Thanks Haphazard, Sadeyez & Hoping for checking in on me. I'm at a really bad place at the moment. I received an e-mail today from my H trying to finally explain his emotions, why he's doing this, etc. It was 1 1/2 pages long. I'm supposed to get installment 2 tomorrow that is to have his explanations about us in it.

I've been crying on and off since about 6pm and my eyes feel like their covered in sand paper. Without reading it again (which I can't do right now) the basic feeling is that its over. Didn't come right out and say it, but had that tone. Didn't want to get back together just for the kids he said (I never asked him for that, want him to come home for me), thinks that the hurdles of him getting back in the good graces of my family is too much, that they will never feel what they felt for him before all this started. That it would make all the holidays uncomfortable.

He said he loves S6 with all his heart, said if someone told him he'd feel this way awhile back he wouldn't have believed them. Says when he thinks about S saying "I love you Daddy" or "I miss you Daddy" it makes him cry. But wants S to know that he has a mommy and daddy that love him and will protect him and that he will always be around for him, that he's not going away. (What about the promise he made to me about protecting me? )

I am supposed to get the 2nd e-mail tomorrow that explains his feeling about us. Really don't want to get it. Am scared to death to have to face what it says. My life is crashing down around me and there is nothing I can do about it and that sucks!

On a positive note, I won first place in my class race on Sat and he has my beach towel (that's my trophy, they do all kinds of things for trophies) that says 1st in Class. I guess being PO'd when driving a race car for me is a good thing!

Now I'm at a complete loss as to what to do next. I have no intention of contacting him. Didn't even have the desire when I got the e-mail. Guess I was too devestated to bother. Was actually looking up lawyers to call, guess I'll actually have to call them tomorrow to find out where I stand.

I am pretty sure I will not file D. If he wants this so bad, he's going to have to do the work. I've done enough for him already. But I'll see what the lawyers have to say. I'll be calling several to see if I can find one I feel comfortable with.

I think one of the things that hurts the worse, is that I was never given a 2nd chance to try to work on our M. From what he writes, he believes this started way before he left, which I do agree, but if you're really unhappy about something, don't you try to talk about it first?

I know I'm trying to analyze what he might be thinking, which is dangerous, I just can't help it. Nothing he's said so far has convinced me that this seperation was needed.

I am still lying low, and still licking the wounds. Now it just feels as though he's poured salt in them. Feeling a bit calmer tonight, my girlfriend came over and stayed until about 10:30 just so that I wasn't alone, and to help me. She even fed S6 dinner. She's been such a rock for me through all of this, don't know what I'd do without her here. Or without all of you helping me and supporting me and commiserating with me. It all helps.

I just want this pain in my chest to go away.

Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...