Well, as our therapist says, "Of course you feel this way. You have to. If you thought that you were ruining your kids' lives, there's no way you could do what you're doing." It's a survival technique.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
CW, I wish you lived near me! I have also been struggling with loneliness, which I agree is different from alone time that's wanted. I can feel lonely even in the presence of other people--though, in general, I find it's better to have as much non-alone time right now as possible.
And your D7 and mine would probably get along. We are in Boston this weekend visiting my cousin. We were in the car yesterday and my cousin was asking me about H's plans (not aware that Ds hear everything). H has a three month furnished sublet right now and my cousin said "And what's the plan after that?"
D7 chimed in: "He'll probably move back with us. Three months should be enough time for him to find himself."
I don't know where she heard the "find himself" concept, but it was very funny.
Anyway, as always--I am living something of a parallel life, if that's any comfort.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
Lonely again. The kids are with H and will be until tomorrow night because they have camp tomorrow. I'm only going to spend less and less time with them and that thought is killing me.
I have stayed home with them since they were born. Soon they will be away from me 50% of the time and I'll be working, so I won't have every afternoon with them after school. This is the last summer we get to hang out with each other everyday, playing, going swimming, driving each other crazy. I have five more weeks and that's it. This is a summer I won't ever forget. It's making me so sad.
Another thing that is making me so sad is that I realized H has changed my morals and ethics. I don't want him back, I really don't. For a long time I've known that he wasn't coming back, but it's been in the past few days that I've come to realize that too much damage has been done and it couldn't ever be repaired. (Especially since H really hasn't ever wanted to fix it.) So now I find myself in the position of not wanting to be married to my H, to my kids' father. It's so sad.
This man that I've been with for ten years has changed so much. He's not a good person. He lies and disrespects. He hurts people and hides from reality. And he doesn't love me anymore, instead, he hurts me. And I'm stuck with him forever because of the kids. I wish I could just run and hide from him, cut him out of my life, but I can't. He has hurt me more than anyone can by ruining our marriage and taking my kids away from me. I don't know how I'll ever get past the anger I hold inside of me. I don't know how I'll ever come to terms with it. And this is all brand new for me. I've turned into a different person. He's done that to me and I hate it.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
I really do think it will get better. I think you will find your old self again. It will take time, to learn to trust your judgment, and other people again. But, you are a good person. I think you'll find it!
I am at work, checking on you early in the morning, Tuesday 8th. Your last post made me sad. It describes the exact way I feel from time to time.
He has hurt me so much and has taken away from me the "faith" and the "dream". But, luckily there is a but here, what you & I feel and express has another side. The bright side. OK, maybe not so bright at the moment, but we will get there. Next solid realtionship we will have, will be awsome. Your time with your kids will be enough, you will make it enough, your personal view about life will be again clear and "not-confused". It needs some time.
I am nowhere close to where you are in some ways and just where you are in others. I can feel too the overwhelming feeilng you have, but it will pass. I trust the unknown will not be as bad as it seems to us. Actually I am pretty sure it will be very close to what we dreamed of, you see, we are "aware" now. Stay strong my friend K
There are a lot of things in my life that bring me hope and happiness. I am turning the corner and starting to change direction. I am starting to shed some of the things that were weighing me down. This is my reality and I must deal with it. The past year has been so hard, has taken up so much of my energy, my heart and it has to end. It ends with us. Now me begins yet again.
I will miss being with my kids. That will never change and I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive my H for what he's doing to us in that respect. But that doesn't matter. I don't have to forgive my stbx. I don't have to like him, I don't have to be proud of him. I just have to get along with him and learn to be great, albeit separate, parents. This is going to take a long time and I have a lot of anger that I have to plow through.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
This man that I've been with for ten years has changed so much.
Quote:
He's not a good person. He lies and disrespects. He hurts people and hides from reality. And he doesn't love me anymore, instead, he hurts me. And I'm stuck with him forever because of the kids. I wish I could just run and hide from him, cut him out of my life, but I can't. He has hurt me more than anyone can by ruining our marriage and taking my kids away from me. I don't know how I'll ever get past the anger I hold inside of me. I don't know how I'll ever come to terms with it. And this is all brand new for me. I've turned into a different person. He's done that to me and I hate it.
Oh Sweetie,
You will be surprised at how your feelings will change. That's not to say that you'll NEVER get angry, but anger towards him will certainly take up less space. I guess that what we are left with is more indifference. I have my moments as well, but now I have too many other things in my life to focus on than an ex who can sometimes be a clueless butthead.
Let's face it, we have kids with them so there will always be things that come up from time to time, but the difference is that instead of eating at you you will think about it and think, WHATEVER! It just takes us time to get to that place......
