I was just talking to my 18 year old who asked me about the BBQ.. if his dad had been 'down' with it.. if anyone had told him about it. I said that my daughter had mentioned it to their dad but that I didn't know anything else. I told my son that everyone asked about him (my son) and missed him not being there.. that is was just family and weird not having lots of kids running around.
He knows that my focus is to keep him, his brother or sister out of being in the middle. My son said how he'd talked to his dad earlier on the phone and that he wouldn't have kept anything from his dad anyway (i.e., if his father wasn't supposed to know about the BBQ).
Somewhere in this small catch up conversation, it hit me.. again.. that my life as I know it is ending. That my husband is not here, has not been engaged in our relationship, is GONE, living with another woman, is divorcing me.
I really don't know why it always shocks me so much. Tears, anger well up. I don't know what to do. I pick up my cellphone, try and find a place where I can talk without the kids hearing andn wonder who to call. I dial.. then check the time, realizing it's always late anywhere I'm calling.
Tonight I tried.. left voice messages that were generic. It occurred to me that I have a choice in how I react. Will I always feel the need to fall apart whenever this thought/reality hits too close? Why do I always feel alone? Why does everything that seems so safe.. like our house.. start to feel like a sham?
That's when I figure.. do something physical (but talk myself out of it because it's so late).. so I write. I hope that I recognize the trigger of feeling desolation for what it is... just another trick my anxiety does.. to take my greatest fear out, smear it with enough bait to make it seem true and then pull me into my own cesspool of terror.
I remind myself... behave, Kathleen.. you have lots of good.. and your walking through a swamp that has all the ick a swamp is known for with a few landmines thrown in for good measure.
Holy crap... all the stuff that's gone on in the past 5 months since the bomb.. just keeps shaking up whatever 'hide in the sand', status quo life I've known..
Sheesh.. I must be awful slow in learning things if I have to be hit with so much shitake to change. Ugh.
It makes me wonder .. what in the heck does stubborn get me?
