Pieces surfacing, where's the puzzle picture?

[JustLearning]

Hi Shiny, thanks for posting. It's been one helluva day today, and not much good I'm afraid.

I discovered today (at the racetrack no less) that my H has been lying by omission about his contact with OW. We use his Palm Pilot as a lap timer for the race car and I accidently hit the email button (which was right next to the lap timer button) and found emails from her to H about taking a vacation together Nothing seems to be set but she's checking into flights, etc from what she wrote.

I lost all conscious thinking. I didn't rant, but I did bring up the fact that I realize he's been lying to me all along. My DBing went right out the window unfortunately

He has even denied the vacation thing, I didn't say how I knew this, not really sure if he figured it out (he never accused me of snooping). All this happened before either of us even got on the racetrack! It went downhill from there. I couldn't stop asking questions, of course he just clammed up. Finally I just stayed away as much as possible until I could leave. Called a girlfriend to get the tears out (which I didn't do in front of him until later). As I went to leave I told him I wouldn't be back tomorrow (I don't race on Sun). No reaction, wasn't expecting one. He said we would need to talk, I just laughed b/c he's said it so many times before then never says anything. I said Yeah, whatever. Got to my car, turned it back into the track, hunted him down, and told him I wanted to talk now, on my timeline not his for once. Didn't want to talk, I said too bad, I do, and I have a few things to say. (By the way, this is a 180 for me, forcing a conversation)

So many things I said, and beginning to believe that I've made it worse, that this is the end. The complete end. He said that the feelings just aren't there, he believes love is either there or not. I told him that was a crock, its an excuse for not wanting to try. And that he certainly isn't going to have any feelings for me when he's entertaining OW. I told him that I hoped that what he was doing was worth the price of his family. Oh man, so many things came spilling out. He was close to tears a couple of times.

I also said that I did love him with all my heart, and that as stupid as I might be for putting up with everything that I would still be willing to work things out, but the chick would have to go, that no, it wouldn't be easy, but worth the effort. I told him he no longer has control over me and that even though he thinks that his charms, cute smile and big ego attitude that the woman will always come back, he better learn that someday the woman may tell him to take a flying leap. It might be me. I will not be around waiting for a whole lot longer.

I must not have completely dealt with the OW thing when it first came to light, believing him when he said just friends. Now the knife has truly been stabbed into my heart, completely shattering it into a million pieces.

Now, here I sit, in an empty house (kids away this weekend b/c of race) tears won't seem to stop coming and I'm not sure whats in store next.

He will be by the house tomorrow to drop off racecar, I am planning on not being here. I want to see him (how stupid is that ) but I know that I won't be able to keep my mouth shut. Not yet anyway.

Do I just go dark for now? Talk only as necessary about kids and thats it?

And the whole thing has made me for the first time want to stop wearing my wedding ring. It all of a sudden seems such a farce to have it on. Don't know if I'm strong enough right now to do even that.

Please help, really struggling here, don't know what to do now, I feel as though I've completely ruined any chances I might have had. Just when I thought it was safe to come to piecing, not really sure where I belong.

P.S. One good thing did come out of this day - my lap times improved by 2 seconds, consistently!! Now I'm only 2 seconds behind H's lap times and he's been racing for years! Boy that felt good!!!!!

[hoping]

JL..sorry your day was wrecked..but maybe those things needed to be said..I think I would lay low for awhile..no more r talks..it needs to sink in with him.I know how hard it is to keep quiet, but you can do it. Take care of you for awhile.

Sue

[DownNotOut]

((((JL)))), Sorry that you are going through this right now. I remember quite some time back you mentioning another woman. And no, I don't think that you dealt with it then either because you wanted to believe him. Your gut instinct was telling you otherwise.

Don't push any more R talks, especially about her. It will just push him futher away. Take care of you right now. You have been here long enough to know that you cannot control him--you cannot force him to stop seeing her, and you cannot force him to come home. He has to make these decisions on his own.

Maybe it is a good idea that you not be at the house when he drops off the race car. Especially if you know there is a very good chance that you will attack. (verbally I mean--although a physical attack would be very gratifying at times )

You need time to get beyond this initial hurt and anger so that you can deal with him calmly and not emotionally.

