Purple, maybe I shouldn't say anything since I've not been in your shoes, but it seems that those I have been close to that were abused, in some way, were "made" to be just what the abuser wanted them to be. They felt, and thought just like the abuser wanted them to think and feel. When that didn't work, the abuser would reach into their little bag of tricks and make the W feel all sorry for them and even make the W feel like she did something wrong, or make her feel sorry for him.......oh the tricks they play! You even begged yours to come back in the house and you asked for a hug three times! I don't get it.....how they can brainwash a person like that.
The abuser is in control at all times until he is completely healed. You are still dancing to his tune and sometimes you realize it, but a lot of the times, you don't even see it.
Like I said, I guess I shouldhn't say anything b/c I have never been abused and I don't know what it is to be fearful of my own H, or anyone that claims to love me. I do know that I could not ever trust anyone that abused me nor do I think I could ever live with a man nor make love to a man that had used me like that. But, I understand that everyone is not like me and we are all here to learn something from each other, so maybe I will learn from you. However, my sister lived with three abusive H's and I saw what she went through and I'm afraid I did not learn anything except that I would never allow any man to treat me with disrespect nor would I live in fear of him. She became a robot. She got to the place she could not even use her own mind. The fear she lived in was awful. No matter how many times they would promise to change......they didn't, even separation from them did not change them. So, I hope things work out for you, but I personally don't think having dinners and buying birthday presents is going to do it, sweetie. These characters have to be treated with stern gloves and I don't see where he is changing or learning a thing. Do you?
Don't you feel that it is time to make a life for yourself and be free to do what you want to do? Wouldn't it be nice to think what ever you want to without worrying about what "he" would say or do? How long has it been since you have lived in total freedom?
I don't want this to come across as being harsh b/c it breaks my heart (and I'll admit, it makes me angry....but not at you) at the women that live in a prison that their H's have made for them out of abusive behavior.
I hope you will take control of your life soon. You have made good friends here that are trying to help you.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
