Wow, that was a big day then and sounds like you did well. I dont understand the legaliteis, but I agree with the above post that shouldnt they just get you to settle out of court if you have average assets between you? Seems a little much to go to such extremes, and expensive!
About the dogs...thats not illegal in this country if the windows are wound down I think? People leave dogs in cars here, but people always call the police if the windows are wound up.
I agree that its wrong and unfair of your W to say she will "allow" you to see D...can you speak with her about this use of language? It makes me so mad !!! Fathers have rights too.
Yuo are sounding pretty together and you are going through a very difficult time right now. So what do you do for fun, aside from spend time with your D?
Ali x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Hi RTL - I am still on the road vacation for the next 8 days and have not been online much. It sounds like the disposition went well.
What really seems wrong is that no parenting plan has been established and followed. Your W should not be the one dictating when you can see Grace. I really hope this gets resolved quickly. The rest of the financials can take time, but I think it has dragged on far too long in regards to settling custody.
Hi RTL, I don't know how or why the L's went this horrendous way. What does anyone gain from this? And someone on this board a few days ago was trying to tell me "divorce is just a piece of paper"!?
Glad to hear from you all. Kerry, I'll bet you are having a great time and the weather is probably outstanding.
Well, I've been busy for the past few days and thus haven't posted here (or caught up w/ everyone else - which means I'm probably 3 new threads behind Kalni by now...oh, well). I'm going to try and catch up after several days off while D is still sleeping. I'll try to be brief, but you know me...
Anyway, I finally have the house interior painted. They finished around 2 pm on the 4th, so I really just hung out after that. D was w/ W for the 4th, and I did speak to her as well as W who wanted to tell me she had purchased a new 37 inch flat screen TV and was giving me all the information on why it was the top brand b/c "my TVs are old and you may want to replace them soon."
The saddest part about the 4th was W was stressed and tired and ended up falling asleep early w/ D and they missed the fireworks. D was upset about it when we talked the next morning and if I would have had her, I could have gotten her somewhere to see fireworks, even if it was on top of our roof here at the house. Oh, well. Nothing I can do about it, but it was still sad b/c she was so disappointed.
W and I had engaged in another text discussion on the 3rd, but this time I didn't apologize for myself. In fact, I told her I thought she was controlling of D's time w/ me and that I was being punished for wanting to see my D. W snapped back at that one and delivered her ultimatum for when I'll see D - complete w/ a "take it or leave it." She also brought up several of her past complaints about how I treated her and even threw a jab in about the dogs. That is the one that stung, b/c I love those boys and really made a bone-headed mistake. I don't need help crucifying myself for that one.
Our discussions got really interesting on Saturday the 5th, when D called me as I was putting the house back together and asked if she could see me earlier than scheduled. W got on the phone and we talked about it and then she asked if I had to go to court over the issue w/ the dogs on Monday. I told her about it and informed her that not only did I have to hire a criminal attorney for $5500 but I'll have to explain this every time I get my teaching license renewed or apply for a new job.
She was empathetic and said "Oh, Rob. I'm so sorry. I really am. Are you alright?" I told her I wasn't ok b/c I've kept beating myself up over this stupid thing since it happened. She then said "Did you mean to do it? Did you mean to hurt them?" I said no, and she followed w/ "Then stop beating yourself up." I was floored that she actually supported me here. It seemed like the woman I married not the angry one she's become of late.
So, I picked up D and we made more pottery at As You Wish, then ate, saw Kung Fu Panda again and went shopping at Target - Big Fun, Right? D and W talk around 5:15 b/c W sent a text telling me she was tired. D also tried to call her again at 7:30 and at 8:15, but only left messages.
W did call at 9:30 and I was reading to D before bed, so I let them talk. They did their goodnight thing, then W asked to talk w/ me. W told me she had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and when I asked why, she said she had gone to the ER last weekend w/ chest pains and this is something we'll need to talk about later. I'm curious and worried as to the severity of these pains. She's only 38, so what could be the cause of her chest pains? Stress? That's what I'm thinking.
On Sunday, W started a long text day by asking me if I'd like extra time w/ D and to return her on Tuesday instead of today. Of course I jumped at the chance and W said she was doing it b/c "You are struggling and I tought you might like her company." She also mentioned that not being w/ D "kills" her. When I replied that it "destroys me too" to not be w/ her, the can of worms opened up again. However, this time, I didn't apologize, but instead looked forward and every time I left things off at a point where the conversation could end, she'd pick it up minutes or even hours later and keep it going.
W went forward to talk how when she doesn't have D w/ her she's an emotional wreck who spends her time crying and puking b/c she's repressed all of her feelings and they have to come out sometime, somewhere. I did tell her I was sorry she was so physically beat up as I know what a toll that takes on her body but that it wasa good to not keep things locked inside. I kept trying to be as neutral as possible during this whole exchange. At one point I even said "...so aside from apologizing and changing my behavior, there isn't much I can do." I left it in her court and she kept going after the bait.
The real kicker came last night when it seemed as if our conversation was long dead when W sent this text:
Quote:
you know...in all this you have never once said I love you.
Ok, I was floored to see this and I told her that I was instructed not to say that a long time ago so I've stopped. She then said "and if I told you otherwise?" and added something about the divorce being akin to a war.
