I'm in a similar spot right now with H. He has to do his midweek visits at the house due to logitics with how far away he is staying right now, his work schedule, or D's bedtimes etc. I feel like our "separation" isn't separate enough to really have an impact on him missing us. Like your H, he sees the girls a TON (which I'm happy for on one hand) but I still don't think he has a clue of what it is really going to be like.
I do think you would look a bit hypocritical after calling him for help, to then say he isn't welcome at the house unless it's just to pick up the D's. Hard one, but maybe give it a couple of weeks to let this recent time of asking for help pass. Just curious, why do you want to state that? Is it like my situation, where you want him to have that space, do you really not WANT to see him, is he REALLY infringing on planned times, is it punishement? Just really curious of what your intentions are behind it?
Chris
Chris, There are several reasons why I want to limit H's time at the house. 1. H states he wants a D but is making no move towards that. He expects me to live in this state of limbo forever. 2. We haven't had a true seperation where he has lived like it will be when we get the D. Like you said, he has no idea what it will really be like. 3. The Ds are living with a false sense of security. They think since he hasn't moved his things out, comes by daily, etc., that we will be getting back together. 4. I need some space myself....I need him out of my life for awhile. I am at a point where I am questioning a lot of things myself in regards to our R. If I didn't have to see him so much, I think it would help me figure things out. 5. No intention of punishing him. I have left my house every Tues. and Thursday and everyother weekend for the last 8 months so he could have time alone with the Ds.
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
Sounds very reasonable then. I'd probably just make a point not to ask for favors then. If he offers to help with stuff, then yeah, but if you tell him you need space, just make sure you don't send conflicting signals. It totally makes sense to me. I wish I was strong enough to do it myself. But I'm still pathetic and look forward to seeing him the brief time he is here.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I'm doing good Lola. I did have some feelings of doom yesterday when thinking about the meeting today with the Ds' T. When I came down the stairs this morning I saw H's car driving past the house. I thought that was weird, but then when I got in the kitchen I saw he had dropped of something that D15 left in his car. What bugs me about it is that again he stopped by with no call or any forewarning. Does he think that will happen after the D? We were all still in bed so he had no contact with us.
I have to send him a reminder about the T appt. this morning. I am betting that he has completely forgotten about going today.
I need to get out and do some work in the front yard today. The grass needs cut and the bushes trimmed. Not my idea of fun, but I know H won't be doing it. At least he noticed the last two times I cut the grass.
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
(((Red))) Maybe it is time to set some limits...some boundaries. No unexpected visits. He needs to call first. If he is not living in the house, relinquish house keys.
Sometimes it is taking control of the little things that help. Although we cannot control anyone else, or the situation at hand, there are still small things we can control, and that is okay, and it helps tremendously.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Thinking of you red. Let us know how it goes meeting with the T....
Thanks BBJ. I'm not expecting anything other than the session to be a waste of time. I sent H a text this morning to remind him about the session. He responded that he thought it was tonight at 7. Told him 3 was the latest I could get. H said he would be there. He called later in the morning to ask me about it. H thought that the session was just for him. I said we are both going and said he agreed to go together a month ago. SO I don't know WTF he thinks is the reason/purpose of the session. What a DAM!
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
Basically the T session was an hour of hE11. The T started by asking H what has been going on since we haven't talked to her in 1 1/2 months. H said nothing has changed, he is still done and still wants a D. I agreed that nothing has changed, but he hasn't done anything to move towards a D. H said he wants to tell the Ds before he files. However, he didn't seem to be in any hurry to tell them. H thought we should ease them into it. The T and I both agreed that they have been hurt enough and there will be no easing them into to.
H said he has been bouncing from place to place. H has been waiting for a friend of his to move so he can move into his house. I said if he had his own place that would help the Ds deal with things. H basically blamed me for him not having a place. He said I have the Ds worried about money and that is why he hasn't gotten a place. He agreed that he will find a place instead of waiting for his friend to move.
H still insists that he tried working on the R in the past and wanted professional help. He said I refused(I don't remember that) and that it is too late now. He won't forgive me because he says there is nothing to forgive. Basically he says we haven't been happy in a long time and there is nothing to be done about it now.
H still refuses to acknowledge that his EAs in the past and now are anything more than friendships. He also tried to say they I talk to my friends at work in a day as much as he talks to his friends. I said no, I don't talk to them for hours on end. Oh, and he was very pissed off that I dared to try calling them in the past.
I pointed out that H wants a divorce but he continues to drag this out. I said he seems to want me to live my life in limbo. The T asked H if he has seen a lawyer yet and he said no. Then she turned and asked me to which I said I have seen one. I was looking at her so I didn't get to see H's reaction. She asked how that went and I said he told me basically the same things that my friends and T have been telling me. I said that I will probably have to be the one to file.
The T doesn't think at this point we are capable of telling the Ds about the D without saying mean things about each other. I said my biggest problem is though I realize we will be getting a D, I don't agree with the reason. H wants one because he is done and doesn't have the balls to work for love. I want one because I am not willing to live this crappy life the rest of my life.
The T wanted to see us back in a week or two. H said two will be better.
I did make it known that the Ds are not dealing with this well. I brought up that H is still not talking to them and they are afraid to talk to him. I also brought up how they felt guilty about having fun on vacation without him. I told the T and H that the Ds seem to think that H moved out because I forced him to. Hopefully H listened to me and he will start to get a clue.
One surprising thing is that H actually shed a tear.
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
