Got a wake up call from H this morning - VERY unusual. I'm still a little rattled by it, but giving it some time to process. Basically, he wants to file some sort of paperwork.
And I was just recovering from a vivid and disturbing dream I had 2 nights ago (not the one where he married ogre).
Ok, so here's what happened. Keep in mind that H has never been the one to bring up S/D or even R talk in the 2 years since our S. He's also a non-spewer who rarely contacts us unless it's to talk to S.
(Not all details are here because I was half asleep when this happened.)
First thing in the morning when I'm still sleeping, my phone rings. It's H asking what present he should buy for our mutual friends. Almost immediately after that, he starts in on what happened between him and another close friend of ours last night (I'll name him B). H says he doesn't ever want to see B again at any of our gatherings/kid's parties, etc. - that he had to hold himself back from getting into a fight with B only out of respect for friend who was celebrating important event. B was badgering H on why he's still stringing me along, why he hasn't filed, why we haven't made any decisions. So H told me that we need to do something if that's what everyone thinks - that he'll pay legal fees on both sides and that at the very least, we should have S papers. Also said that it's just a piece of paper and that nothing's going to change. ??? He continued to tell me about all of B's infidelities (stuff I kind of already knew, but didn't want to know any more about since B's W is one of my closest friends). Threatened (to me) to tell B's W everything if B confronted him again on our sitch. Couldn't believe B's W was so naive to not know.
From what I can remember, I told him who cares what other people think or tell him to do - that I would have filed a long time ago if I listened to what people told me to do. Told him that I'll go through with it when I'm ready but if H wants S or D (he never did say the word "divorce" though) that I would give it to him if that's what would make him happy. I think I got a little choked up when I told him that. Also told him that not many people understand what I'm fighting for. I did defend B, because I know he means well (despite H thinking B's only looking out for himself). Told H that B's been a good friend to me and that I'm close to the entire family. Told him that I was also very naive and to please not tell B's W about him because it's a family he'd be ruining. I really can't remember what his response was, but he didn't argue with me.
We never came to any conclusions on the S or if H was going to get going on that. I did my best to try to calm H down, as I could tell he was really agitated by what happened with B (obviously, since he called me way before the time he's usually up). I asked him, besides being mad at B, how he was doing lately. He said he was ok, but losing sleep over work. He talked a lot about his work, then talked about some financial stuff. Asked if I had enough money in our joint account. I told him that I have enough, but that more never hurt. He claimed to not realize that there wasn't much left after all the bills were paid and said that he'll be adding more every month. The convo lasted about half an hour. After we hung up, I messaged him that I was proud of him for not getting in to it with B and how hard that must have been. No reply, but H did call me 2 times after that to discuss the present for friends again - which in the end he said could be from both of us, instead of just him.
The Good: H chose to call ME to talk about what happened, even if it was out of desperation. We actually had a conversation. He brought up S/D for once. He suggested giving a joint gift. He's being more responsible and helping out financially.
The Bad: He brought up S/D. Says nothing's going to change. (That was the real killer, even though I'm not quite sure what he meant exactly.) Doesn't want to have anything to do with my group of close friends who I often spend important occasions with.
The Ugly: H still came across as feeling justified by his choices. No guilt, no remorse after all this time. H is calling B a hypocrite but not seeing that as bad as B is, at least he didn't leave his family for a whore like H did. How sadly common this lifestyle is among H's friends.
There was so much that I wanted to say to H but I bit my tongue. I was in pathetic roll-up-in-a-ball-and-wanna-cry mode for a while. Then I thought about all the people on here that have been through SO much worse - and the few that have even reconciled after all the times their S said they were never coming home - and I blew it off. Until I had to run to the bathroom and almost puke from the thought of H going ahead with the filing.
As for the dream I had the other night - it was freaky because I dreamt of a friend and eating a really bizarre food. When I saw the friend the next day, I told her about my dream. She had eaten that exact food for dinner. I had also dreamt of H that night. He had a really nasty growth on him that I was able to overlook, but that I knew there was no way the ogre could, which proved she was only after his money. And also that h and I were seeing each other while he was still with ogre and I was ok with that. Maybe because I have been having thoughts about being the OW and wondering if I could ever go through with it, even though he is my H. Anyway, so so strange and very very disturbing.
Really needed to vent and get all of that out. Thanks for reading - keeping it short and to the point is not my specialty.
P.S. I really am trying to focus on "The Good" from above, but does anyone else get tired of searching for and even stretching the tiniest bit of good out of a dismal situation, or am I the only cynic around here?
More drama. I won't get in to all the details this time. I was the one who initiated the contact. It wasn't about R talk initially, just about the sitch the other day with friends. We did a lot of messaging back and forth and I cleared up some misunderstanding between H and B, although the friendship is broken. Anyway, H said some nice things that he hasn't said since he dropped the bomb - that he hopes that I'll be ok and that he'll always be there for our kids. (He usually refers to them as THE kids, not OUR kids.)
