Pieces surfacing, where's the puzzle picture?

[JustLearning]

I've decided to start a new thread since its been quite awhile since I've had an active thread. Summary (sorry a bit long):

M 8 yrs; S9(from my previous M), S6. Thought my H was going thru a MLC, if he was, it was very mild (if that's possible). Me 35, H 43.

July '02 - we holiday in Europe for 3 weeks, H comes home 2 days early for work, Me & S6 arrive home, H cold, distant. Through rest of month he's retreating fast and far. I write him a letter asking him what was going on, feeling hurt about things going on, him going on a trip alone (unheard of up until now). Takes him a week to even acknowledge the letter.

Beginning Aug '02 - H turns 43, we start talking about his distance. He's not happy, I love you, not "in" love with you, want to concentrate on my career, can't do career and family. Me pleading, guilting him, anger, most of all shock, never saw it coming.

Aug. 11, '02 - H moves out under the pretense he needs to get away for a few days to clear his head and think straight. Tells kids he's going away on business trip (he was going to leave without even saying goodbye to them). The few days turns into 4 months. He almost gets apt., but can't seem to commit to that either. H is cold, has no contact with us, unless it's me calling, I did quite a bit until I found and implemented DB. I had to tell the kids in Sept that Dad wasn't coming home anytime soon, since H wouldn't tell them.

First 5 weeks he stays at hotels. After that I get vague answers about where he's staying (and still do). Supposedly a business associate of his (male) that he's staying with. To this day, still not really sure. I start C.

Dec. 23, '02 - H moves home, under the pretense when asked "maybe for good", but never even attempts to try to work on our M, he's not sure still if he even wants to try. We never even have a discussion about it. Depression heavily sets in for him, he's a blob on my couch for 2 months.

Feb. 14, 03 - H leaves in the cover of darkness, leaving me a note, saying he can no longer sleep on the couch (which he did the entire time he was home), needs some sleep. And a P.S. saying "And NO!!! this is not a midnight run!!" 2 days later, I find out that he's become friendly with a female co-worker, they are just friends he claims (still don't know the whole story or if he's even still in contact with her since he's now working out of a different office in a different city). Says he's looking for an apt. Ends up, again, not being able to commit to signing a lease. Still don't know where he's living.

March '03 - H starts coming around a bit to see kids, will watch them for me if I ask, but he's still so incredibly confused. H seems to hear me on occasion, the little I say about OR.

April '03 - H tells me he can't seem to solve these problems alone, that he is starting C! I was was happy for him. Our communication is starting to improve, although he has almost always been able to talk to me about the kids, his job, the surface things. We start spending more time together with his race car, since I go to driver's school and get my competition license! He seems very proud of me and that I did so well. H also starts talking about switching his job to one he's been offered in another city. I start getting hugs and kisses whenever we part ways! Seems to be calling more often to let me know about things he's doing with work functions and trips.

May '03 - H stops seeing the C because of the job switch, he was basically working 2 jobs for about 3 weeks or more. H excited about new job, seems to enjoy us racing together, spending some time with me and kids, starting to do things with them. I start my 2nd semester back to college and H agress to watch kids for me 2 nights a week for the 7 weeks! And has kept his promise (with a little help from a neighbor when he's stuck in traffic).

June '03 - H starts seeing C again, with some real positive results. He seems to be coming out of the fog in his mind, but still can't seem to open up too much about his single life or about what he wants in regards to OR. I try really hard not to get angry about the secrecy, but difficult because of unknown about OW. Huge trust issues for me have started surfacing, not sure how to handle.

For myself, I have continued to see a C, now only on a bi-weekly basis. Have reconnected with close friends, have gone back to school to get a degree in Architecture, am trying to get a life! My panic in all of this has been money. I am a stay at home mom who hasn't worked in about 4 years and don't have the skills to find a job that would pay me enough to support me and my kids. The reason to go back to school. Which I love. Feel like I have finally found my career niche. H has only taken out one lump sum of money back in Sept. and has not touched anything. Not even his paycheck. It is still deposited into our joint checking and I still am writing out all the bills, including his car payment. I know he could pull the plug at any time, but it does give me a sense of control.

