Well, just as I said it would... the money call just came in so I cannot avoid this confrontation much longer. She's planning on taking the kids to an amusement park tomorrow, which is great since she has been severely neglecting them over the last couple of months.
She cannot go unless I give her money, SO, I have to go there today and the talk is pretty much going to happen tonight. Still not sure what to say. I mean this is basically it, I need to tell her that I cannot support her in any way other than my obligation to the kids.
- Scott
Last edited by Scott123; 07/06/0806:31 PM.
Original Thread Part 2 M-37 W-34 M 10 T 14 2 Ds 13
Well W texted me two more times about money, so I had to tell her that I was busy and would bring it over late tonight.
I'll try to get her alone and have a talk with her about some of the stuff I've been noticing especially about the kids and then just tell her I can no longer support her financially. It would be great if she broke down from the huge hole she has dug for herself and the reality of the situation, but I'm not counting on it.
I've been thinking about the next plan of action after this and I think I'm going to wait a week and then start working on the house again. My thoughts are that my wife is reaching out to this OM for emotional support and attention. I think it's time to start the competition. The DB process is all about testing so I'm thinking of testing the waters with the following:
Since we've been really distant the past 2 months I think a major 180 would be to be around as much as possible. I will act as if there is nothing wrong between us regardless of her moods. I'll toss in a highly positive mood at all times and include some flirting since my W is highly sexual and always responds favorably to that. These actions would be a complete 180 from the previous 2 months. I figure I'll romance her a bit, compliment her regardless of how her mood is.
Hopefully that will draw her interest and get her pursuing me a bit instead of this other dude.
I think I have an advantage because I have lots of reasons to be at our house. The kids, working on the house etc. It will be hard for her to avoid seeing me on a regular basis. I look pretty damn good now to, working out, etc. Plus she always gets turned on when I am doing physical work around the house, as she's specifically told me this many times.
I'm very aware that this would be a fine line in the pursuit department, but I will stay totally away from R talk and simply act like everything is fine between us. I cannot see her keeping an angry mood up when I'll be upbeat and pleasant at all times.
This should make her face reality into what she is throwing away as well. I'll keep that up for about two weeks then simply go dark for several days to see how she responds. No explanation, I'll just not go over for a few days and make no attempt to contact her.
- Scott
Original Thread Part 2 M-37 W-34 M 10 T 14 2 Ds 13
Do you mean delay working on the house? I cannot delay the money and talk tonight because they need the money for tomorrow morning so I have to go there actually in about an hour.
I want her to stew on what I tell her for the next week. I'll then start working on the house after she's had time to think about what I've said. I don't plan on contacting her after I talk to her tonight unless it has to do with the kids.
So tonight I'll drop the financial bomb on her and tell her how hurt I am and why. Not as an attack, just as a statement of my emotions and why I feel the way I do and why I have to cut her off. I'll tell her that I as well as her family are there to support her 100%, but she is the one who has to wake up to what she is doing and help herself. Then I'm dark for the next week, while she has all this to dwell on. I hope it causes a breakdown for her to reach out.
- Scott
Original Thread Part 2 M-37 W-34 M 10 T 14 2 Ds 13
I have been reading through your thread and I am impressed by your strength and the changes you have made!
I am concerned about your girls. Is ther any way that they could come stay with you after your talk with W? If not, is there a family member they can go to? I am concerned that you cutting off her finances is going to cause her to go completely over the edge before she crashes. I am worried about the fallout and the girls. I do believe you are on the right track with your plans, but since the kids are with her, I am afraid she will not be above using them to manipulate you. Gambling addiction is a very real disease and she is obviously deep into her addiction.
I am praying for God to strengthen you when you go to speak with her this evening and for him to protect you and your girls from the repercussions of your wife's addiction.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Scott, what makes you think your W will actually use the $$ to take the kids to the park?
