I've decided to start a new thread since its been quite awhile since I've had an active thread. Summary (sorry a bit long):

M 8 yrs; S9(from my previous M), S6. Thought my H was going thru a MLC, if he was, it was very mild (if that's possible). Me 35, H 43.

July '02 - we holiday in Europe for 3 weeks, H comes home 2 days early for work, Me & S6 arrive home, H cold, distant. Through rest of month he's retreating fast and far. I write him a letter asking him what was going on, feeling hurt about things going on, him going on a trip alone (unheard of up until now). Takes him a week to even acknowledge the letter.

Beginning Aug '02 - H turns 43, we start talking about his distance. He's not happy, I love you, not "in" love with you, want to concentrate on my career, can't do career and family. Me pleading, guilting him, anger, most of all shock, never saw it coming.

Aug. 11, '02 - H moves out under the pretense he needs to get away for a few days to clear his head and think straight. Tells kids he's going away on business trip (he was going to leave without even saying goodbye to them). The few days turns into 4 months. He almost gets apt., but can't seem to commit to that either. H is cold, has no contact with us, unless it's me calling, I did quite a bit until I found and implemented DB. I had to tell the kids in Sept that Dad wasn't coming home anytime soon, since H wouldn't tell them.

First 5 weeks he stays at hotels. After that I get vague answers about where he's staying (and still do). Supposedly a business associate of his (male) that he's staying with. To this day, still not really sure. I start C.

Dec. 23, '02 - H moves home, under the pretense when asked "maybe for good", but never even attempts to try to work on our M, he's not sure still if he even wants to try. We never even have a discussion about it. Depression heavily sets in for him, he's a blob on my couch for 2 months.

Feb. 14, 03 - H leaves in the cover of darkness, leaving me a note, saying he can no longer sleep on the couch (which he did the entire time he was home), needs some sleep. And a P.S. saying "And NO!!! this is not a midnight run!!" 2 days later, I find out that he's become friendly with a female co-worker, they are just friends he claims (still don't know the whole story or if he's even still in contact with her since he's now working out of a different office in a different city). Says he's looking for an apt. Ends up, again, not being able to commit to signing a lease. Still don't know where he's living.

March '03 - H starts coming around a bit to see kids, will watch them for me if I ask, but he's still so incredibly confused. H seems to hear me on occasion, the little I say about OR.

April '03 - H tells me he can't seem to solve these problems alone, that he is starting C! I was was happy for him. Our communication is starting to improve, although he has almost always been able to talk to me about the kids, his job, the surface things. We start spending more time together with his race car, since I go to driver's school and get my competition license! He seems very proud of me and that I did so well. H also starts talking about switching his job to one he's been offered in another city. I start getting hugs and kisses whenever we part ways! Seems to be calling more often to let me know about things he's doing with work functions and trips.

May '03 - H stops seeing the C because of the job switch, he was basically working 2 jobs for about 3 weeks or more. H excited about new job, seems to enjoy us racing together, spending some time with me and kids, starting to do things with them. I start my 2nd semester back to college and H agress to watch kids for me 2 nights a week for the 7 weeks! And has kept his promise (with a little help from a neighbor when he's stuck in traffic).

June '03 - H starts seeing C again, with some real positive results. He seems to be coming out of the fog in his mind, but still can't seem to open up too much about his single life or about what he wants in regards to OR. I try really hard not to get angry about the secrecy, but difficult because of unknown about OW. Huge trust issues for me have started surfacing, not sure how to handle.

For myself, I have continued to see a C, now only on a bi-weekly basis. Have reconnected with close friends, have gone back to school to get a degree in Architecture, am trying to get a life! My panic in all of this has been money. I am a stay at home mom who hasn't worked in about 4 years and don't have the skills to find a job that would pay me enough to support me and my kids. The reason to go back to school. Which I love. Feel like I have finally found my career niche. H has only taken out one lump sum of money back in Sept. and has not touched anything. Not even his paycheck. It is still deposited into our joint checking and I still am writing out all the bills, including his car payment. I know he could pull the plug at any time, but it does give me a sense of control.

I have seen many baby steps heading in my direction, but I also still see the sitch as a 50/50 shot of whether he'll decide we are worth his effort. I have a real hard time with patience, it still is so hard to watch him leave in the evenings after watching the kids.

How long is this comfortable limbo going to last? I honestly don't know if he is having his family needs met here, and then his manly needs met someplace else. Would he still be initiating kisses if he was having an A? It was after I knew about the OW that he started with the affection, after it not been none at all when all this started.

So many things I've left out, but then it would be a novel if I added it all.

How do I get past this slump I feel I've fallen into? I get angry that he can come and go as he pleases, but I'm strapped down. It's not fair! One time I asked him when it was my turn to run away from home and all its responsibilites, his answer was when I get a job and can make some money And yet he supported my decision about staying home with the kids, and his pay can accomodate that.

Will he ever open up to me about his single life, where he's living, the truth about the R with the OW (has always maintained they were friends, she listened to him, and it only came close to being physical a couple of times ). And all I can do is take it at face value, because there's no other way of knowing.

Anyway, sorry its gotten so long. It's hard to condense 10 months of pain and misery to only a couple of paragraphs. I do have a few threads scattered in Newcomers and MLC if you want to try to wade through the muck of my saga!

Any questions, comments, suggestions, advice, and/or support will be greatly appreciated! And if you've gotten this far thanks!

JL

Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...