I understand about the ring also. I took mine off shortly after H left. I couldn't bare to look at it. How could I where something that meant absolutely no commitment from him. I did move my anniversary band to that finger tho', after all, I was still married.

But the day that I filed I removed it for good. I figure, even if he does come back into my life, and that is highly unlikely now--that marriage is over. After almost three weeks, you can still see where the band was. I feel like I've been branded.

Removing the ring is up to you. But I will say that the first time I removed mine, I wonder if it sent a single to my H that I had already quit our marriage. I'm not sure. But that same month he began seeing his skank. Of course, I know that he was already in contact with her over the internet and phone, but she came running down here from hundreds of miles away that month and never went back. Black toothed bit#$!! (Sorry, just venting. See, after 10 months of him living openly with her, the hurt and anger are still here for me. Will be for a long time.)

I don't think that you have ruined your chanced JL, but you don't want to continue what you are doing right now. You will drive him away. Time to regroup--draw back and lick your wounds. He knows he's an ass--he doesn't need you to remind him. Feels good to vent once in awhile on them tho' doesn't it.

This last time that I finally told my H how everything that he had done had made me feel and what I thought about it--I felt wonderful when it was over. Very calm and cleansed. But I am realizing that my marriage is over and I did everything that I could to save it. He just doesn't want to be here anymore. So I'm cutting him loose to have his life with his little skank. Hope that they are absolutely miserable together and one day he regrets giving up his wife and everything he had.

You will know when you are totally fed up. I don't hear that in you yet. Right now, you are just very hurt and angry.

You will probably have to sit back and let this thing with this OW play out. You have to decide if you are willing to do that. I guess I watched my H play long enough. He wants her, he can have her.

Perhaps you moved to piecing too soon. I think that you should be here when you both are ready to piece. This is a very slow process JL. You have to decide how long you are willing to wait.

Now, do you want to fight for your marriage, or are you done?

DNO

[JustLearning]

Thank you so much Sue and DNO for replying. I am at such a low point right now, I hope you realize how much it helps me to have your support.

I did stay away today when H brought the racecar back. I was up at my Mom's for the whole day, got back when I knew for sure he'd be gone. Just don't trust myself right now if I were to see him.

I had no idea what I would find when I got home. Wasn't sure if he'd have packed all his clothes, taken anything, written a note. What he did leave was an 8x10 picture of me in the racecar on the racetrack. He had to spend $20 for it from the photographer that's out there every race taking pictures of the cars. And a quick note saying "It's you from co-driver race! H". Is this his way of trying to lessen the guilt? Don't get me wrong I'm excited that I now have my very own racing picture, but why did he do this? He even completely emptied the cooler, but the drinks and stuff back in the fridge. He's always just left it for me to do in the past. And nothing is missing.

Have been struggling with the physical pain of having a broken heart today. It's been incredibly hard. I know I am just now dealing with the full pain of betrayal, something I didn't do when I first found out about his "friend". Just wanted to believe him so badly. Now the trust is completely gone.

DNO, thanks for your insight about the rings. Today I couldn't bear to put them on, so I didn't. The word "farce" comes to mind right now about me wearing them. They have no meaning anymore. I used them as a shield, my hope that things will improve. Who knows what I'll do tomorrow. As Scarlett says "Tomorrow's another day".

I am coming to the decision as I do calm a bit, that I will not file for a D. I will not do his dirty work for him. If it becomes necessary to file for LS to protect myself and my son financially then I will. But this is not my choice. Of course, I'm not saying I'll never file, but as of right now, I refuse. Does that make any sense?

So, I am retreating for now, licking my wounds (and they are very deep ), and determined to not to have any contact with him for awhile. My Mom suggested taking a week and visiting a friend in Nebraska who's H just died several weeks ago, that she'd love to have company and would love to see the boys. I'm not sure. It sounds like a good idea, but not sure if I'm ready to do that yet. Might be good for me to get away for awhile, but my head is not thinking real well right now, so no sudden decisions for me.

