Saturday my daughter, niece and I went to the family BBQ of spouse's family. Spouse is away on a trip, something I didn't realize when I was invited.
The most amazing thing was what I didn't feel. I did not feel uncomfortable. I felt relaxed, at ease. In the past, I've drunk wine to keep up with them, to get through the visit. What the heck? It seemed like for years I've been a 'mike reverb'.. you know that feedback sound a microphone makes? Before I was so aware of spouse, what his mood (usually negative) was toward any family member, knowing he was watching and critically judging what I ate, what I drank that I was always anxious. Everything overlapped everything, I was always on sensory overload.
Last night which could have been stilted and nerve wracking, wasn't. Granted no one talked or mentioned spouse or anything divorce oriented. It was very nice. At the end of the night, I thanked my sis in law for inviting me, keeping me part of the family. She said I'd been part of the family for 25 years and that wouldn't change.
I decided to continue up to my other sis in law's house. The girls (my niece and daughter) had been getting along well, no one was drunk, things seemed calm so I figured it would be a GAL thing to do. We had a pleasant chat in the evening. When she talked about the Florida vacation I wasn't at.. I said I'd rather not hear about it. In the morning my sis in law and I talked quietly some more. It was mostly about her concern about spouse's role as a father.. or lack thereof.
I don't think she quite understood what I meant when I said I was done trying to fix the relationship between the dad and my kids. I was there as their mother. That I was relieved that where he lived, who he was with was no longer a secret to his children. My role now is to be the mom, to listen, to encourage a healthy relationship with their dad.
It was a very nice time. In the back of my mind, I know that once they aren't mad at him for his behavior (like not seeming to care about the kids) then the 'blood is thicker than water' dynamic might come back into play. As long as the interactions are healthy and non-dramatic I'll keep going. Once it starts getting toxic.. I'm out.
I don't need drama... I'd rather have love... life..
