sounds like you're both on the defensive and wanting to be heard. I know it sounds hokey, but you can lay down ground rules for R talks to make sure both parties feel like they're being heard in a safe environment. You know - each side gets 3 minutes to explain themselves and the other person has to remain totally silent but maintain eye contact. Then end it with "thank you for telling me that" - type stuff.
I think many of us are guilty of doing the same things we accuse others of doing. We often pick up in others the things we don't like in ourselves. Difference is, for ourselves we can justify it because we have the full emotional picture in our heads. We don't have that with other person. I think my W is hypocritical for complaining that I neglected her by focusing more on my degree program but then she wouldn't do anything together because she wanted to focus on her degree program. Is there a right or a wrong there? Not sure. I neglected her, now she is neglecting me. We both felt justified and couldn't escape the loop. We both probably would go away and feel chitty about ourselves. I don't know. It's all about communication I guess.
Sorry you're feeling grey. There's an Eliza Gilkyson song - Coast - where she sings that she needs to be alone for awhile to find out whatever became of her. Then asks, did you ever think it would feel like this, the price you pay for love? The price that you pay willingly?
What bothers me about the song is that even though I'm throwing in the towel with W, will it really ever be better with anyone else? Now I've got all this baggage from years with W - wouldn't it make more sense to work it out with her? I don't know. It scares me that I can easily see myself having a button pushed inadvertently by someone else due to the way my W and I interacted - my pre-programmed responses.
I have to believe there somehow can be transcendence.
lodo
PS - have to remark, it doesn't sound, as usual, like your H is stepping entirely up to the plate. I keep finding this remarkable in your posts. Maybe at some point you need to lay it on the line and let him know that others are willing to do backflips to work on things with a partner who is at least open to it. If he can't commit to that kind of engagement, than that speaks volumes about the future of the R. Remind him that you left because you were scared and he can't get back a scared person through brusqueness. Not that that is any guarantee, but he has to shine a light back - otherwise, where's the good? What's the benefit? But no guarantees even if he does.
