To be here or not to be here

[Sugar and Spice]

((Pinkie)) I hope you are having a good day and keep your chin up. There is always light at then end of the tunnel.

You take care of yourself and know we are here for you.

Corey

[Hope4us]

(((((Pinkie)))))

If he has really broken things off with OW (or vice-versa), there's going to be a grieving period before he wants to be in the M, or any other relationship. So, it is a step in the right direction, though we don't know what steps will follow.

Take good care of yourself, Pinkie!

I think Jeff is right on the money with this one. Until he gets through the WD from OW he won't be able to do anything remotely approaching even being civil to you. Just ignore everything right now. The detaching is what you have to do to get through this. If the alien mother ship leaves and your real H comes back, great, but if not, by detaching you can remove yourself from the crap.

Keep your chin up!

[Snow White]

I think it will just never be over with OW, or be there for us. Last night he decided to stay at his parents(which they have been offereing but he has been stubborn) He called me from their home phone. Shortly after I receive a text "I want to make love to you tomorrow night" - from his affair phone. I called him on it and he claims it was a joke. I figure it was meant for her. He says no he hasn't talked to her in a week(this was her doing)

This is the first text I have ever rec'd from that phone and no calls so I am fairly certain I am not a contact. My only other thought is that he thought I would not recognize the number and he could catch me in something with my response.

But really I think it was to her. Is it easy to screw up that bad?

[Frank V]

Its very easy to screw up that bad.

It was very likley her. If HE ended things then I might think otherwise, but if she threw him away then he is going to be pursuing her for a while and WD will take a lot longer.

Just because he said its over, doesn't 'mean it is over in his head. If He didn't end it, then HE still has to end it in HIS head ...and THEN after THAT the WD period has to process in him.

He has'nt ended things with her, SHE did, so he's going to be purusing her for a while yet.

My guess is that message was for her yes. A VERY bad cover saying it was a joke.

This guy really has a lot of maturing to do. I would reccomend you detach, get a home of your own etc and leave him alone to grow up. If you pursue him and baby him like you have (I would'nt have let him in my home at all), he is never going to mature into an adult. I guess letting him live there is ok if he just stays there and lets you live your own life.

Its actually a good thing becasue its much easier for you to db and get yourself back on your feet. Its hard to get yourself back on your feet when you have no idea where your H is.

Just detach, stop worrying about him, HE has to process a LOT right now and you distancing yourself will HELP push him along.

[bluerain]

Pinkie, Im sorry. Its hard to see someone you respect doing stupid things.
My H took a secret trip to visit the OW, hes military so hes gone often ( but this trip was NOT for work)he flew out of an out of town airport but left his truck in short term parking. So the airport called me and wanted me to move it. I didnt. But I did let my H know that I knew exactly where he was.

I hope that it was a joke, and I hope that is cut it off. Probably wasnt, but we cant know that for sure. I agree with Mark, distance yourself. Let him go through the WD, watching it may make you angry.

[Hope4us]

Pinkie, I agree with Mark that it was probably meant for OW. And I agree with Mark that if OW is the one who ended it he will be trying anything to get back with her until he figures out she's truly done. And THEN he'll have to get through WD. This is the same situation I've been in. OM cut and ran when I exposed to his wife, but my WW kept pursuing. She wanted him to come "visit" her at least 3 times that I know of and each time he made up some excuse and she just didn't get that he was done. OMW told me he's pretty much a coward and wouldn't come right out and say "it's over" so I'm sure he just made up excuses and WW just didn't get it.

I guess the point is, just detach from it. If you still want to give your marriage a chance, go dark. It's the only way you'll retain any love you still have for him while he gets his chit together. If he doesn't come back, at least you're removed from the crap which will make yourself feel better. I really think if I'd have gone dark a long time ago things would be very different right now. We'd either be really back together or I'd have spared myself a lot of pain watching her self destruct.

Keep your chin up and DETACH!

[Snow White]

I wish I could go dark, everyday I think today is the day. Last night I worked at a local event where people drink inthe streets. I walked there, H texted a few times while I was there and I pointed out that while I was not ignoring him I was working and could not text back. He sent a text to say he was going to bed and asked how I was getting home, I said walking, he said thats not smart, be careful and call me when you get in. I said could you come get me? I actually was kind of nervous walking home after I saw the volume of drunk men there. So he did, which I thought was nice. Then he went back to his parents house to bed - for real this time.

I am having a little bit of a rough day, H showed up this morning and said to D I am taking you swimming at Grandma and Grandpa's today. I said nothing as if we are getting truly separated today is his day with her. So when he came I went out and cut the grass, he was a little miserable because he couldn't find his sports stats and I must have thrown them out. I asked if they were on the computer he said yes.

Well then H maybe if the computer didn't get smashed we wouldn't have this problem. So other than that we were civil. I went into town to get a replacement head for the weedeater and he left with D. I kind of thought I was going to be invited, I was going to make a point of saying no you go ahead this is your time now. But I wasn't.

I hate how D is involved in this too. H is on the phone in the driveway and she comes up to me and says daddy's on the phone but not whith his bad friend. I said oh ok, trying to ignore the convo. She says its not his bad friend "nancy". Cousin didn't know "nancy" so I told her(cousin is 6) that daddy's friend is bad. I said you don't know nancy either, D says yes I do, I know her name and that she is bad.

[Snow White]

So now I get the phone call, shat are you doing, aren't you coming down for a swim? Me - I wasn't invited. H - Come. Me - no if we are not going to stay a family this is "your" day. H - D, do you want mommy to come have a swim? D - Yes. H - D wants you to come.

I haven't gone yet, I am just sitting here, what should I do?

[mcojh]

That's an easy one Pink......do what Pink wants to do. Do what you do for Pink. If you want to go, go. Have a good time, be detached. Treat your H like an aquaintance. Be polite etc etc.

DO NOT go unless you want to.

[Snow White]

I do want to go I just think I always want to do stuff with H, and that is why we I am not detached, and no where close to dark.