As much as all this sucks the big Hoover in the sky.. in the end I will have those I love most in the world and those who love me in my life. If I am dedicated and vigilant, I will be better than I have ever been in my life.
Don't forget about 45-50 hard core regualrs over in thwe alternate reality+ 100's you've touched here. Not only will you be better, those around you will be the better for it.
For anything to flourish, it needs to be tended to. When I had my squeamy moment about the joy thing.. I realized I was back to where I was 25 years ago. I'd never grown beyond that.. really didn't want to based on having a relationship and marriage.
Now it's the time to continue growing. Was it bad that in my marriage I didn't evolve as much as I could? In a perfect world, yes.. in the world of life, I've learned alot, experienced wonderful times and now know the difference between surviving a relationship and what I might expect to deserve to give AND receive. You can see I still have a little trouble believing I'm worth the effort.. but heck, it's all a process.
Let's share some joyful conversation the next time you drive through.. if you like.
'Don't forget about 45-50 hard core regualrs over in thwe alternate reality+ 100's you've touched here. Not only will you be better, those around you will be the better for it."
Oddly enough I never think that way. I always view my posts as one of those flyers on a telephone pole that flaps a little in the breeze. It's there but unobtrusive. Perhaps that's the way I view myself once I strip away my need to make connections with anyone I meet. If you want to meet the me behind the exuberance.. I'm just below the surface.
Today I walked with my 2x4 friend and another woman. I listened as they talked about work and vacations.. interjecting quips and questions as we walked in the high humidity with cool temperatures. At one point I summarized what was up with me succinctly and the conversation moved on. I was happy to be walking again.
When the other woman left, my 2x4 friend and I walked a different path winding around the trees.. much prettier than the track and only across the parking lot. I'm slowing realizing it's always been "The Spouse Show"... what he wants. Now I'm on the other side. There's good and bad. I truly deeply hate what this will do to the children. Yet begging, pleading, asking him to consider it for their sake will fall on deaf ears. What will it accomplish... make him more convinced that his way continues to be the right way.
I had a lot of responsibility in our marriage which he relinquished to avoid conflict, to focus on work. I gave him total freedom to put as much time into his job as he wanted.. something he truly loved.
When the bomb dropped I was bereft.. wondering where was I when all these decisions were made, where was I.. his partner, his wife. I wasn't there as an active participant when he compromised himself for the greater good.. and I wasn't there for me, as I compromised for the family. The work we did, didn't work.
My goal is never be alone in a relationship again.
If you're around later tonight, stop by...i could use of your kind of insight after i lay out today's events...
Food for thought:
If one's spouse is totally unwilling to try to work on the R, maybe a quick break is less damaging than the slow, lingering death i'm experiencing...wouldn't have said that until recently. Now, I wonder...
I truly deeply hate what this will do to the children. Yet begging, pleading, asking him to consider it for their sake will fall on deaf ears. What will it accomplish... make him more convinced that his way continues to be the right way
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Unfortunately right about this, doesn't keep most of us from trying to buck the norm first, especially in the beginning.
Spreading your own wings & getting closer to "you" is what brings the most positive outcome. I admire the way you're doing that.
