You are not just standing and waiting you are FIGHTING for your H. You have told OW in no uncertain terms that you won't give up. Pointed out to her that she will always need to be watching H and that given any opportunity you will take him back. That is a very powerful message to send anyone.
It is a powerful message and it is the truth. But I also see the other side of it, I do see how things can go sideways. And I am very leery of what I say to OW. At this point she is doing 99% of the talking. She calls me, she asks me the questions, she tells me all sorts of things about their R. Of course it is R talk, but in my fight to save my M, some of it is vital info to our financial survival (he owes her alot of $$, I just discovered). She even said to me that she feels that I am OW b/c H and I are separated - now there's a weird twist. She is the one coming off as weak and snooping. I am strong and self assured.
The thing is that I know my H will come back to me one day - though I know it could take a very long time. I don't know how I know but I do - God must be telling me so because I feel it everywhere, all the time. According to H, as of this moment we are "done". Then last night (2 days after he "let me go") he called me to chat, told me he bought me a couple of things I'd been looking for, asked me what I was doing the next day (I'm learning to golf), and offered to teach me. There is no reason for us to be in contact since D is w/ grandparents for two weeks. I know he's not "done".
I told OW that I believe that H wants to come home, but he is having problems facing reality - the guilt, the debt, the enormous mountain of work to be done. So when things get tough, he runs back into his fantasy world w/ her, to charge up his batteries by self medicating. Then he comes back to me, works at it for awhile, runs back to "fantasy island" and the pattern has been repeated over and over, a la MLC-mode. He doesn't have to come to me - I don't chase him, I don't call him, I do my thing. I AM ready to move on w/ my life while H sorts out his issues.
[quote]If he wants to come back it should be because he wants to and not because he has been forced into a corner and has nowhere else to run…[quote]
You are right, and that is the only way I want my H back, by his own choice. If not, he is free to never have anything to do w/ me again except as co-parent.
Today I am meeting H to hit some golf balls (his idea to "teach" me). I will keep it light and congenial, w/ no R talk - after all, our M is over, right? I'll leave it to him to bring up anything to do w/ our R. If he does, my message to him will be that I am moving on w/ my life. If he says he wants to try again, I will tell him that he needs to figure out what and who he wants. The door is still open for now, but my expectations are the same: no contact w/ OW ever again, complete transparency & honesty, move back home. These are non-negotiable. If he ever feels he is really ready to do this, he knows how to find me. But if I back down now, I have no credibility & H will believe he can walk all over me & continue this crazy back & forth cake eating. I will stand & fight for my M, but I will not be taken advantage of.
FA
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
