Where is the real me? What do I want?

[Purple]

[quote=sofaraway
Be firm, be concise, do not allow him to take control of the conversation. Just tell him this is what it is, deal with it.


Ian

[/quote]
Yeah well. He called me at 6pm last night and started off the conversation with "What's your problem?". It went down hill from there.

Major points are (because I can't remember the stream of conversation/argument.). They are not necessarily in order so please forgive the disjointedness:

Him: It's my house, I will come and go as I please. If you don't want me there, I have said before - you buy me out.

Me: I just want you to respect my space.

Him: What's the problem with me coming around? I can't come to my own house? Me: I'm not saying you can't come around, I just want to know when you are coming. Him: What have you got to hide? Me: NOTHING! It's just about respect for my living space. I would not come to your place without asking first, and even if I had a key, i would not go there when you were not there. Him: The difference is purple, that that is MY apartment, not yours. The house is MY house too. Me: Yes, but this is MY living space. You may own the house, but you do not LIVE here any more.

Him: No Purple. (saying other things that indicate he will not back down on this) Are we clear? (at this point I don't know what to do other than capitulate - if I persist in pushing this it will make everything worse. He does not understand where I am coming from.)

Other things that got said...(again, they are not in order)

Him: I don't do email.

Him: You say you are shutting me out completely. So I back off to give you space and I get into the sh1t for backing off.

Him: why couldn't you call me and tell me. I wouldn't have gotten heated up if you had have had the guts to call instead of email.

Him: I'm sorry that I can't sound all up-beat when you call. You say you are shutting me out completely, how am I supposed to act?

Him: You're running away again. Nothing will get solved unless you talk about it.

Him: You are emotionally unavailable.

Me: I'm scared to tell you how I feel. It gets thrown back in my face either in that conversation or a couple of days later.

Me: Are you saying that if I had have rung and asked you about the house you would have been okay with it? Him: Yes. Me: ??

Me: I don't feel safe sharing stuff with you.

Me: I don't FEEL SAFE!!!

Me: You want me to tell you how I feel? (so i did...I ripped into him about sleeping with other women, about crying to me that his ex g/f went back to her husband, threatening me with a golf club, everything that I could think of that I was upset about at the time.) he didn't really reply...at least, not that I can remember.

Him: [some sort of guilt tripping comment]. Me: (testing out his demand for me to say what I feel instead of holding it in) Cut out the passive aggressive crap. I hate it when you do that. (said in a pretty angry tone). He was quiet after that.

Him: I'm outside now. What do you want to do (about dinner).

Me: I want you to come in, hug me and tell me we'll try to work it out.
I had to ask him three times to do it, but he did.

then I got myself sorted out. Got ready for dinner. He did d7's hair and told her she looked very nice. d7 and I gave him his present (two CDs). He seemed to like them and played one of them in the car on the way to dinner. Dinner went well though he ate too much and got a stomach ache on the way home. He fell asleep on the couch (his tummy was majorly bothering him). I watched a DVD whilst on the couch with him, then I went to bed at about 11.30pm. I covered him up with my dressing gowns and went to bed. He got up and left at about 4am, I woke up as he was going out the door. He starts work at about 5.30am/6.

I rang later on and left a birthday message. d7 also rang him.

He rang me later and talked very briefly. We have our second mediation appointment today.

ugh...I'm knackered. What a way to start the week.

[Purple]

Thanks Lodo. Nice to meet you. I've seen you round the place.

I'm prepared for Phil's backlash. I have been following his thread for some time now so I expect that he is being sarcastic. I just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. If he can possibly reach out, well adn good. If he can't...sod him.

I seriously meant (at least, at the time) what I said about posting to him as if he were my h. It would probably end up being not a mature thing to do, but he is being an a$$.

thanks for checking in on me. I'm back in the spin cycle of the washing machine.

[Virtually_Handsome]

Hey Purple!

There is no way your H didn't understand you not wanting him to come into the house without telling you. He is trying to hang on to what control he has.

He says he doesn't do email. Why can't he learn? You could try to call instead. How does it work when you do that? He wants to blame everything on you. Not surprising, but pretty frustrating.

I don't think I'll post to Phil again, or even read his thread. I have a hard enough time keeping up with people that want to listen!

[lodo]

thanks for checking in on me. I'm back in the spin cycle of the washing machine.

And you also quote goethe.

sorry you've found yourself where you are. Reading your post made me feel tired.

I don't know if you're looking for advice and I don't know how good mine is, so I won't offer any. But know that people appreciate the space you're in and what you're sorting through and trying to work out. Hang in there. Take care of yourself.

lodo

[Astimegoeson]

I seriously meant (at least, at the time) what I said about posting to him as if he were my h. It would probably end up being not a mature thing to do, but he is being an a$$.

Let it go. There are probably more constructive things you could do right now than to try and reason with Phil. Things like poking a hot stick in your eye or beating your head against a wall come to mind.

You need to concentrate on your situation. Your struggling for answers yourself. Focus on you for now.

[Purple]

Yup...fair enough RE the lovely Phil, atgo and lodo and Jeff.

You're right....I've got enough on my plate. No sense in distracting myself from my own sitch by getting involved in someone elses. Gee how many times have I done that in my life? - Small lightbulb....

[stella_k]

Hi, Purple.

I'm sorry if I confused you and gave you wrong advice yesterday.
I was just thinking of a way to turn off emotional tension before meeting with H for BDay dinner.

I hope you feel better today.

(((((((HUG)))))))

[Purple]

Hi, Purple.

I'm sorry if I confused you and gave you wrong advice yesterday.
I was just thinking of a way to turn off emotional tension before meeting with H for BDay dinner.

I hope you feel better today.

(((((((HUG)))))))

Nah,...it's all fine Stella. I didn't even get a chance to try and laugh it off. From the time I picked up the phone I was thinking "positive positive, think of a funny alternative" - just couldn't do it.

[Bridgestone]

Hi purple..
how did mediation go?

good idea to focus on you and not "lost" individuals

((((hugs)))

[Purple]

Mediation went okay. Draining. I had to take a break while we were talking about property settlement. He is not trying to screw me over, in fact he suggested an arrangement that was a little bit better for me than him. He does care....just has a DAM way of showing it.

Maybe it's me that doesn't love him enough. I need to concentrate on me instead of obsessing with what he says and does when we disagree. Disagreeing with him just doesn't work for me. I don't know how to do it. I can't detach. I'm still enmeshed. i want him to address the issues that have happened and show me he understands the effect his actions and words have had. I don't want romance at this point, I want empathy.

I feel like I'm just not getting what he's tryhing to say. I jsut want the hurt to stop. I want to love my husband, but I don't feel (emotionally) safe with him. Is it something I have fashioned myself? I think it is...I made the monster. I'm not making sense. I'm tired.