My girlfriend told me tonight after I told her what I found here at the house, was that she's not surprised that he took nothing. He'll keep it the way it is for as long as he can. Having the best of both worlds. Does anyone have any opinions on that?

Here's to hoping I have a better day tomorrow. Thank God my C appt is tomorrow afternoon.

Trying to regroup,

JL

[shinybear]

JL,

Girl I have been there...it sooo hurts! Had he promised they were "over" prior to this? Or was it just now you confirmed the "more than friends" idea?

OUCH!

Yeah, take some time for you. Relax. Something tells me he wants to tell you his side of this story. When he does (and you do want to hear it, don't you?)...try to get it in person. If it's something like what happened with CJ and his OW toward the end...it was something he wanted out of but she was holding some threats over his head. You can read a story like that but the best way to trust it's veracity is to watch the person tell it.

CJ was remorseful, he looked me right in the eye and said he knew he'd blown it with me forever. He was crying. (Not typically a cryer). He told me what had happened over the past 3 months and I had a choice...believe him, or not. I just believed him, it seemed right in a way his other "little and not so little LIES" had not.

What is my point here....when you are strong enough, centered enought, vented here enough ...why not try to give him an actual chance to explain? Would that be a 180? I know it was for me in my circumstances!

Shiny

[JustLearning]

Thanks Shiny for posting, I love your insight and your great sense of humor!

My H is the master of vague statements. The last we talked about his "friend" he hadn't spoken to her in "awhile". When I tried to pin down how long that was he said about a week, in a defensive tone. I have always talked to him about this "friend" very calmly. Have never called her names, but have made snide comments and assumptions about the relationship. He says there friends, this weekend confirmed to me it is more. Why would she be looking into vacations if he's not shown interest in her? This confirmation is what has made me truly deal with the enormity of his betrayal.

The other portion of this whole thing is that what he's doing now with the OW is how he and I started. We were OP's with each other when we got together, we were both married to other people and both divorced to get married. I thought we would be different. He is showing a definite pattern, which I have pointed out to him. Now I guess it's up to him what he does with it.

I would love to hear the whole story, if it meant he was remorseful and wanted to end it and try to get us back together. Not sure if that's going to happen. I did tell him that if he doesn't know how he feels for me, then being with OW isn't certainly going to help that out. He actually agreed. But that's about all he does, is agree with the things I say but does nothing about them.

I do believe that it will take me awhile to get centered again. I am planning on avoiding all contact with him for awhile, which I'm guessing won't be hard because he'll be avoiding me just as much. Maybe once I've calmed enough and get myself detached from this a bit more I might be able to talk to him again.

This love stuff really sucks sometimes, doesn't it? But venting on here has definitely helped. I'll be here often I'm sure over the next few weeks venting and trying to find all the million pieces that go to my heart puzzle that just got dumped on the floor!

[haphazard]

Hi JL,
Yuk, you are in a really bad place at the moment. I know I have been there (twice!). You are right to lie low for a while and work on you.

I think your H's little gifts are a positive sign. He knows he's done wrong- you've told him in no uncertain terms. And he knows it for himself anyway.

When H moved out and was having PA it took me awhile to get centred again and start doing things for me, but the real difference happened when I started to acknowledge my part in it. Once I woke up to what I had done (and that was very painful), things started to come together. Get all your anger towards him out of your system by any means you can - punching things is good - LOL.

You mention best of both world's - my first post was called Having his Cake and Eating it Too (on newcomers) because I felt exactly the same way. This DBing is HARD. Here's a hug
((((JL)))). Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, and keep going along that rocky road.

Take care

Fran

[sadeyez]

JL,
Well, I finally made it over here as promised!

I hope you're feeling a bit better today. And oh how well I know what you're going through. Been there, done that, and I know my rollercoaster ride is far from over. Although I feel calm right now, and I'm not depressed. I'm feeling too detached right now. And that's good.

I never thought I'd reach this total detachment. But after my H called the cops on me, that was the end result. I was livid for most of that day and crying, b/c I couldn't believe he'd done that, esp. in front of that slut. Showed me just how much he cares about me. And just a few hours earlier he'd told me he'd always be there for me.

