Help! New to this...still hoping for R

[MP53]

Rusty, take a deep breath honey. I'm sorry last night was so tough on you, but it was one night. It took awhile for your marriage to get to this point, it will take awhile to fix things. You have to practice patience.

I know how hard it is not to have things the way you want them and RIGHT NOW, but if you try to push them too hard, you'll only push everyone away.

Set some goals for yourself, and focus on those goals. Things that are for you...say...learn something new or plan a trip with you and daughter and son. Focusing on yourself. Live your life without expectations of how your husband should or should not be acting. Every time you do that, he swings closer to you. So keep doing that. It seems to work.

Big hugs, cause I understand how hard holidays can be.

[Rusty]

Hope you are having a nice time on the beach! Thinking of you - weather here is cold, damp and drizzly! It's okay though - great advice as usual - And I am really trying to follow it! Thanks

[Rusty]

Well - the whole holiday weekend has passed, had a cookout & fireworks with D12, Cookout with her on Saturday, her birthday overnight last night with 6 friends & S22 and his girlfriend came over to help and not one word from H! How do they do that - so detach and not even call or see what their kids are doing on the holiday weekend! Which makes me so wonder what he was doing all weekend. I did have to talk with him on Friday because the money he puts in my account on Thursday didn't show up. Got into a little bit of an arguement about that, but I backed off and had no further contact. This is when I really hate him. I would never want to miss these occasions with my kids - what kind of creep doesn't care enough to touch base with at least them.
I guess I just keep ignoring him, but it doesn't seem to matter one bit to him!

[MP53]

Rusty, does your daughter have a cell phone? Is it possible that he called her and you didn't know?

I agree, I don't understand how a parent cannot be involved on their child's birthday, that would bother me too. Maybe he felt that he shouldn't interfere.

Sorry for the argument. It's hard not to get into it with them, isn't it? But you must. If he feels like you're going to fight with him, every time he calls you, or you call him, he will not feel safe being around you, ya know?

((((Rusty))))

[Rusty]

I usually ask her if he called her cell - didn't ask yesterday, but do know he didn't call on the 4th at all. It gets hard with all the stuff I have to do alone with her particuarly. The boys are pretty self sufficient, so they don't require alot, although S18 disappeared from his room Thursday night at around 3am. Didn't answer his cell, so I called H to see if he knew where he was. Finally connected with S, said he went to pick up a friend who was drunk and couldn't drive (which I do believe) and he came home right after and we talked about it. But H never even called back to see if I had found him or not. This is the stuff I made very clear to my H when we first married that I didn't want to parent alone. My mom pretty much did that and I watched and knew I couldn't, nor did I want to, do it alone. It makes me so very sad.
Yeah - I tried so hard not to bite the bait, which H is so good at doing to me. I bit just a little and then backed off, but he could tell by my shortness with him that I was mad. Haven't heard a word since.
So tell me about the beach - was it great???

[MP53]

Didn't actually get to the beach. Weather here was awful on the 4th and on Saturday, not much better, so a friend came over and we watched the first season of Buffy (don't laugh) and ate Chinese food and laughed and joked and it was great.

She's a good friend.

Hope to get to the beach next weekend maybe. Fried clams are my favorite summer treat and I was sad to miss an opportunity to get some.

[Rusty]

Oh - too bad but sounds like fun anyway! Thank goodness for friends like that! I love fried clams also! I'll bet there are very good in your neck of the woods!
I joined a meetup.com group here locally and met a man that is very nice, not really my type, but we had a nice conversation. He left his wife after 30 years - said she was controlling and kept him in a fog to avoid problems. Life is too short, blah, blah, blah! I seem to meet men like this everywhere. As he talked I could see that I had been just like his wife to my H. It is so hard to hear it, see the product in another person and know that that is your H talking with someone else about the same thing.
He asked me out over the internet for Friday, but I told him I didn't date right now. That I was still married and didn't feel it was right to date as such. Thanked him for asking and that maybe we would see each other at another meetup event.
I feel like I should try to get out and date, but what do you all think? I know I would be so terribly uncomfortable (I did go out on three dates during this separation - and I was VERY Uncomfortable), but should I at least keep trying?

[MP53]

Rusty, I don't know about dating. I haven't dated either...just don't want to, or something. Maybe it's an excuse, to keep from having to get out there.

I would say that the better thing to do is to GAL and focus on that. Where do you want your life to go, and how will you get it there? If your H never comes back, do you want to be still wondering how you should live your life?

Think back to how you were before you met your husband. What dreams did that Rusty have? What are some things you like to do that maybe you have put aside because of raising kids, etc. Now is the time to seek out those pastimes and rekindle your interest in them.

It may not bring your H back, but it will make you a much more positive person. Do not rely on others to make you happy. Happiness has to come from within you.

I know you know all this, I'm not trying to lecture you, but I think you're thinking that falling in love with someone else will fix everything, and really, love should be the icing on the cake to a great life you are excited to live, with or without someone.

Keep going to social events, make FRIENDS, and eventually, you'll know whether or not to move on. Friends are a better stepping stone then a new relationship.

[Rusty]

Yea - I agree. I feel extremely uncomfortable with even the thought of dating. And to be honest - the only reason I have done it in the past is to make H jealous. It succeeded a couple times but mostly he doesn't even know or care to know. So I am not interested in dating.
I have already said I am not interested in falling in love or marriage ever again. I know that is now, but I truly don't feel it will change. I am more interested in finding my passion for myself. I really have continued most of what I thought was my passion - the horses, but maybe because of depression (?) I am just not as interested.

[Rusty]

Okay - H just left with S to go to college orientation. I have not spoken to him since Saturday when I called to let him know that the money he put in my account on Thursday would show up today as the bank was having some issue. I was very short with him due to the fact that he tried, when I talked with him on Friday about the money, to make me feel - again - like I was saying he never does anything right and dragging me into one of our old fight issues. I refused to be drug in but I definitely was upset about it. He called back to apologize (several hours later), and I accepted but was not friendly. Then the Sat. call. Haven't spoken since.
He and S are driving to UK, all the prep and any schedule of the trip was never relayed to me, I let them use my car - his is a POS and probably wouldn't make the trip - I made cookies and had some snacks for them to take. My S took my car to his apartment to pick him up and H never called to tell me anything!
I am so angry! I had even thought that if he called I would be friendly and just say Hey - how are you doing - are you ready for a fun trip with S. But I didn't even get the chance.
What now - he has definitely climbed back into his shell and I don't know what to do......