Mulesqb - Can the sun shine on a donkey's a$$?

[mulesqb]

Hey guys - thanks for all the posts right before the 4th. I actually left work early on the 3rd and didn't go on the computer the entire weekend.

I think I mentioned that I was reading a book I downloaded online entitled - Survive Your Wife's Midlife Crisis. It talks about a lot of the same things that you guys mention - particularly that she can't be fixed, so don't even try and things of that nature. But one thing it mentions is that now that you understand that it is all about her, try and be more understanding of her and start to agree with her on things (even if you really don't). It will put her guard down a little bit and get her to trust you more. It says if you are capable of doing that, then eventually you can get on the same page and start enjoying each other's uniqueness. I thought about that a lot last week and got back to doing it.

It definitely seemed to help. She is confiding in me a lot more and wants me to do things with her. But I still do set boundaries. On Friday we went to the block party up the street from our house. I took the boys over early and hung out with them as there were rides and games and food for them. She came over about an hour later with the neighbors. I sat with them for a little while then decided I was bored and told her I was going home to catch a nap. It turns out she thought I ate too much and was using that as an excuse. When she got home (about an hour later) I was laying on a chair on the back deck listening to my ipod and catching a nap. She complained that the boys were very difficult and then pulled a chair next to mine to hang out. I told her that i was taking a nap. She said ok. Later she came back and asked if I wanted to take a swim in the pool with her, so i did. Things went pretty well and we spent some time with the boys on the deck as well. Later that night we were watching fireworks and I was sitting on a rocking chair on our front porch. She was talking to me but instead brought another chair over instead of sitting on the rocking chair with me like we have done every year we have lived in the house. We went back to the party at one point and the neighbors were there. Again I got bored and said I was leaving. This time she asked me to wait and came with me. All in all not too bad a day. She seemed to care whether I was coming or going.

On Saturday we had some games to take the boys to. She didn't get involved at all.I took both boys to both of their games - one was in the morning (I'm the coach) and one was a night game. In between games we had a couple of hours to fill and I told her I wanted to go to the mall to get something. She asked if she could come with me. I said ok. We had a very nice lunch together there in the food court and talked for a long time - not R talk - just about things. She did say to me that she was enjoying attention that she was getting from men lately. She said that her family made her feel like she wasn't pretty growing up and for some reason when she gets attention now from other men she likes it. I asked her if she felt that I never gave her that type of attention (I told her I loved her and she looked great every day of our M without failure). She said no - that I was great about that but I had to say that stuff because I was her H. I told her that if I didn't think it, I wouldn't say it and then dropped the conversation.

The neighbor's W birthday was this weekend so my W gave her a bunch of gifts (I wish she treated me that well). Again yesterday, we had two games. She didn't come to my S10's game and just dropped my S14 at his game because I couldn't be in two places at once. When I was done I went and caught the last inning of his game.

On Saturday there was a big talk with the boys. One of them complained to her that she doesn't do anything with them and she got very upset. We had a family meeting and she started lacing into them about her R with the neighbors. She actually said to them that she is going through something and she needs to have friends and not answer to people about what she does. She told the boys right to their faces that they are causing a lot of her problems right now with their bad behavior. I stopped the meeting right there and asked the boys to go to their room for a minute. When they left i told he that I don't ever want to hear her do that again to them. I said that was a terrible thing to say to the children. I said from now on - we tell them that it's between you and me and that she has issues with me. She then yelled - "it's not you, it's them. Your the only one who seems to understand what I am going through right now - if they can't stop I am willing to give up my marriage and my family." I was taken back and there was no way the kids didn't hear it. We talked fro a little longer and she agreed not to say that to them again. When they came back in we finished the talk and they agreed to try and stop giving her a hard time, but they would speak up when they were not happy with something.

Last night we went to dinner with the neighbors. There was a lot of talk about Lake George. My W thinks we are going to have a great time. I know you guys don't agree with me going, but I'm going to do it. It's just 3 nights and I will have a lot of alone time with her. I made a decision to let my hair down with her and she seems to like it a lot. We have been laughing with each other again. I am concentrating that she is going through something that I can't control and will just be there to validate when she wants me there. The more accepting of the neighbors I am, the closer she seems to get to me. There has been virtually no flirting with the neighbor lately.

Last night something good happened. The neighbor's W asked my W to go to Point Pleasant with her in two weeks. My W was in the "wild" mode and said that she hadn't talked to me about it yet. I told her - it was fine and she should go if she wants, that there was no issue with me or the kids. She gave a half hearted ok.