If I were you, I would go pitch black, except for the kids, and do not give her any more cash. Pay whatever bills yourself and stop enabling her. Act as if her divorce idea is good for you too. Stop trying to woo her back right now. Also, I wouldn't send her a letter of any kind. Do not put anything in writing. Just watch it play out and let her crash and burn.
Also, please go for custody, or at the very least, shared custody of your kids. She is damaging them and it hurts my heart to read about how she treats them.
This may actually have the added bonus of making OM see how desperate she is. And all addicts are desperate.
P.S. I was just marveling at how your W can't be your friend, wants a D, rubs OM in your face, and then has no shame in pestering you for money all the time.
So I go over and she's out on the deck. She was civil at first and I told her I brought her some money over. I then sat down and told her we needed to talk about some things. I put my had on her back and said, do not take anything I am saying as an attack on you. I am really worried about you. She started getting annoyed and snapped "worried about what" and got up and moved to a chair opposite of me.
I then told her that I felt violated and extremely hurt by what she has been doing. I said, "you filed for support, you said you don;e even want to be my friend and you are out seeing some other guy. That really hurts and it's devastating to go through." She said it's what she wants. She was a total jerk and being spiteful and bringing up all kinds of crap from the past and trying to twist anything I said around back at me.
I told her she needed to wake up to the problems and she said she has not been gambling anymore and said she did not spend that much money, does not neglect the kids etc. Said the kids are treating her terrible because they have seen me in the past treat her terrible. So anything I said she basically turned around to being my fault. Some of the stuff she said was really hurtful.
I told her I could no longer support her financially in anyway. She then said "I can take you to court and get a whole lot more money if I wanted including alimony etc." I said "let me finish, I said I cannot support YOU financially anymore, but I will keep my obligation to the kids" I said I've seen a lot of changes with you and I'm worried about you and the kids. Mentioned the drinking, leaving them home, neglect, always going out the casino etc. She got defensive about everything. I can't even remember everything she said, she was just rambling on about everything ad anything. Saying the new guy never meant to happen and she never got any emotional support from me and on and on.
She said she wants a divorce and it's her time to be happy. Said she was faking it for too long. I even mentioned to her that that's a cop out, I said "geeze, two months ago you were telling me how deeply in love you were falling and wanted to get re-married" and she said it was all fake.
I told her a major reason we keep getting pushed away from each other is because we keep holding this divorce over our heads. I said even in the past when we got back together the divorce papers were always right there on the shelf and you keep holding all of this stuff from the past right over my head.
I told her this divorce is the worse thing that can happen to the kids and she said, well they'll get over it, they are so mean to me anyway so you don't have to worry about them being mad at you.
I was so disgusted with her I did not even want to look at her anymore. She then said you better give me that money. I said That's it, I'm so disgusted with you especially with this other guy that I'm done, I'm leaving, I'm not giving you any money. She then started screaming at me and I said, you know what. The gambling is why you don't have any money and I left her standing there screaming in the driveway.
I'm aggravated, but I'm also having some clarity and 2nd thoughts about her. She has turned into a hostile bitch full of spite and neglect and fueled by constant resentment. It's ridiculous some of the stuff she was saying to me.
- Scott
Original Thread Part 2 M-37 W-34 M 10 T 14 2 Ds 13
Sounds like you had a very interesting conversation with your W and I am glad that you were able to "lay down the law" so to speak. The sitch reminds me of all the times my WAW brought up the casual drinking and how I withdrew to my cave because I viewed it as nagging due to how she was communicating. It was an issue that I was passive about and did not want to own up to. Now I have no choice and have made the necessary discoveries, courtesy the bomb, to own up and change.
In a way, you just delivered a bomb to your W. Don't know how she will respond in the coming days but if she is in denial about the gambling, I would expect her to lash out at you. Going dark could be good to isolate you from the crap storm that can be looming. Then again, looking at how we first responded to our D bombs, how did we react to our Ws? Could she begin begging, pleading, pursuing etc...for the financial support for her addiction? Don't know, just some random thoughts collected over the days from reading your thread.
