Too late for DB for us, #9 (was in separated)

[cw68]

Lonely again. The kids are with H and will be until tomorrow night because they have camp tomorrow. I'm only going to spend less and less time with them and that thought is killing me.

I have stayed home with them since they were born. Soon they will be away from me 50% of the time and I'll be working, so I won't have every afternoon with them after school. This is the last summer we get to hang out with each other everyday, playing, going swimming, driving each other crazy. I have five more weeks and that's it. This is a summer I won't ever forget. It's making me so sad.

Another thing that is making me so sad is that I realized H has changed my morals and ethics. I don't want him back, I really don't. For a long time I've known that he wasn't coming back, but it's been in the past few days that I've come to realize that too much damage has been done and it couldn't ever be repaired. (Especially since H really hasn't ever wanted to fix it.) So now I find myself in the position of not wanting to be married to my H, to my kids' father. It's so sad.

This man that I've been with for ten years has changed so much. He's not a good person. He lies and disrespects. He hurts people and hides from reality. And he doesn't love me anymore, instead, he hurts me. And I'm stuck with him forever because of the kids. I wish I could just run and hide from him, cut him out of my life, but I can't. He has hurt me more than anyone can by ruining our marriage and taking my kids away from me. I don't know how I'll ever get past the anger I hold inside of me. I don't know how I'll ever come to terms with it. And this is all brand new for me. I've turned into a different person. He's done that to me and I hate it.