Some of the questions I want to ask you listed below. I have not asked them for fear of her saying I would have known if I would have communicated better.
I created a post looking for a womans perspective that walked away or wanted to because she was not getting what she needed emotionally from her H.
Seeing your reply I thought I would ask your opinion. Here is most of what I wrote in the Walk-away Spouse forum. Sorry if it is long but I am looking for any feedback.
My wife told me about 2 weeks ago that we needed to start thinking about getting a divorce. We had a conversation about 2 years ago that she was not happy because I did not communicate very well. I tried to make changes after that conversation and thought I was doing the right things. I wish I had read all of the books I have been reading the last 2 weeks.
I thought I was making the changes she wanted but the problem was I did not really know what I needed to change. I thought I was smart enough to figure it out on my own. I am so much more educated from all of the reading and realize the areas I needed to work on. I really believe that I know what I need to do make myself a better husband now. I have told that I realize my mistakes and will work hard to correct them. I told her that I did not want a divorce. I told her that I would go to counseling on my own or with her to work things out. I think that she has some work to do in the communication department as well but most of our problems were a result of what I was not giving her. I told her that and apologized to her from the bottom of my heart. I believe that I need to change and want to change badly. I think that the changes she would see would bring back the happiness she was missing. It would also give me the happiness I wanted in our relationship and I don't just mean more sex.
I have been faithful to my wife and have never been abusive. We don't even have that many big arguments. While we were talking, she told me I was a great father. She had never said that before. The big problem has been my lack of real communication. Growing up, my family was not big communicators in the family relationship area which probably caused me to not communicate enough in my marriage and I want to improve on this. It seems like all she is having are negative thoughts and not thinking about the good times we had along with 3 great kids.
She is a very strong willed woman and said that she has pretty much emotionally checked out on me. I know that she is serious beacuse she has begun looking at the finances and how we can handle our living arrangements. In some ways, I don't blame her for feeling the way she does. I just want to do the right things to get her emotionally checked back in with me. I know it will take time. I will be moving out tomorrow (July 6, 2008) to give her some space. I don't know how long I will be able to be strong and stay away even though I will have my kids some during the week. I will kill me not being there for my kids every day.
I am really interested in a WAWs point of view. Would you be more ready to let your husband back in if he sincerely wanted to changed and was willing to work harder than anything not to make her feel hurt again? I know this would also create a happier marraiage for me.
Me - 43 W - 38 Together - 14 yrs Married - 13 yrs S - 10 S - 8 S - 5 Separated - 7/6/08
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
hi kptch, we've got some big differences in our sitchs, but here goes....
what changes did you make that you thought were going good ?
what did you read in the last two weeks that you wish you knew sooner ?
do you know that most of good communication is listening ?
ask your W, "if she were willing to give you another chance, what would she want to be different?". If she doesn't know, go to 5 love languages, ask her which hers is, & start filling her love bucket.
Did she ask you to move out ? or did you assume she wanted you to ?
I'm probably the wrong one to answer the last question. If H had not changed, & wasn't willing to try, we'd be divorced. period.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Growing up I had a great family but looking back we were not good communicators in an emotional way. I did not know how to be a good communicator in a marriage. I did not open up to her when things were bothering me with my business, about finances, or just how I was feeling in general. I did not think she would really want to hear that. Looking back, those were the things I should have been talking about to make us feel close. I did not treat her as a best freind. She probably thought why share her feelings with me anymore.
I thought I was doing things to show her I loved her cared. The problem was what I thought would be important to her were important but not the most important. I was leaving out the things that would keep us emotionally connected. Things like giving her a hug and kiss when I get home or before going to sleep instead of just in the morning before I left for work. I should have called her more during the day to see how she was and how her day had been going. I should have taken time after the kids were settled to stop and catch up for a few minutes. There were times when I would make a decision about something and not ask her what she thought. I thought is was making the best decsion for us but I should have asked her opinion. When a big decision would come up I should have listened to her side of the story and not think my way was the best way. I am not really a controlling person. I should have been more open and honest. I never tried to hide anything. It just seemed that way to her. I would joke that I did not need to look at her to hear what she was saying. I could be looking at something else and repeat it all back. I now know that I should have stopped, acknowledged her, looked her in the eyes and listened. I am realizing more and more I did not do a good job of listening.
I am sure there is something else I am missing with her. I hope what I said above covers at least 90% of the problems. That is what I got out of the books I have been reading. That is why I want to change for both of us. I just want to be a sponge and learn as much as I can.
The sad part is that when we had a talk about this about 2 years ago I listened and tried to change. The big problem was that I really did not know what I needed to change. I thought I was doing the things she wanted but I was so far off. I wish I would have read these books then. I probably would not be in this sitchuation today.
I have not read the book on the 5 love languages. That may be the next one I read.
I am scared to ask any questions like the on you mentioned at this point. I think she might say you would know if you would have asked or talked more with me. On the other hand, I want to ask it now because I want to make sure I am working on fixing the right things and not just thinking I am working on the right things.
