Officially Here Now

[7 Year Itch]

So talking to myself again. If anyone should pop by please read through my last week of posts. I have several questions mixed in there!

So out of the blue my 22 year old nephew called to tell me he is in town (on a road trip) with this friends. So he is going to come by for a couple hours in the morning to see me and the girls. I called H to let him know. He's been in my nephews life since he was 10. We used to take him camping with us when he was little, did a lot with him. H was like a surrogate father figure to him alot as he struggled a bit in childhood. Anyway, I called and asked if he could pick the girls up a bit later due to my nephew coming by. I then said if you'd like to see him, you are welcome to come by (we haven't seen him since he moved out of state 2 years ago). To which he said "no, I think it would just be too akward for everyone. I'll come of the girls later".

I know it would be awkward but at the same time, I don't know how not only he can just give up me, and our family, but the extended family too. Now granted, there is a lot of Jerry Springer type of drama on my side of the family (I'm the most normal one. Ha ha).... so I'm sure his loss isn't as great as mine. But to just not have any interested in seeing his nephew?

I grieve not only the loss of my family, and my husband but the loss of that entire side of my family. They've been my family for 12 years.

Oh yeah, forgot to mention, H informed me he is going back to NY to visit the week D6 goes back to school. He didn't check dates, so he will miss her first day back. We've always taken her together that first day, so this will be the first one he misses.

Everyday it seems something new pops up to rub salt in my wounds. It can be something slight, but everything without my H feels just magnified

I wish I could GAL, and LRT to the hilt. I'm still failing, and going to lost my marriage for SURE if I don't get on this. I get the principals, I read the books, I read the success stories on here. Yet in his presence and even over the phone, all I can seem to do is cry and beg. I'm an idiot.

Chris

[redsawks44]

OK, I must be boring everyone to death. Beware, probably another novel coming......

So here is where my stupid snooping is going to kick me in the butt. Can't remember if I told you all here ,but I figured out H's email password. I'm ashamed to admit. In 12 years together, I have NEVER snooped on anything with H before the last 3 months. And while I've found no evidence of affair or anything, now that I know it I can't seem to stop checking every so often.

So anyway, today I see that H bought some tickets (had a receipt) so I click on it and it's for High School Musical (the touring Broadway production). It's in a few weeks, and he bought 3 tickets. He just bought them this morning. I have no idea what to think. Are they for him, D6 (she loves this movie so I know this is all for her obviously) and me, or him, D6 and one of her friends or what? He hasn't wanted to do ANYTHING all together since he moved out, and just the other day when I suggested something for us all to do, he said no, he didn't want to confuse the girls.

So I can't imagine he is including me (of course I secretly hope he is. I'd love to see D6's eyes light up, and go with them)but if not, then who is that 3rd ticket for? God, I hate this. The man I have trusted with EVERYTHING for the last 12 years, now I find myself sneaking around, trying to figure him out around every turn. With my guard up (as much as it can be). This is just no way to live. Anyway, the tickets are for the end of July, so I guess I'll know soon enough

Got D2's ultrasound lined up today (hospital called fast). So we have that next Thursday.

Nothing big planned tomorrow. H was supposed to come tonight, but he ended up being sick at work all day today (now has what the girls had this past weekend) so he went home. He has to work tomorrow night, so he may come by during the day tomorrow to see the girls a bit before he has to work, but depends on how he is feeling. I felt so bad to know he was hurting so much. He NEVER gets sick to the point that it takes him down, and I could hear it on the phone today both times we spoke. I was wishing he would have been here so I could've cooked him a nice meal, put him in bed and just taken care of him.

I feel like I neglected him so much in the last 2 years with my depression and everything I was going through with my family, and I so wish I could have a chance to just nurture him. How do you do that separated and getting ready to divorce?

Can all the DBing in the world have ANY chance if the person you want is still not in a place of forgiveness?

Chris

I am a snoop as well,plus a former IT professional and I admit to checking W's email too... not a good thing because i find out things i don't want to know..like who she has told that she is D'ing me etc... horrors if i ever see something from someone i don't know (if you know what i mean)

Unfortunately i am not one to give you advice.. i am too new at this and just starting to get good at it.. but i will be forever indebted if things pan out ...

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((Chris))))))

It is all about him right now. He can't see past the nose on his face, if he can see that far. If it doesn't make HIM feel good, he isn't going to do it. Seeing the nephew, D's first day of school, it doesn't matter. His brain can't even see how those things fit in.

I'll read your posts later, and see if I can answer any of your questions!

[7 Year Itch]

OK, progress. Well, for me anyway.

I got through a day with NO R talk. Yes, me, can you believe it?

I made a point to be in a cute little skirt, tight t shirt, curled my hair, had perfume on and everything. I looked good! So he came to get the girls, and offered to help me find a leak in our pool. He did, then he offered to patch it. I was standing out there with him while he was checking the seal. He was pushing it into the water to see if any bubbles came out, and then he turned to me and playfully flicked the water on his hand at my face. (I had sprayed him with the hose when I was filling the pool the last time he was out a few nights ago. I think this was payback). Anyway, I laughed and told him he better watch out or I'd get the hose again.

Then into the house. He asked if I wanted him to put the window air conditioning units in the girls rooms since it had been mega hot lately. I said, sure that would be great. So he worked on that. All that time I made a point to do my own thing, eat lunch, not be around him.

In the 45 minutes or so he was here, I saw him check me out like 4 times! I SOOOOOOOOOOOOO wanted to call him on it since he says he is NOT attracted to me. Does he think that I don't know him at all after 12 years? I completely caught him several times. I just tried to smile internally and keep my eye on the ball.

