Where is the real me? What do I want?

[Purple]

Mediation went okay. Draining. I had to take a break while we were talking about property settlement. He is not trying to screw me over, in fact he suggested an arrangement that was a little bit better for me than him. He does care....just has a DAM way of showing it.

Maybe it's me that doesn't love him enough. I need to concentrate on me instead of obsessing with what he says and does when we disagree. Disagreeing with him just doesn't work for me. I don't know how to do it. I can't detach. I'm still enmeshed. i want him to address the issues that have happened and show me he understands the effect his actions and words have had. I don't want romance at this point, I want empathy.

I feel like I'm just not getting what he's tryhing to say. I jsut want the hurt to stop. I want to love my husband, but I don't feel (emotionally) safe with him. Is it something I have fashioned myself? I think it is...I made the monster. I'm not making sense. I'm tired.