I had a work phone call and had to work - hate it when that happens...
To be able to influence her - I need to stay in the loop. If I judge her - she will clam up and run away. It took a lot for her to trust me enough to tell me. She values my opinion and was afraid of my reaction - probably why she told me when I was pretty drunk. Something that happens maybe once a year on my B-day.
She is finally starting to believe that her H's behavior is not a reflection of her own sexuality - but rather a function/reaction to his abuse.
So I am making progress there.
She use to believe he had the option of choosing to respond to her - that he was ignoring her by choice - or b/c he found her unattractive.
She is in a downward spiral right now - since here step mother died a couple of months ago She was drinking and has caught herself. She was taking sleeping pills - dangerous combination - and is off of that. I pick her up to go to yoga with me - and it is helping her at least sleep at night.
Her biological mother and sister were both very physically abusive when she was growing - so there are other reasons why she may be pre-disposed to not have the greatest self esteem.
I learned the hard way with The X. I cannot rescue people from themselves. He suffered from depression. I can give them my hand and leave it there till they are ready to take it. The rest is out of my control.
Truth is I can tell M GF where I think she is suppose to go based on social norms, etc. But really it is a fact pattern that makes it very hard to absolutely quantify right and wrong.
I know M GF really loves her H and her affair is a reaction to her own hurt b/c she thinks he doesn't love her and that he doesn't find her attractive.
There was a poster in this forum several years ago that had a similar fact pattern and filed for D. All that poster wanted was validation of her attractiveness and sexuality from her H and she finally gave up. Was it better for the children? I honestly don't know. This man was a step father and the only father these kids had known. And by her own admission he was a really good father. There was so much anger and hurt - and of course a D introduces so much more gunk - kids having to tip toe around parents. I am not a C - I have no idea if it was the right thing. The older I get- the harder it is for me to see cases where it is completely right or completely wrong. Usually it is a combination of both.