I then said the divorce "has nothing to do w/ my feelings for you" and it ended there w/out a reply. In case you are wondering, I am being truthful as my feelings for W are separated from the D. The D is its own entity and while it does make things difficult, when everything is considered, my feelings for W are separate from this entire process we're entangled in right now.
So, that is my story. The ILY bomb was incredibly interesting and only goes to prove my thoughts that she doesn't want the D after all. Oh, I'm still selling the house and moving forward in that direction and there is no way we'd live together again for a long, long while until we're able to determine if we can repair our M. However, I found it to be interesting that she seems to want me to tell her that I love her right now.
Well, maybe if she wasn't so mean, filled w/ anger, blaming and repressing all of her negative emotions, then we could actually begin to rebuild our lives together. I'm still only going 1/2 way w/ this and she's got to come a long, long way back as well as do a lot of repair and recanting of lies, stories and events, but it does seem like a positive, doesn't it?
Well, D is up and I've got to run. I'll look to catch up on everyone else when I get a chance, ok? I promise I haven't forgotten any of my friends here. I've just been busy.
Ok, I got another text from W - this time before 6 this morning. It simply asked "what have you told your family? Why are we getting divorced?"
I responded telling her I've told my family she is very upset w/ me and said she feels physically and mentally afraid of me. I told them she's very angry at me and feels as if I've abandoned her during our marriage. I also said I've told my family not to judge her as we'll always be connected as we have a daughter and that I won't allow them to bad mouth her at all.
I also asked why and wondered if she was concerned about what they thought about her right now.
I haven't heard a reply, but it is interesting coming on the heels of the "you never said you loved me" text from last night.
I'll keep you posted as to where things go from here, but don't worry. There is still WAAAAYYYYY too much work to do for me to just say "ok all is forgiven and you can come back." That isn't happening. Separation and trying to work on the marriage - that can happen, but she has to do a LOT of work on her end b/c I'm not doing this ever again.
My god! Same here!! Gosh, what a turnaround. Yes, dont lose your head, but thats incredible that she said that. She actually had a go at you for not telling her that you love her !!??? Then she wants you to love her. Or shes hurt to think you no longer love her. And the stuff about this is like a war and why are we getting D?? Wow, amazing!! I bet you will be booking a DB session over this one as I really am not sure what to say, things seem to keep changing. And it had looked so bleak at one point (although she was waaaaay to upset and angry to be done with you, she clearly still had buried feelings, under her anger and resentments). So I guess we could say she still cares?
It seems the reality of losing her D half the time is really really eating her up and she hadnt banked on that at all, which I guess is why she has been so viscious over the custody battle. She thought she could leave you and take D and you'd just get the one weekend in 2 that alot of Dads have to settle for. Truth is she misses her D terribly and can no doubt see that you are a good father.
So, how you feeling now then?? You must be quite pleased...
Ali x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Rob, I think you have to sit down aqnd have a real honest talk with yourself! A few weeks ago , when you were feeling down, you said, "I don't want to paint my house, I don't want to sell me house and I don't want to get a divorce" It seems now that you feel your W may be softening you are taking on a role of power again, saying things like, she can't just come back and have all forgiven. When she stated that you never said you loved her, well. if you do, why don't you just say it! With all due respect for DB method sometimes honesty is the best. Several months ago when my husband was living outside the home and we were having a very acrimonious email discussion, I got a call from a close friend. Told her what was happening and she said stop now! email him this if it is the truth " I love you and am willing to do whatever it takes for us to be together, are you?' I worried he would think I was insane because we were in the middle of a huge argument, but I did it anyway. he didn't answer but he came home. Sure it would have been better if we worked at things first but that wasn't going to happen, it was just going to escalate. Things are not yet settled but there is improvement.
Rob, Anyway, I just think you have to really decide what you want to happen, your own version of it, and start acting on it. A wonderful quote comes to mind which might be helpful to both you and W in the future. "I am sorry if I hurt you, and if you hurt me, I forgive you" What else can either of you really say?
Hello again. Thank you for chiming in. Kalni, it does seem like a positive, doesn't it? I will be guarded about things, but it is definitely a turn I didn't see coming until after the D was final.
Ali, I haven't called for a DB appointment yet, but I think I'm going to try and set one up for Wednesday or something as I don't know what to do from here. It seems as if there is a thaw from her and she is thinking about losing her D and sees maybe I'm not such a monster after all. Again, I have to keep my head, but I'm happy w/ the progress here. It is getting interesting and a bit scary, to tell the truth.
bizarre, I took what you said to heart and I did send her a text to answer her question. I thought it through and I don't see it as being weak or vulnerable by telling her I do love her. So, I told her "to answer your question from last night, the answer is yes, I do love you. You still are and always will be my Little Bear. My Boo."
She asked and I answered. It wouldn't be right to be dishonest b/c I do still love her. That doesn't mean I'll be letting her move in tomorrow if she asks, but it means that the door is still open if she is willing to try and meet me 1/2 way.
I may be wrong here and could have screwed up the whole DB thing, but I felt the need to be honest and address her question was the right way to go.
She has said she doesn't trust me, so would I be more trustworthy if I don't answer truthfully? I wasn't sure that was the best route, so bizarre, I agreed and answered her.
