not every H needs his *ss kicked. Mine did. Some don't. Some W's need their *ss kicked. In our sitch H was too harsh, I was too much of a doormat. I needed to get stronger, H needed to get softer. Some M's are the opposite of ours, some are more equal to begin. I don't mean to sound like I know everything. I just know what we went through. I think most of the people here are amazing & have given their M's 200% & then some. But, if the other person won't try, won't work on it, won't go to MC, then you can only work on you & hope they wake up somewhere along the way.
The reason I went looking for an OM was an empty love bucket. C said the other day that I haven't talked about leaving in a while. I said "why would I, I'm getting everything I need from H".
lodo, you are not a DAM. DAM don't come here, read, learn, try to help other people. DAM sit in their recliner with their remote, yelling at the little woman to bring them another beer while they scratch their b*lls, & watch 14 hours of sports.
Jeff, you aren't a DAM either. (didn't want to leave you out)
& to everybody else that's replied in the last couple of days, I do want to comment & thank you, I'm just running out the door to church. Be back asap.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
SC, This DAM thing was invented by FG. According to him one of the main traits of DAM is that they don't know they are DAM. Most of us here are probably not DAM at least by now after listening and learning for months. I think your H is not a DAM, nor are you a WAW! A WAW is totally and intentionally "checked out", brain damaged beyond repair, kaput, a gone case, permanently lost behind a wall! The WAH and the DAM are much easier to change than the WAW. If my W was half way committed to the M I wouldn't be here as would be the case for many others. No kick in *ss would move her in the right direction. They are the one's leaving the marriage and will do nothing to try to save it yet they put all the blame for their actions on the H. I see your commitment - to me that's the biggest component of love.
fb2, I agree with you, most here are not DAM. I think the reason I'm such a curiosity is because I was a WAW. I was checked out. I was brain damaged beyond repair. I was gone. I did think I'd end up with OM. I did think OM was perfect, & H was permanently flawed. If OM lived in my town, there would have been numerous times last July & August, that I would have shown up on his doorstep. I was leaving my marriage, & blaming it ALL on my H. I had checked out emotionally, I just hadn't left physically.
Now I'm just rambling, cause this is getting long....lol
Part of that was trying to figure out what the heck I was going to do with no job & 4 kids. H & I had that phone conversation where we discussed who would move out. He started out all righteous saying "why should I move out, you're the one who wants this to end, you're the one who's not happy". I said "IF you love me, IF you say you want what's best for me, IF you mean it when you said you'd do anything to make me happy with or without you, you will move out, & let me stay in our home with our children". He agreed. I then said "if & when I want you to move out, I'll tell you". I never asked him to move out.
See how in the first 17 years of our marriage the pendulum was WAY over on his side. To balance it out, we couldn't just have it swing to the middle, it had to swing WAY over to my side, then it's gradually settled towards the middle.
I think a kick in the *ss would move her in the right direction. We just have to figure out what the kick is. You know that saying everybody has their price.....
IF she doesn't fix herself first, she'll end up in exactly the same position a few years from now. A different man, different problems, but still unable to resolve problems.
I think that's why DR as a life concept works so well & makes so much sense. The whole theme of it is, fix you. Don't try to fix them. Fill your own love bucket, get a life, make yourself happy. Then they will see an attractive person to come back to.
Nobody wants to go back to a pleading, begging, miserable person who believes no one will ever love them. Do you know how turned off I was when H was laying on our bed crying, moaning about how much I was hurting him. He was way more attractive when he'd take our boys shooting, & go to the gym, & work on the house. When I'd walk past & he was playing chess & checkers with the boys...I pretended not to notice or care. But I saw him trying. He got impatient at times. He wanted me to forgive him faster & sooner. I just kept telling him, "you say you love me, show me, don't tell me".
Then I gave him a list of 100 things that showed me that he loved me.
okay, is this what FG calls his Drama Queen ? lol Do I have an inner drama queen dying to get out ??
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
"is she re-abusing you to "get you before you get her"?"
I can't tell you how over the years I have felt this way. That statement sums it up. Which was the key for me to start building walls of resentment from W 'controlling me' she was always waiting for the other shoe to drop so she could prove to herself that I was no different then any other man that has been in her life. I have told her over the years it felt like I was having to 'pay' for everyone elses mistakes and treatment of her and it wasn't fair, she would get so angry when I would say that, truth hurts sometimes?
Continue to grow on your path of self awareness...
Brian
((((Brian)))) The truth does hurt, but she can't hear it yet. She doesn't realize that she's still feeling like a victim. She doesn't realize that she's punishing you for past pain.
H always said that to me too, & I denied it, & got pissed & told him he was crazy. My C/Dr & I are finally at a point of trust that I can "hear" him now. C offered a few reality check items the other day. I thought over what he was saying, pondered it on the way home (30 min drive). Then before I got home, I called H and said;
"I'm sorry for blaming you for every messed up thing that ever happened to me, I'm sorry that you're having to live with the after effects of the abuse to me, and I'm really sorry that it affects our intimacy. I'm getting better though, can you forgive me?"
I hope that one day she can say similar words to you.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I realize now I have to go back and read all your stuff! I need to understand where your feelings were coming from, and what it took for you to turn them around. You are not my W, and there are a lot of differences, but there's some similarity behind it all, too.
((((Jeff)))
there's a lot to read. If you have any questions or want clarification on stuff, holler. I'll be around.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hi Girlie, how are you ? Thanks for the compliments, I think the same about you. You are a cheerful light wherever you go.
Your stoic H sounds like he's living in black & white now. Color is so much better. I hope the old him returns to you.
hugs, love
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I am loving reading yours and H's journey of rediscovery, even though much of it has brought me to tears. It is truly beautiful to read adn I can only imagine how wonderful it must be for your family and friends to witness.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
