Where is the real me? What do I want?

[Bridgestone]

Mediation went okay. Draining. I had to take a break while we were talking about property settlement. He is not trying to screw me over, in fact he suggested an arrangement that was a little bit better for me than him. He does care....just has a DAM way of showing it.

don't they all?

Maybe it's me that doesn't love him enough.

You love him as you love him, he needs to decide if that is enough.

I need to concentrate on me instead of obsessing with what he says and does when we disagree. Disagreeing with him just doesn't work for me. I don't know how to do it.

me either
Lodo asked me the other day how do I deal with other forceful people in my life like H. when I disagree with them. I still am thinking about that one. How about you?

I can't detach. I'm still enmeshed. i want him to address the issues that have happened and show me he understands the effect his actions and words have had. I don't want romance at this point, I want empathy.

And then what? If he could give you that.. then what? Does that let you detach? Are you assuming him understand the effects of his actions & words will keep him from doing it again? What reality is he operating in? Are you hoping that by him seeing your reality, he'll stay there?

I know I thought this for a long time and still do when I get stressed interacting with him, when I guess that is when it really counts, huh? I keep needing to remember he is a different reality than me.

I want to love my husband, but I don't feel (emotionally) safe with him.

Have you ever felt emotionally safe with anyone?

Is it something I have fashioned myself? I think it is...I made the monster. I'm not making sense. I'm tired.

Sometimes when I'm tired is when I listen most closely as that is when I'm less likely to filter what I think I should say. But it's alos when I'm hardest on myself!

however, "they" would like us to believe that statement. Maybe explore it further with your counselor?

Are you journaling? I find I keep those thoughts around longer if I have written them down.

((hugs))