When I said that I realized what I was not giving her, I told her that I did not want a divorce. She said that after 4 years I finally get it. She said that we should live apart for a while and that she would not make any promises. Part of me thinks that she believes I can't change.
I am not going to do this now but I want to sit her down and tell her everything I have learned. Tell her what I want out of the marriage and see if I really get it. See if we are on the same page. I want to know what she wants from me so I can give it to her. If I can make her happy I know I will be a lot happier with our relationship. I want the communication and affection to be there. I really missed that. I know it will be a lot of work for both of us.
I appreicate your help.
Me - 43 W - 38 Together - 14 yrs Married - 13 yrs S - 10 S - 8 S - 5 Separated - 7/6/08
even though I am divorced, do you think it would still work if I asked her about 5 language of love. I have noticed that there are about 30 questions.
I was going to ask her to guess mine, then I would guess hers, then for her to give me hers then I would give her mine....meaning - I would ask her to go the guy page about how she viewed my language of love, then I would do the girl page about how I views her language of love, then I would ask her to answer the girl page, then I would answer the guy page....either by email or by phone.
Smartcookie, I am in a bind. Although we are divorced, I am still DB to get her back. After reading the WAW point of view, I am getting a better picture as to why she filed for divorce....
please view my post under - "Divorced, but not done / what do I do at this point" Any response from you will help. thanks.
I took your advice. I picked up my copy of "5 languages of love", asked my exW to answer 30 questions to find out about her love tank, before I continued I asked her "Please let me know if this is causing you any discomfort discussing these topics" - she said "No, it is okay", and we continued....and guess what.....I found out her love language....and it was not what I thought it was.
After the 30 questions, I asked her if it would be okay to review them....she said "that is okay". Boy, I was going about it the wrong way all these years....I thought I was filling her love tank, when I wasn't. For example - I thought she wanted gifts when what she really wanted was to talk, and just be there for her. Not to say, that she didn't mind the gifts, she wanted a gift from me that took some thought into it, a gift that I really took time picking out - not some random gift.
Thank you Smartcookie, finding out her love language really opened up my mind about many issues we had - All I needed to do was fill those tanks.
I asked her if she was willing to find out my language of love - she said "okay". We are scheduled for next week tuesday at 8:30 PM.
<<I thought I was doing things to show her I loved her cared. The problem was what I thought would be important to her were important but not the most important. The sad part is that when we had a talk about this about 2 years ago I listened and tried to change. The big problem was that I really did not know what I needed to change. I thought I was doing the things she wanted but I was so far off. I wish I would have read these books then. I probably would not be in this sitchuation today.
<<I have not read the book on the 5 love languages. That may be the next one I read.
MAY be ? lol
<<I am scared to ask any questions like the on you mentioned at this point. I think she might say you would know if you would have asked or talked more with me. On the other hand, I want to ask it now because I want to make sure I am working on fixing the right things and not just thinking I am working on the right things.
Scared or not, you need to ask, in your first paragraph you'll see why. You Thought. You need to ask.
<<When I said that I realized what I was not giving her, I told her that I did not want a divorce. She said that after 4 years I finally get it. She said that we should live apart for a while and that she would not make any promises. Part of me thinks that she believes I can't change.
& part of her thinks that you won't change. That's completely normal WAW thinking.
<<I am not going to do this now but I want to sit her down and tell her everything I have learned. Tell her what I want out of the marriage and see if I really get it. See if we are on the same page. I want to know what she wants from me so I can give it to her. If I can make her happy I know I will be a lot happier with our relationship. I want the communication and affection to be there. I really missed that. I know it will be a lot of work for both of us.
How about, ask her what she wants out of the marriage. Don't tell her, but tell me/us, what do you want her to work on ? You said it will be a lot of work for both of us.
<<I appreicate your help.
no problem, if you have more questions, you may want to mention it to me on my thread, so it's not a big gap in time.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I took your advice. I picked up my copy of "5 languages of love", asked my exW to answer 30 questions to find out about her love tank, before I continued I asked her "Please let me know if this is causing you any discomfort discussing these topics" - she said "No, it is okay", and we continued....and guess what.....I found out her love language....and it was not what I thought it was.
After the 30 questions, I asked her if it would be okay to review them....she said "that is okay". Boy, I was going about it the wrong way all these years....I thought I was filling her love tank, when I wasn't. For example - I thought she wanted gifts when what she really wanted was to talk, and just be there for her. Not to say, that she didn't mind the gifts, she wanted a gift from me that took some thought into it, a gift that I really took time picking out - not some random gift.
Thank you Smartcookie, finding out her love language really opened up my mind about many issues we had - All I needed to do was fill those tanks.
I asked her if she was willing to find out my language of love - she said "okay". We are scheduled for next week tuesday at 8:30 PM.
Thanks again, Smartcookie
How did it go ?
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