I have seen many baby steps heading in my direction, but I also still see the sitch as a 50/50 shot of whether he'll decide we are worth his effort. I have a real hard time with patience, it still is so hard to watch him leave in the evenings after watching the kids.

How long is this comfortable limbo going to last? I honestly don't know if he is having his family needs met here, and then his manly needs met someplace else. Would he still be initiating kisses if he was having an A? It was after I knew about the OW that he started with the affection, after it not been none at all when all this started.

So many things I've left out, but then it would be a novel if I added it all.

How do I get past this slump I feel I've fallen into? I get angry that he can come and go as he pleases, but I'm strapped down. It's not fair! One time I asked him when it was my turn to run away from home and all its responsibilites, his answer was when I get a job and can make some money And yet he supported my decision about staying home with the kids, and his pay can accomodate that.

Will he ever open up to me about his single life, where he's living, the truth about the R with the OW (has always maintained they were friends, she listened to him, and it only came close to being physical a couple of times ). And all I can do is take it at face value, because there's no other way of knowing.

Anyway, sorry its gotten so long. It's hard to condense 10 months of pain and misery to only a couple of paragraphs. I do have a few threads scattered in Newcomers and MLC if you want to try to wade through the muck of my saga!

Any questions, comments, suggestions, advice, and/or support will be greatly appreciated! And if you've gotten this far thanks!

JL

[BRIDGET]

Let me be the first here to congratulate you
on you steady successes -- welcome to Piecing.

I'm glad to catch up with your sitch (and thanks
for stopping by to check on me, and for your nice
words).

As you know, my H is not finished with his MLC,
and we are separated AGAIN -- but while he was
gone all last year there was steady progress for
us, too -- similar to what you've got going on.

(My H moved out again because the O-chick wagged
her you-know-what at him when she found out we were
getting back together again -- H couldn't resist
"one last taste" as he told me. The creep.)

But I've been able to detach from him pretty well
since he moved out April 1 -- and he's already
coming around again.

I have lots of hope -- no matter what happens.

It's hard to say how long this will take --
but it seems to me your H is showing willingness
more and more. The fact that he's in C makes a big
difference.

I don't have tons of advice -- just keep steady.
Keep doing wonderful things for yourself: luxe little
gifts (that you deserve), new CDs, fragrance spritzers,
snazzy skirts and lingerie -- to keep up PMA and
keep romance alive.

Act as if you don't need him -- he's stricly icing.

Compliment and cheerlead -- you'll both feel better.

It may not yet be YOUR TURN to talk -- be patient.

R talk could boomerang to make you worry -- don't worry.

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!

You've done an ACE job -- kudos for good good work,
grrrlll!!!

I'll check in again soon.

Love your attitude,

Bridget

[mgoodwin]

Hi,
Just read your story sounds alot like mine. My h is renting his own place but, spends most of his time at home.
I know how difficult this is I find it hard to stop all the q's in my head. I have recently read through D/R which has kept me focused but, sometimes I feel like screaming and you know what I scream! so go ahead it helps.
I had to finally look and go you know it is not fair that he had the A and I feel like I am doing all the work or he gets to come and go as he pleases,but right now that is the way it is and I am sure he is having a hard time with it as well. We can't control how they feel we can only try to make ourselves happy and "act as if" I am sure you know all this all ready. Just wanted you to know I understand how you feel. Hang in there and go ahead and scream every know and then.

[JustLearning]

Thanks so much Bridget for stopping by, you've given me a great PMA boost for a Monday morning!

Funny you mention doing things for myself, I did! I have a wedding to go to this weekend (which in itself is going to be hard ) but I decided I am going dressed to the 9's. So went shopping for a killer dress, and found 2! And they were both on clearance to boot! One is red, one is black, bought sexy high heeled sandals and to top it off, bought some new frangrance splash and shower gel. I've actually gotten really excited about going now! I have asked H if he wanted to go, he's still thinking about it, but I'm pretty comfortable with whatever decision he makes. I'm showing off my new self for me, not for anyone!

Thanks for reminding me that it's not my turn to talk with H yet! I do need reminding quite often!

You have such an amazing outlook, you amaze me! And if your H can't see your sparkliness, then he's blind as a bat!! But it sounds like he is already realizing what he's missing out on, keep up the great work!

