i'm clueless....

[Dom R]

I don't think i'm going to be posting so much anymore. At least not for now. I'll probably read up on some of your sitches and offer advice if i can, but i think i'm done.

In the matter of a month, i've gone from wanting to work on it, to not wanting to work alone, but not giving up to being completely hopeless...

I just want out. It hurts to bad everyday to live like this. I'm not going to leave or anything yet, but i'm probably going to sit down and put a timeline on how long i'll live like this with no change in him. i just can't continue to hurt this bad on a daily basis and have him blame it on me. He says it's my own fault that i'm unhappy and that our M is what it is... he's right, so now i'll just have to see what will make me happy.

Urk.
This is a fairly strong post. I hope you read it all the way through, and consider it as a whole.

He's only partially right, Ann.
It's his fault, that he hasnt treated you better.
It's your fault, that you havent insisted he treat you better, and tell him HOW he can treat you better.

Ann, you're deliberately setting yourself up to be a WAW, if you arent already.
You are knowingly keeping yourself in the position of,

• If things keep on like this, I will not stay in this marriage
• I will not do MY PART, of what it takes to change the course of the marriage for the better.

So, you are choosing to "passively" destroy your marriage.
Doing it "passively", doesnt make you any less responsible for it. Having a good marriage, takes daily work. Deliberately choosing to not do the work, is deliberately choosing to destroy your marriage.

Your children need a family. A mommy and a daddy, to live with them every day.
If you don't "feel like" working on it for yourself... work on it for your children, to give them what they need the most.
You can help them, by helping yourself have a better marriage.

Reminder on what you need to "work on" to make your marriage better:

• (you should probably be seeing an MC)
• Identify the top (2?) most important things you are lacking from your husband right now
• Identify the top (2?) most important things you need your husband to STOP doing right now
• Confront him, with *specifics* about the above things. With words along the lines of something like, "I'm feeling miserable, unsupported, and unloved by you. This is the most stressful time in my life right now. I REALLY need these things to change. This is what I think you could do to make that happen ....

If he brings up the "or what, you'll leave?"
Then tell him the truth. Tell him, "yes, if things dont change, then I will".

If he puts it in terms of "or what, you'll find someone else again?" Please be sure to tell him, "no, i'll just leave".

I strongly suggest that you see an MC, if nothing else but for one session to work out in more detail the best way to confront your husband about it.

He may react initially with "Fine! Then we'll get a divorce!"
However, if you stay calm and dont escalate your side, making it clear that's not your preferred choice, then I think he will choose to work on HIS PART of things, after he cools off.

Your husband does care about you, Ann. He's just being a selfish, ignorant bozo right now.
So, educate him