I agree with SMW and KL...what can you do to isolate the kids from all of this?
LS
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
She was so hostile, it was like a whole other person. She was mean, cruel and just brutal.
She did complain about a lot of stuff and I did learn some things that bothered her in the past that I had no idea even bothered her. She should have told me at the time, but now she resents me for it because she dwells on all this past hurt.
Some things she said -
"When I saw I was gambling too much I stopped myself. I have not been there in a while" (lying) About OM - "I didn't mean for it to happen it just did" "I made a big list of things and you were not there for me in the past through most of it. I needed that emotional support" (who knows what kind of list it was, but I'm sure it was filled with mostly negative stuff if she is saying that) "Do you think I like asking for money, do you know how that makes me feel?" "I have to go work in a restaurant now because of this, how do you think I feel about that?" "I have two dogs to take care of too and I can't even afford food for them. I wish you would just take one" "I'm happy now that we're apart, this is the best thing for us"
I told her I felt we were making a huge mistake and that I didn't want a divorce especially without even trying to make it work now that I'm 100% healthy.
She went on about how its that same as the past and that we already tried to work it out and that I had the opportunity plenty of times to get healthy in the past and didn't etc.
She also mentioned stuff about when I was talking to that friend of mine YEARS ago. I said, I understand how you were hurt by that and I'm sorry. I told her I have stuck with the commitment we made to not talk to anyone outside our marriage. She started pointing fingers and bringing up even more past crap. Stuff I hardly even remember and stuff that seemed so insignificant that she harbors.
I asked her to please stop holding all of this past hurt over my head constantly. I told her it's toxic and not doing us any good. I told her she has every right to feel hurt and that I was sorry for the hurt she went through, but the future is not based on that.
She said I cannot guarantee that I'll stay healthy. I said you cannot guarantee anything in life, but I am committed to staying healthy and now I know what the problems where and how to deal with them. In the past I was misdiagnosed and treated incorrectly, that is a big difference from today.
She also mentioned about not being able to go on trip with daughter because of money. I told her the ONLY reason she could not go on the trip was because of all of the gambling. I said there was plenty of money there, but all of it is gone now. You are the only one who used the money, so how can this have anything to do with me. She snapped - "What, do you want me to tell the kids about the gambling?" I said "no, and I'm telling you again that I'm not angry about it, I'm worried about you" she says - "you don't need to worry, I'm not going anymore and I'll have a job soon. Do you know why i went there?" I said "to escape a lot of what is going on?" she said "no, I go because I enjoy it and it makes me happy" (yikes!)
Then it was more of:
"I can't go through it anymore, too much has happened" "I've put up with this for 14 years" "I deserve to be happy and I'm going to be" "I finally have the courage to stand up for me and be happy" "I am going to be strong for the kids and I'm doing what I know is the right thing" “The kids are terrible to me, they treat me like [censored]. They treat me like that because of all the times they have seen you treat me bad in the past" "All we have is sex not love" "There were a lot of deaths in our family and you were not there emotionally for me" (I wish she ould have told me this at the time, I had no idea she felt like that, she made it seem like everything was fine... ugh) "When my father was sick you moved out" "Whenever we get close you always push back and something happens, I cannot fake it anymore" "I'm glad you're healthy now, but its too late" "The divorce is already paid for and going through, you'll be getting the papers soon, please just sign them" "This guy has nothing to do with my decisions, I'm making these decisions for me because I deserve to be happy now"
I know there was more said, but she was jumping all over the place being a real jerk and I had to leave before I got angry and started saying stuff I didnt mean.
She texted me last night -
"I want the keys to the house"
I'm sure she'll be a hostile jerk now. These are the kinds of mood swings she has on a regular basis.
- Scott
Original Thread Part 2 M-37 W-34 M 10 T 14 2 Ds 13
