Trouble on the lake erie shore #3

[twinhope]

I am new to this site and I noticed that you have B/G twins that are 2. I have girl twins that are 2 1/2. I am not sure where to go on this site or how to create a thread of my own. If you have any advice for me I would appreciate it! At first I was not happy about our sep but feel that it needed to happen in order to repair my M. However my H does not want to work on things so advice that I got was to wait and see.

[Neilh23]

twinhope...i think you want twindad, not me. he has given me lots of advice....page thru my sitch, you'll get a lot of good stuff

[pisces9]

neil- whatever she says i would not believe...just listen and say i understand...it is all baloney right now- just more words to push you back...if you can detach and listen as if it was a friend telling you their sitch it will allow her space and time....
you are doing great and it is good that she is telling you things- even thought its not what you want to hear...it is a test even if she doesnt know it...:)

[LosingSunshine]

Neil, I gav a question for you regarding one of your posts on another thread. I haven't had a Chance to read your entire sitch but you said that your W dropped the bomb after she started hanging out with single and independent women or the such. The same thing happened to me...knoowing full well that there where festering problems etc...and was wondering what your perspective is on that aspect. My W was heavily dependent on me for a number of reasons and now just wants her independence.
Thoughts?

Tia, LS

[Neilh23]

interesting...let me ponder that a bit and get back to you. i think it played a role....was it the entire thing, no. Check out what Michele says about WAW's.......i think this was her opportunity to get out.....i think.

i'll let you know more later...gotta ponder it some more

[upside_downer]

so i've been tossing this around for a couple of days..

My W said to me that she feels bad that she blindsided me with this...she feels bad how it's effecting our kids.....and that she just doesn't want ot be married right now. She said she understands that it probably doesn't make sense to me, but it makes perfect sense to her....

is this a typical WAW feeling? i sorta think so...and i can sorta see her reasoning....after reading things on here anyways.

so some enlightenment would be great

Neil-

Yes. This is typical because she feels guilt. My W feels the same thing. Sometimes, when I'm thinking about it (OK, fine, I think about it all the time), I know that the guilt right now is all that holds her from serving me papers.

Our W's feel like there is no chance they will change how they feel, or that things can be good. It really sucks for you and I because I am lacking in self confidence right now as well. Even little things drag us down.

Your W doesn't want to be married because the M sucks. Plain and simple, it is the source of a lot of her pain. We just have to figure out how to show them that it won't suck, if they give it a chance.

Believe me, I'm right there along with you when you get frustrated and lack patience. If you look at my post from today about my sitch, you'll see I'm running on empty right now.

[Neilh23]

yeah, i'll check it out later today..

You're right, it is frustrating.... i did the best i could with what i knew at the time during my M.....i know so much better now.

good point about M. it did suck for her. i'm beginning to realize how little my needs were met too. I just wouldn't have walked away. Does that make me a better person? no. forrest told me i just didn't know how to change it. Now i do. that's where my frustration lies and that's why,IMHO, many of us LBS want another chance......

smartcookie said something very poignant (ok, she does all the time, but still).... both her and her H were afraid to ask for what they wanted because they didn't think they deserved it... both my W and I were in the same boat

what i find really annoying...is how on certain email websites....they make divorce out to be all hunky dory and that it's ok. talk about the media myths...good grief.

[TwinDad]

Neil,

I think you are doing well and your starting to make an impact on your W. She is noticing the changes and is open to expressing some guilt about the current sitch. This may take a while, but at least you know she is thinking about your sitch. She probably had a lot of time to think without the kids.

Just remember she is likely to be very cautious about any step she takes toward you, so these little comments and opening up to you are not insigificant.

I agree with Forest, when you are ready, take advantage of those oppportunities to hang out as friends, I feel that will bring you closer together quicker than anything IMO. The important thing is, you have to ready for it. These will give you excellent opportunities for your W to see your DB in action and the new Neil.

Don't worry too much about the pity party. One of the loneliest weeks for me was when I had my kids for the first time since separating in my new place.

[Neilh23]

yeah...i know she's noticing...she's made several comments...and the dinner thing threw me for a loop a bit. i just didn't respond. My C and i actually talked about it (i had thought about asking her to stay for dinner that night anyways) and we agreed that it probably wasn't for the right reasons....

the difficult part is that when we first got together, she pursued me. I wonder if she wants me to pursue her......without seeming pathetic about it. LOL.

one thing i'm trying to figure out is how to tell her about some of my discoveries during therapy. Like i understand now where some of my behaviors came from......but i don't want ot seem like i'm making excuses or explaining away them....

its pretty evident now where they came from....watching my parents. You do what you know. It works for them. Didn't work in my sitch. obviously.

[upside_downer]

one thing i'm trying to figure out is how to tell her about some of my discoveries during therapy. Like i understand now where some of my behaviors came from......but i don't want ot seem like i'm making excuses or explaining away them....

I'm no expert, but I would forget about TELLING her about your discoveries, at least at this point. She isn't interested in HEARING about these great things you've unearthed. She needs to SEE changes.

And.....it's not about you. It's about her. Trust me, I get mad at myself when I really think back to conversations and how much they seem to revolve around me and my feelings. Don't make the same mistakes I've made in that respect. She will only withdraw more if after a short period of time, you start selling something to her she isn't ready to buy.