Glad to hear from you all. Kerry, I'll bet you are having a great time and the weather is probably outstanding.
Well, I've been busy for the past few days and thus haven't posted here (or caught up w/ everyone else - which means I'm probably 3 new threads behind Kalni by now...oh, well). I'm going to try and catch up after several days off while D is still sleeping. I'll try to be brief, but you know me...
Anyway, I finally have the house interior painted. They finished around 2 pm on the 4th, so I really just hung out after that. D was w/ W for the 4th, and I did speak to her as well as W who wanted to tell me she had purchased a new 37 inch flat screen TV and was giving me all the information on why it was the top brand b/c "my TVs are old and you may want to replace them soon."
The saddest part about the 4th was W was stressed and tired and ended up falling asleep early w/ D and they missed the fireworks. D was upset about it when we talked the next morning and if I would have had her, I could have gotten her somewhere to see fireworks, even if it was on top of our roof here at the house. Oh, well. Nothing I can do about it, but it was still sad b/c she was so disappointed.
W and I had engaged in another text discussion on the 3rd, but this time I didn't apologize for myself. In fact, I told her I thought she was controlling of D's time w/ me and that I was being punished for wanting to see my D. W snapped back at that one and delivered her ultimatum for when I'll see D - complete w/ a "take it or leave it." She also brought up several of her past complaints about how I treated her and even threw a jab in about the dogs. That is the one that stung, b/c I love those boys and really made a bone-headed mistake. I don't need help crucifying myself for that one.
Our discussions got really interesting on Saturday the 5th, when D called me as I was putting the house back together and asked if she could see me earlier than scheduled. W got on the phone and we talked about it and then she asked if I had to go to court over the issue w/ the dogs on Monday. I told her about it and informed her that not only did I have to hire a criminal attorney for $5500 but I'll have to explain this every time I get my teaching license renewed or apply for a new job.
She was empathetic and said "Oh, Rob. I'm so sorry. I really am. Are you alright?" I told her I wasn't ok b/c I've kept beating myself up over this stupid thing since it happened. She then said "Did you mean to do it? Did you mean to hurt them?" I said no, and she followed w/ "Then stop beating yourself up." I was floored that she actually supported me here. It seemed like the woman I married not the angry one she's become of late.
So, I picked up D and we made more pottery at As You Wish, then ate, saw Kung Fu Panda again and went shopping at Target - Big Fun, Right? D and W talk around 5:15 b/c W sent a text telling me she was tired. D also tried to call her again at 7:30 and at 8:15, but only left messages.
W did call at 9:30 and I was reading to D before bed, so I let them talk. They did their goodnight thing, then W asked to talk w/ me. W told me she had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and when I asked why, she said she had gone to the ER last weekend w/ chest pains and this is something we'll need to talk about later. I'm curious and worried as to the severity of these pains. She's only 38, so what could be the cause of her chest pains? Stress? That's what I'm thinking.
On Sunday, W started a long text day by asking me if I'd like extra time w/ D and to return her on Tuesday instead of today. Of course I jumped at the chance and W said she was doing it b/c "You are struggling and I tought you might like her company." She also mentioned that not being w/ D "kills" her. When I replied that it "destroys me too" to not be w/ her, the can of worms opened up again. However, this time, I didn't apologize, but instead looked forward and every time I left things off at a point where the conversation could end, she'd pick it up minutes or even hours later and keep it going.
W went forward to talk how when she doesn't have D w/ her she's an emotional wreck who spends her time crying and puking b/c she's repressed all of her feelings and they have to come out sometime, somewhere. I did tell her I was sorry she was so physically beat up as I know what a toll that takes on her body but that it wasa good to not keep things locked inside. I kept trying to be as neutral as possible during this whole exchange. At one point I even said "...so aside from apologizing and changing my behavior, there isn't much I can do." I left it in her court and she kept going after the bait.
The real kicker came last night when it seemed as if our conversation was long dead when W sent this text:
Quote:
you know...in all this you have never once said I love you.
Ok, I was floored to see this and I told her that I was instructed not to say that a long time ago so I've stopped. She then said "and if I told you otherwise?" and added something about the divorce being akin to a war.
I then said the divorce "has nothing to do w/ my feelings for you" and it ended there w/out a reply. In case you are wondering, I am being truthful as my feelings for W are separated from the D. The D is its own entity and while it does make things difficult, when everything is considered, my feelings for W are separate from this entire process we're entangled in right now.
So, that is my story. The ILY bomb was incredibly interesting and only goes to prove my thoughts that she doesn't want the D after all. Oh, I'm still selling the house and moving forward in that direction and there is no way we'd live together again for a long, long while until we're able to determine if we can repair our M. However, I found it to be interesting that she seems to want me to tell her that I love her right now.
Well, maybe if she wasn't so mean, filled w/ anger, blaming and repressing all of her negative emotions, then we could actually begin to rebuild our lives together. I'm still only going 1/2 way w/ this and she's got to come a long, long way back as well as do a lot of repair and recanting of lies, stories and events, but it does seem like a positive, doesn't it?
Well, D is up and I've got to run. I'll look to catch up on everyone else when I get a chance, ok? I promise I haven't forgotten any of my friends here. I've just been busy.