Lies, lies, lies...the lies roll off their tongues so smoothly, don't they? You have to detach, detach, detach. It's easier said than done. I found it was a process. When I finally realized I was detaching, it was such a great feeling. And now this total detached feeling I've had since Friday is the best thing that's happened to me in a year and a half since this mess started.

I guess the best thing you can do is just leave him alone. Let him hang out to dry, twisting in the wind. If you don't, he might stay in the tunnel longer. I'm trying sooooooo hard to learn to be patient. That's what everyone says we have to do. And it has never been one of my virtues. But I'm trying.

I wish you luck and I'll swing back by to see how you're doing, ok? And thanks for stopping by my thread.

Take care...

Sadeyez

[hoping]

JL..how are things tonight! You are sure going through some rough emotions. As for the rings..my h took his off a few months after he moved out..it crushed me..I just had to ask if it meant that the m was over..he said no. I can't bring myself to take mine off..I am still m..for better or for worse..so until or if our m comes to an end, I will continue to wear them.When I sit and look at them memories of the reason I wear them come back and I have faith and hope that they will one day again be the symbol of our love and commitment. It is everyones personal choise if they wear them.

I still think not contact with your h..you both need space to sort and think..take the time for you..I know that sounds easy and when you are hurting it's the last thing you want..but it works..find one small thing that makes you smile, laugh, each day..do something special that makes you feel good. Know that you will survive with or without him .

Sue

[JustLearning]

Thanks Haphazard, Sadeyez & Hoping for checking in on me. I'm at a really bad place at the moment. I received an e-mail today from my H trying to finally explain his emotions, why he's doing this, etc. It was 1 1/2 pages long. I'm supposed to get installment 2 tomorrow that is to have his explanations about us in it.

I've been crying on and off since about 6pm and my eyes feel like their covered in sand paper. Without reading it again (which I can't do right now) the basic feeling is that its over. Didn't come right out and say it, but had that tone. Didn't want to get back together just for the kids he said (I never asked him for that, want him to come home for me), thinks that the hurdles of him getting back in the good graces of my family is too much, that they will never feel what they felt for him before all this started. That it would make all the holidays uncomfortable.

He said he loves S6 with all his heart, said if someone told him he'd feel this way awhile back he wouldn't have believed them. Says when he thinks about S saying "I love you Daddy" or "I miss you Daddy" it makes him cry. But wants S to know that he has a mommy and daddy that love him and will protect him and that he will always be around for him, that he's not going away. (What about the promise he made to me about protecting me? )

I am supposed to get the 2nd e-mail tomorrow that explains his feeling about us. Really don't want to get it. Am scared to death to have to face what it says. My life is crashing down around me and there is nothing I can do about it and that sucks!

On a positive note, I won first place in my class race on Sat and he has my beach towel (that's my trophy, they do all kinds of things for trophies) that says 1st in Class. I guess being PO'd when driving a race car for me is a good thing!

Now I'm at a complete loss as to what to do next. I have no intention of contacting him. Didn't even have the desire when I got the e-mail. Guess I was too devestated to bother. Was actually looking up lawyers to call, guess I'll actually have to call them tomorrow to find out where I stand.

I am pretty sure I will not file D. If he wants this so bad, he's going to have to do the work. I've done enough for him already. But I'll see what the lawyers have to say. I'll be calling several to see if I can find one I feel comfortable with.

I think one of the things that hurts the worse, is that I was never given a 2nd chance to try to work on our M. From what he writes, he believes this started way before he left, which I do agree, but if you're really unhappy about something, don't you try to talk about it first?

I know I'm trying to analyze what he might be thinking, which is dangerous, I just can't help it. Nothing he's said so far has convinced me that this seperation was needed.

I am still lying low, and still licking the wounds. Now it just feels as though he's poured salt in them. Feeling a bit calmer tonight, my girlfriend came over and stayed until about 10:30 just so that I wasn't alone, and to help me. She even fed S6 dinner. She's been such a rock for me through all of this, don't know what I'd do without her here. Or without all of you helping me and supporting me and commiserating with me. It all helps.

I just want this pain in my chest to go away.