Thanks, but honestly I don't know if it's a nice job or not. I don't know how I should act anymore. We aren't old friends with a common history, we're husband and wife in the middle of divorce. I don't know why she acts the way she does - avoidance? denial? relief?
I was looking back through emails the other day. This divorce happened through emails. Here's how it went:
10/22/07 - The bomb. She moves out saying the little things were annoying her and she didn't look forward to coming home. She didn't want the little things to take over the big feelings.
10/30/07 - Returns from conference, says she was young and naive when we met [she was 21, broke up at 24, back together at 25, married at 28] and now she felt like she was on a different plane than me [PhD work] and although we could talk easily we didn't share anything in common [hadn't been doing enough together].
11/3/07 - agrees to counseling and mentions she didn't think I found her attractive or interesting. She never really puts any energy into counseling.
11/28/07 - she says she just feels like being alone.
12/31/07 - I return from a trip and find, after she'd been staying in the house, suspicious stains on the sheets. I call and accuse her, she denies, and I apologize.
1/15/08 - I make plans for another MC. She says no, she wants divorce. We talk. She tells me about OM, but agrees to go to counseling.
1/23/08 - We're both shaken by counseling. She sends this afterwards: "I feel like MC opened the door to honesty in a way that we hadn't and I need to hear more from you. Your impressions are right - I haven't been really committed. I hate that I'm attracted to someone else, but I can't escape the fact that I am. I'm well aware that it's a bad idea, a recipe for disaster, misplaced emotions, whatever metaphor you want to use, and I don't see it as a potential long-term relationship. And it also sounds ridiculous - why the hell would I give up what I have for something i didn't think would last? I don't know. Tell me if you want to see me or not."
1/30/08 - We spend an intense evening; crying, holding each other, looking into each others eyes, talking about everything. Then suddenly she gets up and leaves. I later send a terse email after days of NC and she replies with this: "I know you support me and have supported me. I have not questioned that. And now I have done something for which I should lose your support, your respect, and your faith. After Thursday night, I was almost ready to say let's try again. What stopped me? What's my problem? Obviously, I'm not very good at sustaining relationships. No, divorce is not comparable to asking for space, but is it really fair for me to think about coming back to this relationship with conditions? I am overwhelmed with work right now and I'm pretty good at partitioning off parts of my life. Obviously, I did a very bad job of following through on what we both said - that we could get through this time period together. My independence is my downfall."
2/17/08 - We have another MC session, but she's shut down. Later find this is most cell phone traffic with OM. She says she won't work on M, thinks it's time to move on. I tell her I'm cutting off friendship and leave for the weekend. While I'm gone she sends this: "I've been really stubborn - while you've been saying you have to give up the relationship we've had, that's all I've been able to think about. Coming back has meant coming back to that unhappiness, and I couldn't do that. But coming back means starting something new - we both need and want a new relationship, and I haven't been able to see it that way. I also haven't been able to think about working on things because the sessions with MC have been good but tend only to remind me of the things that annoy me or bother me about our relationship and about you. So that's not going to get me there. Neither is a hike once a week - it only makes sense to me if we're living together again. I've been stuck feeling like my happiness now is incompatible with being married to you, but I don't think it is - it will take some figuring out and good communication, and maybe you won't want the new kind of relationship we can have. But in my mind, the only way to do that is to do it - it's not so much about how we spend fun time together as how we deal with the rest of our lives together."
[she moves in but won't work on anything, won't do anything together. 2 weeks later she moves out but is horribly conflicted - packs/unpacks 4 times in 1 day. Says she deeply cares for me but isn't excited to touch or be touched by me. Says she can't deny her feelings for OM. Goes to IC, then asks me to wait 6 months while she tries to start R with OM. I say no so she asks for D. I say maybe we don't need to take this route, but she says she feels "relieved and good" about Ding.]
4/13/08 - she comes over to split property, then wants to catch up and we talk all day. Later emails that she appreciates that we can talk and wants to continue to be friends. Says she's happy I'm doing interesting things that I'm excited about.
4/22/08 - day I'm served with papers. This is her most intense work period with OM. She sends this: "I don't completely understand my feelings, but I can't deny them. You are a wonderful, caring, engaged, interesting person, and I wish that I could be the person for you, but I can't. We have connected on so many levels, and I feel we still do. And I really, really don't want you to put the blame entirely on yourself for this, because it's about my participation/lack thereof as well. But I appreciate that we are still able to talk, and hope we can continue that."
6/4/08 - emails about signing agreement and includes this: "Perhaps you will not understand this, but I did not end a relationship with you in order to pursue another. I ended the relationship because I couldn't be there anymore. I'm happy to be on my own right now, but truly sad and sorry that I hurt you along the way."
So there it is. My sitch. Most of this is in my threads, along with my responses, but I decided to encapsulate. Clearly the disconnect in our marriage from both of us being in grad programs and full-time jobs is apparent. But so is effect of OM.
So she's trying to be friends. Everyone else thinks she's unrealistic and hasn't faced what has really gone on. I think she's confused and is seeking solace in her independence. We needed to spend time together - the one thing she continually refused to do.
Funny enough, I never asked her to come back. My "party line" was always that I respected her work space and wanted to find a way to reconnect while giving her the space she needed for her degree work. I told her we needed to find a way to be together before spending too much time with each other. So I really blew it when I let her move back in.
Anyway, don't know the best way to act. Friends say to cut off contact with her. It does feel a little silly to be friendly but still use LRT techniques. So I don't know. It is what it is I guess.