I most likely won't hear from H today, but he'll be here tomorrow to watch kids while I go to school. He is going to take the kids to the movies, his idea! That's a new one for him, taking the kids out to do something other than eating!

Here's hoping for a good week!

Advice, questions, suggestions always welcome!

[JustLearning]

Thanks mgoodwin for replying, it does help to talk with people who really understand how I'm feeling and how I'm dealing with the sitch.

Yes, the questions in my head get overwhelming and it does push me to doing or saying things I shouldn't and are bad DBing, but I'm still learning how to control them, and least I can see them coming now.

Why do the WAS seem like they are having the time of their life at our expense? It sometimes just gets to me and I have to vent!

But I do find that my PMA is more up than down nowadays, which helps tremendously. And I do think my H has noticed. He is slowly warming again, just not fast enough in my opinion! But I'll keep on keeping on and see what happens.

[JustLearning]

Tonight was a great night for me! (and only about me! ). I had class tonight which went really well, considering on Tue night class, I was freaking out b/c I was so far behind in getting my presentation ready. But instructor changed due dates around and that took off so much pressure! God was truly helping me this week!! And on top of that, I am finally getting a good grasp of some of the drawing techniques we're learning about! Yeah for me!! So now presentation isn't due until next Tue, and the icing on the cake: she gave us a take home final exam!Whoo Hoo! How great is that!

Back to tonight. When I got out of clas it was 10pm, and the sun had set, but lighting the horizon. It turned the black sky that wonderful midnight blue with lighter shades of blue going to the horizon. Completely clear, no moon or stars, but one planet shining its light on me (not sure which planet). It was the first time I actually found myself fully enjoying the natural wonder of this planet of ours. What a great feeling of contentment. I knew for absolute certain, no matter how things in my life turn out, I will be just fine. What a liberating feeling!

Now, about the uncertain part of my life: my H. He still has not given me an answer as to whether he will be going to the wedding with me & the kids on Sat. I am pretty sure the answer is going to be no, and I'm completely prepared for it. That is the expectation. Is that wrong?

But I am looking forward to going to the wedding reception Sat night (will actually miss the wedding b/c of S6's last soccer game). I can't wait to wear one of my fancy new gowns. I am going uptown, baby!! Going to do my nails (and toes ), I bought fancy new sexy shoes, I have a beaded fancy handbag that will be perfect too. Gosh, I haven't been this excited about anything in what seems like forever! I may even stay overnight, since its a bit of a drive from home. Can't wait!

The other news is that H actually called the mtg. company about refinancing the house. We got the papers in the mail today. He actually made a decision!

I find too that b/c we talk about looking for small baby steps, I am getting hung up on ALL the little things. Like H always wants to drive seperately to things. We went to McD's with S6 on Father's Day. We drove 2 cars b/c he said he would be easier for me to head to my parents afterward. We only live a mile from McD. When we leave the racetrack, he hangs way way back and is almost always behind me. I cross over the highway he gets on to go back to wherever it is that he's living. He never answers the phone at the house when I'm not there, but I know he checks caller ID b/c he'll answer it if its me.

There are positives. He cleaned up his mess in the garage the other night. He put away the dinner mess he made when he fed kids. He even apologized for keeping me up so late when he left at 1am Tue night! (not sure if that was b/c I got my pj's on before he left, told him not to worry, that he wasn't). On his own suggestion, he took the kids to the movie theater to see new Rugrats movie.

So many pluses and minuses, how do I know where this is really going? So many good, and still so many bad(for me, at least) I still can't seem to grasp a direction.

But for some reason, I'm still hanging in there. Only God knows why, I suppose, because I sure don't.

Let me know what you all think.

[JustLearning]

Well last night was the wedding reception I had been planning for and it was a lot of fun! I had a dress that was very sexy, so not me, but I wore it proudly (especially to show off the 20lbs I've lost!) and felt great! The dress was black, so of course I painted my nails, fingers and toes (another thing I don't do) a bright beautiful red, and had strappy black shoes that showed off the red toenails.

H never did answer me to whether or not he was going with me or not. The silence was loud enough for me. I figured he wouldn't. I was right. And was actually ok about it. What did bother me was the lack of response. I felt it was just downright rude to not give me an answer even if it was no.