Now I know my W. She doesn't like to travel. When she brought up Lake George I told her to go - she said she wouldn't go without me. So I was very interested in the Point Pleasant thing. When we got home she started to make up excuses on why she can't go. She said she felt awkward going alone with her and wasn't into it. I was hoping she would go because in essence it would be separation for the weekend. But deep down i really doubt that she will do it. As of this morning, she was asking me to help her come up with an excuse to not go.

Finally, we had a couple of intimate talks this weekend, so yesterday morning I was feeling in the mood. I thought it was a risk, but it's been 3 months - so I asked. She said that she was sorry - but right now she's not into it. She said she hopes i understand and I said - ok. When she got up - she said to me that she's very sorry that she knows this whole thing must be very hard on me. She apologized and then said thank you for being so good to her throughout. I was happy that she said that because I was a pinch down about being rejected - but I honestly expected to be. She also said that she wants me to gain some weight that she is worried that I lost too much.

Anyway - this is very long to begin with but a lot happened this weekend. I know that I am enabling her by being so accepting - but i feel like a wall is coming down from her. i feel like she is enjoying my company again and we are getting on the same page (I know, her page!). It seemed that the more i fought about the neighbors, the farther she pulled away. Now by joining in to an extent, she seems very happy. The issue right now is the kids. I am still able to do things with them and spend time - but her involvement is practically nothing.

[Phoenixdeux]

Mules,

That was a terrible thing she said about the kids. Speaks volumes about where her head is at.

Rule 1 of db: Do what works. If you've hit upon that, then go with it. Just be sure that at the end of the day the relationship you have with your kids shouldn't suffer as a result.

[SillyOldBear]

Horrible to say that to her children, but you handled it well.

Someday she's going to remember saying that and it will feel like a knife in her guts. I don't envy her.

[mulesqb]

Hey Phoenix - I am still in shock that came out of her mouth. Later in the day she told me she would never leave her kids, ever. But the bottom line is during a 3 day holiday weekend, she said that to them and didn't do one thing with them at all the entire weekend.

The R with the kids means more to me than my R with her right now. But I can see that juggling them is going to be very difficult. I hope she comes out of this soon!!! I think Point Pleasant would help - she would be miserable.

[mulesqb]

SOB - This is going to kill her if she ever wakes up. I actually had to repeat back to her what she said because she didn't realize it.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Horrible to say that to her children, but you handled it well.

Someday she's going to remember saying that and it will feel like a knife in her guts. I don't envy her.

I agree with this. Her "crash" is going to be severe. You need to be prepared for her asking you someday: "Why did you let me DO these things??! Why didn't you do more to try and stop me??!"

In my opinion, you're sacrificing her short-term approval for her long-term emotional health, and your own long-term happiness. Rarely works.

Someone once told my wife and this, about child-rearing, and I think it applies here too: When dealing with her teenaged daughter, this woman would tell her child "I understand you feel this way. However, I'm less concerned with whether or not you agree with me NOW than I am with what the 30-year old woman feels."

Her daughter would say "What? WHAT 30-year old woman??"

And the mother would say "Someday, you will be 30, and perhaps have a child or two of your own. I don't want you coming to me and saying 'Mom, what were you THINKING???'"

Puppy

[mulesqb]

Hey Puppy - This is what I struggle with now. But it seems the closer I get to her - the more that I can say and she'll listen when it comes to the kids. Last night at dinner she said she was tired because she was busy all weekend. I said to her that it must be tiring to remember what times I have to get the kids to their games - that's very hard work - to which my neighbor replied yeah, what could you possibly be complaining about - you didn't go anywhere or do anything.

I am prepared for that question. We have had it out on many occasions throughout this regarding the kids. Everyone that knows her knows she is pretty thick-headed.

Anyway, I would love to have that problem right now. If you ever get a chance to read that book - it says the attitude of the H can make all the difference in the world. If I support her and accept her and what she's going through - then we can begin to connect. Hopefully that would lead to a quicker finish to this.

I am scared about the "crash" - but I guess it's inevitable.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Still seems like appeasement to me, but I wish you well.

[mulesqb]

It is appeasement to a degree. But it's taking me out of the role of the enemy. That's what the book suggests the husband does. I don't know - it feels like it's working better. I just don't think drawing a line in the sand right now is the way to go.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

And what book is this again?