I got to say some things I've been wanting to say - like how it's one thing for kids to say later on that their father had an affair with someone, and another for kids to say that their father left them for that someone (I actually phrased it differently and referred to ogre as 'something'). It was relevant to what we were discussing so I slipped it in. When we spoke, he was really angry, but was directing it all at B - clearly still not admitting his own faults.
I didn't expect to get a lot of the replies from him that I got, so I guess overall, it was good. Not sure where ogre is since he was talking freely on the phone with me. Maybe just out of town.
At the very least, I hope some of the things we talked about got H thinking. I really do want H to fix himself on his own. As much as he has always done his own thing, he does have a tendency to go along with other people's thinking when he's too lazy to think on his own. I so want to tell him what his problems are, but spoonfeeding him ultimately won't help him. On the other hand, maybe he needs me/someone to just feed him the first few bites before he can dig deeper on his own.
I feel like I took advantage of the opportunity to get H to open up a little and it worked (slightly) this time. Hope I can do what I think is the right thing, which is sit back and wait for H to move closer again without opening my big mouth.
Anyways, I'm thankful for the good interactions and conversations we're having lately. Won't expect to have any more though any time soon.
Hi sh- I saw what you posted on Trusting's thread about over-analyzing. We all have a tendancy to do this from time to time. Just get out of your head and live your life...does it do you any good to analyze what your H says or does? I think you will be happier if you can appreciate the positives and leave it at that.
Now I say that and I think about my own sitch. I admit I want more and so I push. All of DB is so much easier said than done but I believe it is doable...just mind over matter. So how can we adjust our thinking even more?
I bet if felt good to say some of the things you have been wanting to say to your H.
I know it must have hurt when your H was talking about a legal separation or implied about a D. Since you were so upset, I think it shows you aren't ready to completely let go yet but regardless of what happens, it is all only paperwork and really doesn't really change anything.
Thanks Upside. It did feel good to say those things to H. I have a bad case of over-analyzing. H has called me twice already today. First, when he just woke up, because he thought he had missed a call from me (I didn't call him). Then again later on to tell me some good news about something he found out last night regarding work.
I am stopping myself from wondering what's going on because I want to think that ogre is out of the picture, but I'll be so very disappointed to find out H is just lonely because she's out of town. How I would LOVE to have some insight on what is REALLY going on, but I know it's not gonna happen.
Something I find interesting is how H is still displacing his anger and blame on to his friends. I suppose I'm lucky there's no anger towards me. From what I've heard, he's mad that I found out about all the crazy things he did, including ogre - as if our M would not be in the state it is now if I had never found out. My take is that he feels like he had no choice but to continue on with his life with ogre, leaving me and the boys, thinking he was actually doing the right thing.
I know, I know, I know. None of this is anything more than what I THINK is going on.
Anyway, had a great weekend and am going to focus on the positives and just keep on chugging along.
SH Im glad for you that you and H are talking see where it will all lead? we never know My H also displaces all his anger on my brother snd this work sitch keep the lines open and hopefully more will be revealed take care of you and at same time keep expectations low at least like you said, he is being responsible and in some ways he sees what he has done is wrong or he wouldnt say anything about s/d to make it more legit.. just my thougths I think it is good when anyone like a friend has the courage to stand up to these mlcers and tell the truth their actions are hurtful and they deserve to be in full awareness of themselves peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
SH, you and H are talking more, that's a baby step. Seems like you are not ready to D, then don't ask. He can take the lead. I agree with peace that by talking about S, he is in some way acknowledging that you have been hurt in some way. In another words, he is seeing you in a positive light. Otherwise, why would he care?
Hey OC - Tried to call you several times but no answer. How are you? Anything going on with you? I've been thinking about you... peace - Our H's are really similar, aren't they? I agree that our friend is a true friend for standing up to him, but H sees it otherwise (unfortunately for me, friend isn't exactly a prime example of good moral character, so H is using that against him).
You're right, I'm not ready to D right now so I'm not going to ask. I'm as comfortable as I can be with this crappy situation, but I have nothing to complain about. Until this situation no longer works for me, I will just continue on like this. I believe in what I'm standing for, but if H decides otherwise, I will also respect his decision and let him go.
H is very aware that what he's doing is wrong and also aware that I was hurt. I think the guilt from that is what keeps him so distant. I didn't think of it as him seeing me in a positive light though. Interesting.
I really think ogre is just out of town, so he's a little bored and lonely and is just filling the void by communicating with me. I do find it interesting though that he usually seems to contact me to let me know whenever something good happens at work. Like he's either trying to impress me or he wants my praise.
I really need to back off, stop watching the clock and let him continue to bake.
H is very aware that what he's doing is wrong and also aware that I was hurt. I think the guilt from that is what keeps him so distant. I didn't think of it as him seeing me in a positive light though. Interesting.
Are you doing anything to help lessen your H's guilt? Validating...acting as if? I think you are so his guilt should be lessening and he should start to see you in a more positive light...hmmm...could it be???...maybe...but try not to watch the pot waiting for the water to boil.
