Quote: I think one of the things that hurts the worse, is that I was never given a 2nd chance to try to work on our M. From what he writes, he believes this started way before he left, which I do agree, but if you're really unhappy about something, don't you try to talk about it first?
Hi JL. Sorry that you are going through this. I know that it has been very hard on you lately.
I have often thought the same thing that you did. We did deserve a second chance--or at least to know what was wrong. It hurts that after so many years they didn't feel that they could talk to us about what they were feeling. To us it's like they just walked away without trying. To them, I am sure they felt they tried. I sure didn't see it.
It's good that your H is enlightening you with his feelings. At least he is communicating in his own way. I am still in the dark. But I know that this doesn't help you right now--but in time it may give you some insight into why he felt the way he did.
Don't contact him when you are emotional. Read your letters with an open mind and an open heart. Don't get defensive--and hear what he is saying to you.
Understand that he may blame everything on you. That's easier for them. And know that you cannot control him or what he does. Just your reaction to him.
Hearing someone you love say these things to you is very painful, and it will take a long while for you to pull your PMA back up. You know it is up and down. Mine has been very down this week too.
If there's anywhere to turn where the people know EXACTLY what you are feeling...it's HERE.
Your H is in a mode that I've seen personally as well as on the BB over and over again. He's rationalizing his stance, he's shifting blame onto YOU, (a natural if totally UNFAIR practise). You may hear about things that seemed "minor" to you at the time, but are now monumentous to him. Patterns that WERE destructive (we all have to own some of those) will be made to seem as permanent parts of who you ARE. NO, NO, NO!!!
This is perhaps the cruelist time, but also the one with GREAT potential for growth. Right now you can only control how YOU respond to this information.
So read it, go at your own pace. Realize that some of it has the ring of truth...lessons learned or to learn...lot's of it is a re-writing of the past to suit the present .
Take what wisdom there IS there, and let the rest go with the knowledge that MUCH of it is HIS issues.
The ONE thing that I would NOT let go when CJ dropped Bomb #2 and was ready to take off across country to be with OW ( ) was the issue of of NOT having had a real chance to work on our M. NO second chance for me.
I asked CJ (who is a good person) if he could live the rest of his life in peace making this decision? (To leave in this fashion...abandonment basically).
After much soul searching and OW purging, he admitted that it was not. So we agreed to no more than giving US some time. No guarantees. No certainty. Just that last chance. It paid off for us (so far )...I wish the same for you.
DNO, Shiny - I so appreciate your words of support. If I look at the positives in this, its that I've had such support and understanding. It certainly does help.
I'm on only for a minute, I'll post more later. My girlfriend has recruited her Mom to watch our kids, so she can take me to lunch (I've not eaten much since Sat). Then she's going with me to talk to a lawyer. It's only a consult, but I need to know my options and where I stand in all this mess if he does file.
I got the 2nd installment yesterday. Was proud of myself b/c I didn't cry over this one. Another 1 1/2 pages, and alot of saying I don't want you to take this the wrong way, I don't want to hurt you, I'm just writing the thoughts in my head, etc etc.
The one thing that stands out for me is that he says he loves me (first time he's said it since he left) but like a relative. That hurts. He's comfortable with me, he says he thinks he could be friends with me forever, but that the passion, the husband and wife feelings aren't there and haven't been for a long time.
I'll fill in more, but I have a question. He said that he'd call today to see if I understand any of this. Do I talk to him? I don't really want to, not really sure if I can ignore the call if I'm here. What do I do?
I also thought about writing a letter back to him asking some questions about some things he said that are really unclear to me. Maybe it'll be easier to communicate by e-mail for a while?
What do you all think? Please help, this is way too hard!!
JL
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
Just wanted you to know I am thinking about you..have not read all your posts, but can see you are hurting right now..take care of yourself and your son...your h is confused and it seems to him the only way to solve it is d..but give him space and time...patience...patience...a word that has become a daily routine for me.I will include you in my prayers.
Thanks Hoping for responding. I am getting myself in a little better place today. Stomach still in knots, hoping that goes away soon.
Yesterday, my H did call. But I was out when he did. He left a message about wanting to talk about his 2 e-mails. He said he'd be out for awhile for a meeting then would be back and we could talk. I called while he was gone and told him I was not comfortable talking to him at the moment that I was sending him an email to respond to the ones he sent.
