"I read a little of what I wrote or said 9 months ago...I could not read the whole thing...what horsey...I sounded so pathetic. We are stronger and better than that ... let the hurt go and see what happens...keep yourself busy and enjoy being you."
I've gone back and read things I thought were so insightful only to groan in dismay. Other times I'm amazed. I either feel great about the growth I've had.. or read in wonder where those words of wisdom came from.
The more I do, the more I see.. that being busy, productive is the way to be.
Thanks for chiming in! My woeful inward whining is slowly winding down. Sometimes life is unfair and unjust. Talk to anyone in New Orleans, anyone who's been in a tsunami, earthquake or natural disaster. They were minding their own business.. and oops... something terrible happens.
As much as all this sucks the big Hoover in the sky.. in the end I will have those I love most in the world and those who love me in my life. If I am dedicated and vigilant, I will be better than I have ever been in my life.
I have lived a life of surviving and settling. I've been the poster child for codependence (the act of doing the right things for the wrong reasons which accomplish a negative outcome). All I know is.. I don't want to be lost like this again. That any partnership I enter will be on equal footing. That when I feel myself slipping all over the place.. I face it. When I get scared.. I face that. When I get tired.. or looping... I take the time to rest.
The best person to take care of is me... in all the right ways.
Man.. even though we left before the big rush, the two hour drive took four hours. My daughter slept through most of it. When I found my mind wandering too much on spouse, I'd change the tape. This whole letting go process is quite time consuming.
Now, I'm just tired.
My daughter and her friend hung out together, had a sleepover here. We'll see how it goes the next time her friend feels a conflict of interest between my daughter and her beau.
Oh yes.. a lightbulb moment about why I wigged out on the 'share joy' phrase!
Imagine two people, Patty and Rick, sitting on a park bench sharing a lunch. It's a beautiful day, a magnificent tree provides shade and all is good.
Patty happens to look down and sees a spider on the bench and thinks nothing of it. Rick is smiling, follows Patty's eyes and sees this enormous hairy spider coming straight at him. Rick's adrenaline kicks in as he jumps up, slapping his hands all over his head and body as he zigzags a good distance away bellowing like no tomorrow.
Ya see.. the spider, was the comment.. no biggie to most people, like Patty. However, when Rick saw the spider.. it just wasn't something that was tiny and easily squashed, that does a good eating insects. It was something scary, spooky and frightening to the core. Rick's reaction isn't the spider's fault or Patty's... it's just something Rick has trouble with.
I was just talking to my 18 year old who asked me about the BBQ.. if his dad had been 'down' with it.. if anyone had told him about it. I said that my daughter had mentioned it to their dad but that I didn't know anything else. I told my son that everyone asked about him (my son) and missed him not being there.. that is was just family and weird not having lots of kids running around.
He knows that my focus is to keep him, his brother or sister out of being in the middle. My son said how he'd talked to his dad earlier on the phone and that he wouldn't have kept anything from his dad anyway (i.e., if his father wasn't supposed to know about the BBQ).
Somewhere in this small catch up conversation, it hit me.. again.. that my life as I know it is ending. That my husband is not here, has not been engaged in our relationship, is GONE, living with another woman, is divorcing me.
I really don't know why it always shocks me so much. Tears, anger well up. I don't know what to do. I pick up my cellphone, try and find a place where I can talk without the kids hearing andn wonder who to call. I dial.. then check the time, realizing it's always late anywhere I'm calling.
Tonight I tried.. left voice messages that were generic. It occurred to me that I have a choice in how I react. Will I always feel the need to fall apart whenever this thought/reality hits too close? Why do I always feel alone? Why does everything that seems so safe.. like our house.. start to feel like a sham?
That's when I figure.. do something physical (but talk myself out of it because it's so late).. so I write. I hope that I recognize the trigger of feeling desolation for what it is... just another trick my anxiety does.. to take my greatest fear out, smear it with enough bait to make it seem true and then pull me into my own cesspool of terror.
I remind myself... behave, Kathleen.. you have lots of good.. and your walking through a swamp that has all the ick a swamp is known for with a few landmines thrown in for good measure.
Holy crap... all the stuff that's gone on in the past 5 months since the bomb.. just keeps shaking up whatever 'hide in the sand', status quo life I've known..
Sheesh.. I must be awful slow in learning things if I have to be hit with so much shitake to change. Ugh.
It makes me wonder .. what in the heck does stubborn get me?
Glad the BBQ was a nice time, I know you were a bit nervous at how everyone would treat you. At least his family knows how to be civil and respectful.
You know, our lives as we know it is ALWAYS ending. Even when things are good. I think that was my problem -- things were evolving but I was on cruise control. And so when things changed beyond repair, it caught me by surprise and it was too late. But even had things worked out, the life we knew was still over. We just weren't aware of it enough to evolve ourselves and our R/M to keep it together. Who know what the future holds? Even in a "stable" R, there is no guarantee.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
I think that was my problem -- things were evolving but I was on cruise control. And so when things changed beyond repair, it caught me by surprise and it was too late.
yes, we are definately twins..this is me...exactly..
