Hi Hoping and DNO, thanks for the imput. I'm still having a hard time of it right now. My emotions are on a full blown rollercoaster ride at the moment. The tears have just about stopped, but the sadness won't seem to go away. I'm struggling with this.

I got an email from H on Fri (the 4th), said he'd call over the weekend. Still haven't heard from him. I did call him this morning just to let him know that S6 now has the chicken pox. Still no word. What hurts the most about the short email? He didn't even wish me a happy birthday How can the WAS just completely ignore stuff like that? It's just downright rude!

I'm just really glad I have a C appt tomorrow. I definitely need it. I have gone back to seeing her once a week. I had started going every other week, but since all this started last weekend, I've changed it again.

I did have a nice birthday though. I did 2 new things I've never done before and had a blast. I rode on a jet ski and I went tubing! My best friend and her family have a trailer on a lake not far from their house and a lot of their family was out there enjoying the day. And just about all of them (including the teenagers!) wished me a happy birthday! I really felt included, for the first time in a long time. And my kids also had a lot of fun, swimming, riding in the boat, s9 went tubing, too. And S6 got a jet ski ride. All in all a good day. I was able to shake the sadness a little which felt good.

Now all I want to do is talk to my H, see what he has to say now, and get on with it. Not really sure what he's going to say. Maybe let's get a D? Really don't know.

Hoping, I tried to explain to my H in my letter that my kids and H come first and I don't care what my other family members have to say. Not sure if he'll believe me or even listen. Not sure if he can get past what he's done himself. I am trying to respect his time away. Maybe I have not done a good enough job. I have gone back to reading some of the books I've collected over the last months about detaching, letting him go, etc. So much easier said than done.

Thanks DNO for your support, I don't feel that I've done a very good job. I feel on the verge of panic most of the time and can't seem to shake it again. It's like going through the very beginning all over again. Very painful. Except now it's with the knowledge that there is someone else involved. That hurts.

Maybe he'll just not say anything, as always. I'm not sure I can bring up the topic of OR without breaking down or saying something I might regret. I just want to see what he has to say.

Anyway, we'll see how the rest of today goes. Doctoring S6 too, with his chicken pox. He's been pretty good so far, even though the bumps keep coming!

Prayers and support greatly appreciated.

JL

Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...