I sat here and validated his points, and actually did agree with most of them. What I still can't understand is the things he talks about to me do not seem so incredibly serious that he has to leave and not even try to work them out.
I didn't rehash the past. He said he couldn't rewrite history, I responded that I never asked him to, I didn't want to go back to the past, but that I had hoped he'd be here to help write a future. I used "I" statements throughout the letter, and didn't name call, or bash or blame (I don't think).
I told him that once he got my email and thought about it, to let me know, then maybe we could talk. Not really sure if I'll hear from him today or not. Still not sure if I'm ready, or if I'm just postponing the inevitable. He still hasn't really said what he does want.
Shiny, I have a question for you (or anybody else who's faced this problem) Did your H ever have a huge fear of facing your family or friends, the people closest to you? Was he ever afraid that he would never be accepted by them again, and think that it would be a wedge between you? That is one of the issues my H has described. I am close to my family, but do not afford them the control to tell me what I need to do with my life. I validated his feelings that it would really hard at family gatherings, but also told him they do not live in our shoes, and that my own family and marriage will always be above and beyond them. Is he just using it as an excuse?
Anyway, after almost 2 pages, I'm not sure it will do anything. No expectations (at least I'm trying to believe that). But I feel its the beginning of the end. Trying not to panic, but scared to death.
Another thing he talked about was not feeling passion for me. I said I was sorry he felt that way. I also agreed that its an important part in a marriage. But I did say that I say it as a result of our drifting apart, not a reason. I also said that as long as he's interested in developing passion for someone else that the passion he's looking for towards me will not come. And if he's not willing to give up that interest, it was a moot point and nothing else to say about it.
I have tried really hard to be kind, to the point and respond to his points. Another one is our communication. Agreed on his points that it has been getting better over the last while, but it's safe and superficial(his words). But I asked if he felt that when communication breaks down, is it not possible to revive it?
I guess I just asked questions for him to think about. Probably won't get answers for them, or if I do I still won't understand.
I also added (and I know this may be bad DBing, but don't think its ever occured to him) I wonder if your prepared to someday have someone else to help raise S6? That some day I will move on and possibly remarry? Maybe a bad thing to say, but I want him to truly think about the future. I know he's not really doing that, and may not for a long while.
Anyway, that's about the jist of what I wrote. Maybe that was the last nail. Not really sure. He just still seems so messed up. I just want my family intact again. With a better marriage, better communication, and more passion then he's ever dreamed of!
The ball is in his court now, its up to him how this proceeds. I have finally spoken to a lawyer (a couple actually) and do feel a bit better about where I stand finacially. But I am certain I do not want to file first. I don't want this and am not going to make it that easy on him. I won't fight him, but not making it easy. If that's where this goes. He still has not said anything about divorce, one way or the other. Its like he can't even say the word.
Any comments, suggestions, or whacks upside the head are welcome.
JL
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
No whacks upside the head from me JL. Sounds like you are doing much better. It also sounds like you put alot of thought into the letter that you wrote to him, applying DB where necessary. I hope that it gives him lots to think about before he makes any bad decisions.
I also think that it's good for you not to talk with him until you feel that you are ready emotionally. I think that you are doing great.
When you finally do talk to him remember--no begging or pleading--no blaming--and don't tell him how he feels. Validate and use I statements. Try to keep your emotions in check (very difficult thing to do).
And whatever you do, don't start attacking the OW. He will defend her to the death right now. Totally sucks but it's probably true. In fact, do your best not to focus on her.
Have a great 4th. I'm off in a couple of hours to the fireworks.
HI, JL..hope your day is better..if I could just jump in on a few things you mentiones..your h and your family..my distant(cousins) family whom we see maybe once a year..saw my h with the ff...called my sister..started assuming things..one of htier nieces work for the apartment complex h rented from..opened her mouth about that...our kids did not even know that he ws moving at the time..so needless to say my h is not too happy with my family nor am I ..support him 100% on this sep..he asked for the space and I respect that..if your family is not going to support whatever the outcome, I would hope that your h would be the priority.
