Today I walked with my 2x4 friend and another woman. I listened as they talked about work and vacations.. interjecting quips and questions as we walked in the high humidity with cool temperatures. At one point I summarized what was up with me succinctly and the conversation moved on. I was happy to be walking again.
When the other woman left, my 2x4 friend and I walked a different path winding around the trees.. much prettier than the track and only across the parking lot. I'm slowing realizing it's always been "The Spouse Show"... what he wants. Now I'm on the other side. There's good and bad. I truly deeply hate what this will do to the children. Yet begging, pleading, asking him to consider it for their sake will fall on deaf ears. What will it accomplish... make him more convinced that his way continues to be the right way.
I had a lot of responsibility in our marriage which he relinquished to avoid conflict, to focus on work. I gave him total freedom to put as much time into his job as he wanted.. something he truly loved.
When the bomb dropped I was bereft.. wondering where was I when all these decisions were made, where was I.. his partner, his wife. I wasn't there as an active participant when he compromised himself for the greater good.. and I wasn't there for me, as I compromised for the family. The work we did, didn't work.
My goal is never be alone in a relationship again.