No comments, no acknowledgement of seeing him do it. I did SOOOOO well. So then he asked if I had any mail for him. I told him I hadn't checked mail in a couple days so he might want to check on the way out (we have a mail center for our development). I told him just to leave what was mine and I'd get it later.

So I got through helping the girls into their car seats. Kissed them goodbye. Waved and looked happy. Then they left. I immediately came in and broke down (I hate seeing them all pull away). Next thing I know the kitchen door opens and it's him with my mail. DAMMIT! So he caught me crying, but I just quickly pulled it together and said "thanks, you didn't have to bring that back".

So I almost made it scott free. I didn't expect him to come back.

Anyway. So there were a few pluses in there. But the sad thing is, is that for other people these would be huge, but we've had these fun moments all along. WE've been having sex. So I don't think I can make much out of today unfortunately.

Oh well. At least I held myself together. I'll see my girls tomorrow morning and church so I'm thankful for that. He doesn't go, but he agreed to bringing them there since they love it, and we agreed to raise them in that church. So I'll see them briefly tomorrow, then he takes them again until Monday.

MAN this sucks. Just sucks.

Chris

[7 Year Itch]

Not doing well. The girls are on a 2 day overnight visit this weekend with H. God, I miss them. I've tried to fill much of my time with friends, errands, home projects etc... but seems the nights are the worst. I should be cooking and feeding my family right now. But nope, I sit here on the computer, contemplating a bowl of cereal. I hate this.

H brought the girls to church this morning. He doesn't go, but me and the girls have for 2 years now, and he knows it's important to me, so I got to see them briefly there.

I did bring up the High School Musical show, telling him I wanted to get tickets to take D6 (remember my email I found where he bought 3 tickets, for anyone reading?). Anyway, he told me he had already planned to take her and had 3 tickets. But I could have them, if I really wanted to take her. I asked him who the 3 tickets were for, and he said he didn't know if d2 would be able to go (um, a two year old at a broadway type 3 hour show? No) or for D6 to bring a friend.

So answer given. Of course it wasn't for me, him and D6 like I had hoped. I'm so sad.

Hoping I can muster up another strong interaction tomorrow of no R talk. Don't know really if anything will have an affect on him. I feel like he is a tougher "nut to crack" then so many on here. He just reacts to NOTHING, and has NEVER given me even an ounce of hope. But hey, I guess we all feel that way right?

Chris

[mishka422]

Chris,

I just finally got caught up on your sitch of the last week.

You sound exactly like me a few months ago. It stinks to feel like you have no worth to the one person you love with all your heart. I understand far too well. Be glad that there is no OW, trust me, that is MUCH worse. To know you were dumped for some cow is NOT good for the self image either.

Keep doing things for yourself that you enjoy. Read trashy romance novels, watch silly movies that your H didn't like, eat ice cream for dinner. Get your girlfriends to go out to a movie with you.

We 37 year old wives of cops have to stick together!

[newnamenewlife]

I've tried to fill much of my time with friends, errands, home projects etc... but seems the nights are the worst. I should be cooking and feeding my family right now. But nope, I sit here on the computer, contemplating a bowl of cereal. I hate this.

This is me too, exactly. Hate to cook for myself. On my alone nights, I've had trail mix and a glass of wine for dinner--how pathetic is that??

[7 Year Itch]

Well, DB failure on day 2. But I was shellshocked. I just got a VERY upset sobbing crying call from D6, saying she doesn't like it there, she misses her snowbear, and wants to be here with me in her own bed. She was sobbing, begging to come home. H is staying an hour and 15 minutes away, and it's already WAY after her bedtime so he wasn't going to bring her home. I spent 20 minutes getting her calmed down. HE got on the phone and said it had been a rough night and I totally lost it and sobbed and begged him "don't do this Chris. They shouldn't be going through this". Then I Hung up.

I know, bad. But I was in the moment, angry and sad at the same time. I'm just so damn mad. They don't deserve this. WE should be going through this emotional hell, we should be doing the work. But know, as he puts it "kids are resilient" and they will be fine. So once again, it's ALL ABOUT HIM.

I'm so beyond upset right now. I have no idea how I'm going to hold it together tomorrow when he brings them home. How can they do this to THEM without giving it a real effort? OUr 12 years was worth ONE counseling session. Then it's been the same since then. "I'm done, I know I'm done, it won't change".

I'm so sick of hearing that. God I love him, and our problems are SO solvable compared to what some are dealing with. How did I end up with someone with such a LACK of commitment to his family? I don't know this man. He's changed. Perhaps I don't want to be with this man anymore.

Chris

[mishka422]

Chris,

That had to be terrible for you to hear your baby sobbing and wanting to come home and knowing that you can't just go down the street and get her.

Your H is being completely selfish. All of these WAS's are. They don't want to think about what their actions are doing to their families because then they might have to rethink their decisions. They don't want to do that because what they decided is final (in their sick minds). Why rethink something you have no intentions of changing.

My H does the same thing. I have decided that he can have what he wants. I don't want him back. He's sick and twisted and I can't have that in my life.

You are in a much stranger place that I am. Your H is so far away and your kids are so young. Was this sleepover idea his or yours? I'm curious, what made you agree to it? It's not as if you're D'd and this would be part of a custody agreement.

Just trying to figure out how people come to these decisions.

You make sure that you are doing nice things for yourself Chris. Eat ice cream and listen to your favorite music really loud. That always cheers me up!

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((Chris))))))

Ice cream and music! Not a bad plan. The tiny little silver lining might be that you H will see how this impacts your D close up, and will at least think. But, as you found out, you can't force it.