Help! New to this...still hoping for R

[Rusty]

Yea - I agree. I feel extremely uncomfortable with even the thought of dating. And to be honest - the only reason I have done it in the past is to make H jealous. It succeeded a couple times but mostly he doesn't even know or care to know. So I am not interested in dating.
I have already said I am not interested in falling in love or marriage ever again. I know that is now, but I truly don't feel it will change. I am more interested in finding my passion for myself. I really have continued most of what I thought was my passion - the horses, but maybe because of depression (?) I am just not as interested.