Hi Shiny, thanks for posting. It's been one helluva day today, and not much good I'm afraid.

I discovered today (at the racetrack no less) that my H has been lying by omission about his contact with OW. We use his Palm Pilot as a lap timer for the race car and I accidently hit the email button (which was right next to the lap timer button) and found emails from her to H about taking a vacation together Nothing seems to be set but she's checking into flights, etc from what she wrote.

I lost all conscious thinking. I didn't rant, but I did bring up the fact that I realize he's been lying to me all along. My DBing went right out the window unfortunately

He has even denied the vacation thing, I didn't say how I knew this, not really sure if he figured it out (he never accused me of snooping). All this happened before either of us even got on the racetrack! It went downhill from there. I couldn't stop asking questions, of course he just clammed up. Finally I just stayed away as much as possible until I could leave. Called a girlfriend to get the tears out (which I didn't do in front of him until later). As I went to leave I told him I wouldn't be back tomorrow (I don't race on Sun). No reaction, wasn't expecting one. He said we would need to talk, I just laughed b/c he's said it so many times before then never says anything. I said Yeah, whatever. Got to my car, turned it back into the track, hunted him down, and told him I wanted to talk now, on my timeline not his for once. Didn't want to talk, I said too bad, I do, and I have a few things to say. (By the way, this is a 180 for me, forcing a conversation)

So many things I said, and beginning to believe that I've made it worse, that this is the end. The complete end. He said that the feelings just aren't there, he believes love is either there or not. I told him that was a crock, its an excuse for not wanting to try. And that he certainly isn't going to have any feelings for me when he's entertaining OW. I told him that I hoped that what he was doing was worth the price of his family. Oh man, so many things came spilling out. He was close to tears a couple of times.

I also said that I did love him with all my heart, and that as stupid as I might be for putting up with everything that I would still be willing to work things out, but the chick would have to go, that no, it wouldn't be easy, but worth the effort. I told him he no longer has control over me and that even though he thinks that his charms, cute smile and big ego attitude that the woman will always come back, he better learn that someday the woman may tell him to take a flying leap. It might be me. I will not be around waiting for a whole lot longer.

I must not have completely dealt with the OW thing when it first came to light, believing him when he said just friends. Now the knife has truly been stabbed into my heart, completely shattering it into a million pieces.

Now, here I sit, in an empty house (kids away this weekend b/c of race) tears won't seem to stop coming and I'm not sure whats in store next.

He will be by the house tomorrow to drop off racecar, I am planning on not being here. I want to see him (how stupid is that ) but I know that I won't be able to keep my mouth shut. Not yet anyway.

Do I just go dark for now? Talk only as necessary about kids and thats it?

And the whole thing has made me for the first time want to stop wearing my wedding ring. It all of a sudden seems such a farce to have it on. Don't know if I'm strong enough right now to do even that.

Please help, really struggling here, don't know what to do now, I feel as though I've completely ruined any chances I might have had. Just when I thought it was safe to come to piecing, not really sure where I belong.

P.S. One good thing did come out of this day - my lap times improved by 2 seconds, consistently!! Now I'm only 2 seconds behind H's lap times and he's been racing for years! Boy that felt good!!!!!

Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...