Your advice is not working. I can't implement DB... I need to find my own way. By myself.
Phil, I just don't see where you have followed any of the advice given to you! How can you say it isn't working when it hasnt been implemented? A couple of hours or even a day of doing something is certainly not going to bring about any noticable changes, especially when a situation is where yours is (wife out of the house).
I will give you the best advice I got: When someone posts something here that annoys you, dig deeper into it. Usually you are annoyed because there is some truth that you don't want to deal with.
When you post things that you did/said and someone gently tries to show you a different way, they are not "nit-picking." They are simply trying to help. If you knew your wife as well as you say you do (since you disregard the things that the people here are telling you may be going on in her head), well, Phil, you woulnd't be here right now. Please take into account the things that people are telling you! Heck, we may be wrong, too, but at least you will have another perspective.
I think people are just trying to point out to you that your wife is not mean or evil or trying to hurt Phil. WAS's are hurt, too. It takes a lot to move out and break up a family. But, they do it because they feel they have no other choice. Do I agree with that choice? Of course not! I believe in those marriage vows, too. But, here you are, so all you can do is look at this as an opportunity to make your marriage better.
From the sounds of it, your marriage wasn't so great. In your posts you are going back to many situations that made you angry or hurt you. But, it still seems like you would gladly take all of that back if only she would move home. Phil, I doubt you really want that. This is your chance to get the marriage that you truly desire. The one where both of you are happy, can communicate, and are partners.
Here, I will nitpick for a sec, too.
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Because it is a meat market. I throughly and explicitedly told her in the past I didn't like when they went there for girls night out.
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Why she even told me she was going there was beyond me. Yes, I'm doing the 180 thing too. She never felt like I loved her. She never felt I gave her affection. All bull crap. So I say to her she is gorgous and I worry about her being at those kind of bars.
So, where exactly is the 180? Basically it is all the same. In a nutshell, you are saying "I don't trust you. I am insecure about this." Just adding "you are gorgeous" this time does not change the message.
Do you have to like the fact that she is in a place that you find to be a "meat market?" Nope. But can you control it? Nope. This is where "acting as if" comes in. Tell her to have a good time. End of story. If you want to be with your son, offer to keep him. If you don't, say "Oh, I'm also going out. I'm sorry, I can't help you out tonight." Exercise your own control here.
You don't need the walkie talkie conversation, Phil. You just need to follow the rule of George Costanza here.... Do and say the opposite of every instinct that you have. (Seinfeld fan?) This does not mean to compromise your own values or to not be yourself. If you want to improve the relationship with your wife, though, you will have to find a way to tone yourself down. You are reacting to her from pure emotion instead of thinking things through.
Phil, this is a long process and you want it done yesterday. Please listen to the people here. Everyone is really trying to help. My friend Meredith used to tell me that sometimes it is as if a person is lost in a forest and the rest of the people here are up in a helicopter and can better see the path. You have people trying to guide you. Don't strike out on your own. Your own is what got you here. And, I mean no offense by that. Hell, we are all here for different versions of the same thing.
You don't have to agree with everything given you here. Just consider it. Slow your fast-moving brain down and consider it. You just may see things in a different way.
One more thing... Besides here, do you journal? It would be helpful if you kept track of interactions with her. See what works and what doesn't. You seem intent to do this on your own. Maybe you need to see it all in front of you, in black and white, to understand what works and what pushes her further away. You are quick to argue with what people are telling you that they see, and it seems that you are occupying yourself with only the argument...not the analysis.
