I know for the longest time I thought he was just faking the changes, & just putting on a good show. I was afraid that he'd go back to the way he was. Then C pointed out to me, that if he did, I could still leave. It wasn't like if I gave him a chance that I could never change my mind again. To some extent, some of it was show, because he's eased up in his efforts a bit, but only because he was soooooooo overboard in kissing my *ss for so long. (it was nice though)
I'm jumping back over to my thread because I need to ramble a bit, & just let things fly onto the page. I'm still trying to figure out why/when the wall crumbled.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Sorry to hear about the end of your night. Just a thought but maybe you and your son could go out and get the storage boxes for her, just to show that it doesn't have to be a battle. A little bit of validation that you understand she was upset. I don't know though, it could be pandering to her needs...
I think she was probably enjoying herself too much as a family, maybe getting too relaxed in the situation, and had to build that wall back up!
Hi Jeff! Gosh, she IS very Arien...always wants her own way, bossy? controlling? In charge? And thats exactly how my friends D behaves (aries) if she doesnt..she 'cuts her nose off to spite her face' as we say here...and loses out every time. Its like giving in to the anger in them. Your W needs to learn to channel her Arien anger, not direct it at her family, although how you get that across to her, I dont know!! Like you say, you wish she'd see a C. I guess she is 'holding it together' though and clearly doesnt want to rock the boat, so I cant see her going for C as that would be admitting that either she has a problem, or needs to make changes and sounds like she thinks that everyone else is the problem?
I can see that your W is rather an immovable force in your family and its no wonder that you are having trouble getting through to her. I reckon you are really onto something with the mirror/postits. Does she have a bag or briefcase for work? Could you slip a note in there, to catch her out during a busy stressful day?? You sound good though and like you are getting alot from your kids, enjoying their company alot?
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I really loved JCJ's idea about going and getting the boxes for her. I don't think it would be playing into her control issues, but it would be extremely thoughtful.
Everyone has made such great suggestions. Woo your wife back to sharing her life with you. It truly is the little things that win a woman over and opens her heart.
Are you going to golf today?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
OK, so we went out, and had a very nice dinner. The gift cards helped a lot! On the way home we stopped at Target, to look for some storage containers for some of W's quilting stuff. While she was looking for that, S13, S10, and I wandered a bit, S13 wanted to see if they had Rockband for the PS2. They did, and he checked out the price. Then he mentioned it to W. this set her off on how much he plays electronics, and how he doesn't draw anymore. He said he doesn't draw because she was trying to direct his drawing, and tell him what to draw. (I don't know the facts, here. But, it would kind of fit her controlling nature.) Anyway, a Target she found out that they didn't have what they wanted there, but did at another one on the way home, so we were going to stop there. In the middle of the argument with S13, she decided she just wanted to go straight home. So, in a typical fashion, she "punished" herself, and now will be able to blame S13 for her not having gotten what she wanted. She won't say anything, but I am sure that's how it works. About half way home S13 apologized to her. She said, "It's ok, but we have to talk about it later."
So, there you go!
DH, I can't keep up on all the posts anymore so I may be out of line but....
If W was acting like a pouty little kid then you should have stepped up to be the parent and guided the whole family to the next store and get W what she was requesting in the first place. You see, when S13 wanted his own stuff that took the focus off W's purpose and she wasn't important anymore. She wants to be important, and she tries so hard by making everything her way or no way and getting angry and controlling when it does not work out.
You say you don't know her LL, let me offer that it is WOA. Try it. Feed her ego. Put on your alpha man pants when the situation requires them but leave the arrogant ego that can so easily go with that in the drawer.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
((((((Julia)))))) Picking out the boxes is a good idea. Unfortunately, I don't know which ones they were!
(((((Ali))))) Yes, she will definitely cut off her nose to spite her face. And she would clearly rather blame everyone else for how she feels, than look at herself. I don't think she has a bad she takes every day, I will eventually put a note in her car, I don't know it I have any way to give her something during the day when she is at work.
(((((hottie))))) I think I will be golfing today. I am so terrible, I either need to golf more, or quit!
(((((Mishka))))) I hope the little things help. She really doesn't seem to be like most women!
(((((WCW))))) Stopping at the second Target would have been an interesting step. I think she would have blown her top, and not gotten out of the car. But, I thin it still might have been a good idea. You might be right about her being upset that S13 took the focus off her. It's not like he even was asking for it (ok at some level he was, but he knew that he wasn't getting it) he just wanted to see that it existed, and see how much it casts.
I'll try some more WOA. Can't hurt!
Funny postscript to the story. After we got home, the kids started playing video games. I came in to "my" room. After a while W came in, and asked me to make sure S13 got to bed on the safe side of midnight. She's told him he could play until then. Wonder if she was feeling a bit guilty?
Not to criticize, but the fact that after looking at the boxes with her you don't even know which ones they were kind of says something about where the focus was - i.e. not on her errand. While I realize the kids take a lot of focus, it seems to me that she is really missing that attention.
Get back to the compliment a day, keep up the active listening and validating, and keep doing the mirror messages!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
(((((Michelle))))) That's a good point. I wasn't really in on looking for the boxes, I figured she had that under control, and I took care of the kids. The thought that she might have wanted more attention, rather than less, is interesting.
I think tonight will be a rainbow! I need to get some new markers!
