more anger toward [his] partner than guilt. That's because the two emotions are inversely related. The greater [his] anger, the less [his] guilt; the more venom [he] directs at [his] partner, the less [he] directs at [himself]."
"The anger [he] experinece[s] may be a legitimate response to the way [you have treated him], or defense against the guilt [he] feels for what [he's] done - it is human nature to hate those whom you have ingured - wrote Tacitus almost 2000 years ago. What makes it hard to know the difference is that anger always feel sjustified, its a basic character istic of the emotion."
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In reference to his baiting games and insults...Spring (ATA) suggests this is masked guilt. I will let you decide if this is the case in your home. I think it is the case in mine.
I have that book, I should read it, I started then quit before I actually knew the extent of what was going on because it was too painful to read about the emotions, that is back when I thought it was almost strictly an EA. Now I know different, and now I am not even sure where I am going and maybe it is worth another look.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
To be honest, ATA is written for the unfaithful/wayward spouse..Spring writes directly for that person, so you may find it hard to stomach at times...she oozes sympathy for ww spouses.
The content is excellent, but if you are the betrayed spouse you may find some of it hard to take without your stomach turning.
Not Just Friends is much better in my opinion, though both is better than either one alone.
The Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw is also excellent, its very much the same material as divorce remedy, but he caters to people in a more step by step approach compared to MWD's detailed conceptual approach.
Dr Phil lays things out Step 1, Step 2, etc...MWD isn't that hard headed about it...its really up toyou what style you like, both books again are excellent and reinforce each other quite well.
You think flinging an insult at the OW hurts him, but it actually just strokes his ego..it makes you look jealous, look like you love him, and look like a child.
Mark is brilliant!! I can testify this is the truth. When I was a ranting lunatic about OW (pressing for details, calling her bad names), H admitted he secretly loved it. Don't forget Mark, it also made me look immature and lacking any self respect! No more mention of OW or anything romantic at all with H.
You think flinging an insult at the OW hurts him, but it actually just strokes his ego..it makes you look jealous, look like you love him, and look like a child.
Mark is brilliant!! I can testify this is the truth. When I was a ranting lunatic about OW (pressing for details, calling her bad names), H admitted he secretly loved it. Don't forget Mark, it also made me look immature and lacking any self respect! No more mention of OW or anything romantic at all with H.
I also second Not Just Friends.
I know, if you only knew all the stuff I didn't say!
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