The upside was that he came to the house after S6's soccer game to mow grass. And he was still here when I got ready to leave. So he saw me all Diva'd up! Of course he never said anything, but I know he noticed! I just smiled at him and said See ya! And off I went!

A positive thing also happened. My Mom was here (going with me) and she went over to him and kissed him goodbye. He accepted it. I hope he realizes that Mom does not hate him. He avoids my family and most friends like the plague. She only wants whats best for us and is supportive of my efforts to try to restore my M.

Well I now have to go get my S9 from his dads. They took him for me yesterday after we discovered S9 has the chicken pox! So in about 2 weeks or so, S6 will probably be down with them. At least school is almost over, only 2 days left, that S9 will miss (he's not happy about it!).

Thank goodness I've had them! JL

[DownNotOut]

Ahh, chicken pox!! All three of my kids had them one right after the other. Well, middle S got them first, then oldest and youngest had them at the same time. That was a fun few weeks!!

Glad that you had a good time at the wedding, but sorry your H didn't go with you. I am glad that he was able to see you in all your glory before you left tho'--let him see what he's missing!

Also glad to hear that you M is being so supportive about things for you. It's very hard for them to see their daughters go thru what we are, and still support the decision to try to save the marriage and take H back. My Mom and MIL have been very supportive of me this past year. MIL thinks her son has lost his mind, but still loves him. She is now supporting my filing for D. I wish things were different for me, but my H has made his choice.

I hope that your H wakes up before it's too late.

DNO

[JustLearning]

Thanks DNO for posting. I have been so busy this past week, I'm just now able to catch up on things at home!

S9's chicken pox are progressing along nicely (if that's possible ), he's not been sick really at all, a little fever on the 2nd day that's it. And not much itching, thank goodness. S6 still has not gotten them, I figure this weekend when he's with his Nana!

We have a race this weekend, and I'm actually not looking forward to it. The racing yes, spending time with H, no. Don't get me wrong I like being with him. But it is getting soooooo hard to spend time with him and stay in this limbo.

When would I know if he's cake eating? Not sure if that's happening, but at times I feel like he's not making any decisions because it's too comfortable right now. Can come and do the family man thing, mow lawn, etc. and then leave when he wants and go back to the single man again.

I feel my PMA taking a nose dive and not sure how to stop it. Any suggestions?

I am getting very frustrated about the whole sitch! And I'm also finally going through the feelings of not trusting him, and its really hard. I still don't know where he's living, still not sure if he's still in contact with the OW or if he's even living with her? Who the He!! knows, but I'm getting fed up.

He is still (I think) seeing the C. I am trying to be patient knowing that he is behind me in learning and growth, but its terribly hard.

How do I deal with this weekend? (Besides wanting to just jump him in a dark corner! )

Any suggestions or advice greatly appreciated!
Thanks!

JL

[shinybear]

Hi JL! Welcome!!!!!

I just lost a two paragraph post I was typing...no idea how, computers just hate me sometimes.

Let's see if I can remember any of it: Oh yes, do check out Shay5's thread, her sitch is at a more similar place and shares the element of "he's here, he's gone etc".

I will give you a warning: many of us are much further along the piecing road...don't make direct comparisons to your sitch and wonder why you and your H "don't do that, or feel that way" (Thinking of Pam's H there).

If you could read some of my earlier threads! OY (there's an earlier one on p3 here which has a link to the previous one...but that trail will only take you back to Feb).

For the LOONGEST time after the bombs, my H didn't want to go out with me. At least not anywhere that "the others" might be. He was afraid of judgement, embarassed by what he'd done...I went to our New Year's Party alone...he didn't tell me until the very last minute that he wasn't going..."Because I don't feel like it" (sarcastic, hurtful tone).

Happened lots of times until slowly things improved with us and it became apparent to him that NO ONE was holding this against him (or at least not overtly!). My folks too gave him a hug and kiss the first time they saw him after "the bomb". I was SOOOO glad to read that in your post.

So I hate to say it, but welcome to limbo. How long your H will wander the sands of MLC, no one knows. But the fact that there ARE visible improvements (and there ARE), and he is seeing a C is very good.

Hang in there, I'll check on you again

Shiny