My h also has no passion right now for me..no hugs, touches nothing..he totaly cut it all off over a year ago when things were very tense here...he is not involved with anyone..just has lost all interest..or maybe just with me. I am hoping that if we start to work on us, that that too will come back.
Hi Hoping and DNO, thanks for the imput. I'm still having a hard time of it right now. My emotions are on a full blown rollercoaster ride at the moment. The tears have just about stopped, but the sadness won't seem to go away. I'm struggling with this.
I got an email from H on Fri (the 4th), said he'd call over the weekend. Still haven't heard from him. I did call him this morning just to let him know that S6 now has the chicken pox. Still no word. What hurts the most about the short email? He didn't even wish me a happy birthday How can the WAS just completely ignore stuff like that? It's just downright rude!
I'm just really glad I have a C appt tomorrow. I definitely need it. I have gone back to seeing her once a week. I had started going every other week, but since all this started last weekend, I've changed it again.
I did have a nice birthday though. I did 2 new things I've never done before and had a blast. I rode on a jet ski and I went tubing! My best friend and her family have a trailer on a lake not far from their house and a lot of their family was out there enjoying the day. And just about all of them (including the teenagers!) wished me a happy birthday! I really felt included, for the first time in a long time. And my kids also had a lot of fun, swimming, riding in the boat, s9 went tubing, too. And S6 got a jet ski ride. All in all a good day. I was able to shake the sadness a little which felt good.
Now all I want to do is talk to my H, see what he has to say now, and get on with it. Not really sure what he's going to say. Maybe let's get a D? Really don't know.
Hoping, I tried to explain to my H in my letter that my kids and H come first and I don't care what my other family members have to say. Not sure if he'll believe me or even listen. Not sure if he can get past what he's done himself. I am trying to respect his time away. Maybe I have not done a good enough job. I have gone back to reading some of the books I've collected over the last months about detaching, letting him go, etc. So much easier said than done.
Thanks DNO for your support, I don't feel that I've done a very good job. I feel on the verge of panic most of the time and can't seem to shake it again. It's like going through the very beginning all over again. Very painful. Except now it's with the knowledge that there is someone else involved. That hurts.
Maybe he'll just not say anything, as always. I'm not sure I can bring up the topic of OR without breaking down or saying something I might regret. I just want to see what he has to say.
Anyway, we'll see how the rest of today goes. Doctoring S6 too, with his chicken pox. He's been pretty good so far, even though the bumps keep coming!
Prayers and support greatly appreciated.
JL
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
Hi JL, glad that you found me over on hopefulness--or hopelessness--however you see it. Can't bring my self to go to surviving yet--the D is still in the works. And most of those over on separated are still trying to save the marriages. I have basically come the the realization that my H is gone for good. He's moved on to someone else and forgotten everything that we ever had together.
So here I am, just trying to keep my head above water. It's hard swimming in emotional muck.
Sorry about your son and his chicken pox. Been there and it is no fun. Aveeno baths are great.
It sounds like you had a good weekend despite your H. Good. I hope that you had a wonderful birthday. Know that people out here are thinking about and praying for you.
JK..hope your birthday was good..I know what you mean about your h not saying Happy birthday..the past 2 yeards I have not gotten a birthday or anniv card..I continue to give them to him, but not the mushy husband ones..it hurts..but I can't change what he's feeling. I think if your h wants to talk..then go for it..I wish mine would..I don't know what he's feeling now 8 mos. after leaving..he seems happier, we bothe are..he talks to me, we go out..do family things, BUT does he want to try and work on m??? I just wait..and hope and pray that he will..I think I am blocking that he may very well tell me that he is content where he is, but I want more..I don't want to live like this the rest of my life..I need a husband, friend, lover and if he is so sure that he can't go back to that, well then I will have to face that when it comes.
You seem to be strong..keep telling yourself that you will make it..give your h the space.
.
)...I wish the same for you.
My best friend and her family have a trailer on a lake not far from their house and a lot of their family was out there enjoying the day. And just about all of them (including the teenagers!) wished me a happy birthday! I really felt included, for the first time in a long time. And my kids also had a lot of fun, swimming, riding in the boat, s9 went tubing, too. And S6 got a jet ski ride. All in all a good day. I was able to shake the sadness a little which felt good.