so... I haven't sent the text yet, I have been feeling so lonely that I am a little afraid to initiate communication, b/c I think he will be able to "smell" my loneliness. But I forced myself to wait through the weekend... now I think I could send it tomorrow.
The past couple days I have been really, really... pining for him, and missing him, something I don't think I've let myself feel yet... in the beginning right after the bombs it was like, "I'm NOT going to let someone do this to me," and then, it evolved into examining myself, scheming, planning, shopping, etc Now I just really miss who he is and having him in my life. I dunno... I think that hunger to be able to talk to him is keeping me from reaching out, b/c I do not want hunger/yearning/pining/even desperation to be the motivation... I want clever DB'ing to be the motivation!! But we already determined that my text was DB-approved!!! So I should just go ahead!!
The fourth was nice... I went up to my roof w/ a cello friend b/c I thought I would be able to see the downtown ATL fireworks, a mere mile away... but they were completely obscured by the skyline of downtown!! However, there were about 8 different fireworks displays all across the area that you could see barely above the tree line and really far away. BUT my friend & I went downstairs to my apartment to eat chocolate chip cookies and drink tea, and half an hour later there was an awesome fireworks display way closer that we could see from my window! Nice
We also had a talk about B, since I hadn't talked to my cello friend since before all the action. She had some interesting observations... 1. that he probably wanted me to come to his concert so he could show me all of HIS changes and all the new things HE had learned, just how I wanted to show him all of my changes! 2. She also pointed out that obviously he knows how to make himself look hot to attract a woman, and what with the Man of the Mountain Beard it indicates that he is not trying to do that righ t now, which is good for me. 3. I told her about the dream... where B gave me a hug while tuning his violin? And she had a totally different interpretation... that "maybe it meant he was finally able to embrace, at the same time, the two things in his life that were the most important"... his music and me. I almost started crying... if her interpretation was true, it would be utterly amazing.
In the meantime, I am waiting... and waiting...
(((EVERYONE))) I'm sorry I haven't been posting to your threads, I have just been feeling really lonely and weird and not having much to offer... but we all know, that will shift
Hi T - thinking of you! You know if you are feeling lonely and down you have to get out there and mingle! Tell me 3 great things you are looking forward to. xxx
I know the loneliness is temporary, I just have 2 weeks here in ATL before another whirlwind of visiting friends and family and going to cello boot camp. But!
Three things I am looking forward to *today*: -meeting a new tutoring student -going to my awesome aerobics class -going to my favorite yoga class!
Sorry you have been feeling a bit down! The tide will turn and you will be back to your chipper self again in no time! I just wanted to stop by and give you a great big hug! You are a very special lady and you deserve the very best...don't ever forget that!
As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers!
(P.S.) I lost 40 pounds because of the MLC stress...but I have kept it off for almost a year now...so that is a good thing! The biking helped out too...I am really missing that right now but hopefully it won't be for long!)
((((((((((T))))))))))
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
Just wondering how you are doing? Hope you are feeling a little better. I'm popping out this lunchtime to buy the ingredients for the chocolate chips cookies.
I was wondering what we could all do to cheer ourselves up as a lot of people seem a bit down at the mo. I think chocolate may be the answer!
I am feeling much much better. All of this solitude has really helped me bring some consciousness to some mean things I do to myself inside my own head... that I believe will shift.
I realized that I think my computer became a substitute for my R, very slowly and unconsciously. I am trying to shift my habits and reclaim some non computer time. So... I did over 24 hours with absolutely no computer, and I feel REALLY GOOD. I might be experimenting with this more, so it's not because I don't love each one of you, it's b/c I am trying to have a healthier relationship with my lil computer!! It's gotten a little... compulsive.
Basically realizing there are a lot of negative energies I have been blaming on others or my environment, when a lot of it has to do with how I treat MYSELF and the reality I am creating. I have more choice than I think... but I have to step back and observe what I am doing in my own head... and then make changes in my routine.
I feel like some others on the BB are also pulling back into their feelings, I wonder if this is part of the process, part of some cycle of... TRANSFORMATION.
I think I have found my enthusiasm for practicing again... I am really excited for the new things I'm going to be working on and the new things I"m going to be DOING!
OH!!! I bought my plane tickets for Cello Boot Camp, NYC and visiting my family. I will be able to be in NYC for 2-4 days, but can just go straight to visit my family if B won't be there.
AND I sent the text yesterday afternoon. No word... that's OK... I think he's in his cave. I'm thinking I'll wait a week, maybe two, and then try another little light contact. Probably by the 23rd-ish I'd want to let him know, somehow or other, that I'd be in NYC, so he'd have a couple weeks headsup to wrap his mind around it, out of courtesy.
I'm glad you sent the text... and I'm glad you're able to pull away from the computer... although with how busy you are I do find it almost impossible that you would have been on the computer that much. There are only so many hours in the day.. so with school, cello, muffin making, shopping for shoes and furry boots, hanging out with your family and contorting yourself in one of many yoga positions I don't know how you had time for a compulsive computer relationship!
I'm glad you'll continue to check in... even if it's not as often. I find you always have something fantastic to say!
I too don't post as often as I used to... although I still read a lot. I think once the direness of the sitch wears off I didn't feel as overwhelmed any more. I still love the feedback and want to keep in touch with the friends I've made on here... but I don't feel like my world has ended anymore know what I mean?
Anyway, enough about me!!!
Glad you got your tickets to boot camp and that you'll be in NYC again.
Now I just really miss who he is and having him in my life. I dunno... I think that hunger to be able to talk to him is keeping me from reaching out, b/c I do not want hunger/yearning/pining/even desperation to be the motivation... I want clever DB'ing to be the motivation!! But we already determined that my text was DB-approved!!! So I should just go ahead!!
However, there were about 8 different fireworks displays all across the area that you could see barely above the tree line and really far away. BUT my friend & I went downstairs to my apartment to eat chocolate chip cookies and drink tea, and half an hour later there was an awesome fireworks display way closer that we could see from my window! Nice