Ok, I have to say this. I'm worried about the pressure your S feels right now. You are basically asking him to choose whether he wants to see his mom anymore. Do you really want to have that forever in his head that he was the one that decided to leave his mom? Whether it is the right choice or not, I'm not sure any kid should have to make that kind of decision. YOU can make that decision and explain why and he can listen and agree, but to have HIM be the decider......I see long term effects of this. You are the parent, you see what you need to do for the better of the family, and YOU make the decision. But, he is being pulled by your W saying "you like it here, you like it here" and you saying "you wanna get outta here?" and that puts him in the middle. It sounds like he is a mature boy, and does have an opinion about this but you know what I am saying? Maybe even to say something along the lines of "I know how you are feeling and thank you for telling me your thoughts on moving. Ultimately, I will do what I think is best for the family, and this decision is not on your shoulders. This is for a parent to decide. I'm sorry you have had to deal with all of this. Just know that both of your parents love you, you have nothing to do with our problems, and we will always take care of you." Or something.
I appreciate your concern WDID. This was his decision. He asked me if we could move. I said what if mom doesn't want to move and he said then we should just move without her.
A while ago, when our marriage was in a whole lot worse shape than it is now he asked me if I would ever leave him and I told him "of course not" and at that time he said he wanted to stay here so I told him I wouldn't go anywhere until he was out on his own. So when he said he wanted to move and I was pretty sure my wife would fence sit on the move, it was a question he had to be asked.
Should I have said "we're moving whether your mom comes or not"? That would be showing him I don't care about his feelings. Only he can tell me whether moving is worth it to him or not. He knows I want to move so by him making the decision for himself whether he wants to move whether she goes or not I feel had to be left up to him. If I go about it the way you suggest, wouldn't he resent it some that I took him away from his mom if he didn't want to go?
Update....I talked to W again about the move, and it's as Pup suggested it would be, she's coming up with all kinds of excuses. "I don't want the stress of a move and new job". I said "just a month ago you were looking for a new job/company, so what's different now?" No answer. She's trying her best to convince S16 he's happy here and doesn't want to move. I said "S16 has told me he wants to move, with or without you" and she had a pained look on her face. She said "I'll talk to him when he comes home Sunday" so we'll play it by ear for a few more days to see if her talk with him shows her how serious he is.
Thing is, I can see W being nervous about moving home. She's probably worried that if our marriage doesn't make it she'd rather be here than in our hometown because she likes it here more. So I can see her apprehension.
No pressure for now. Just going to enjoy the long weekend. And she's been pretty decent today, even after the move talk.
Again WDID, I appreciate you keeping me honest.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Your W can always move back there if the marriage doesn't work out.
Good luck with the arrangements for the move. Maybe you guys can try to make this very positive like a new beginning... even if it's in a place you've been before.
BTW, I totally agree with this statement:
>>Because if we stay together while she figures it out, I'll end up being the WAS if/when she figures it out. And at this point, I'm not a LBS turned WAS yet, but it's getting close.<<
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Thanks ROOT. She could move back here if it doesn't work out, but it wouldn't be quite as easy for her as it is for me to move. Our company would allow her to transfer back here, but they wouldn't provide the same transfer benefits for her as they would/will for me due to our different pay classifications (hourly vs. salaried). So sure she could move, but it would be quite a bit more expensive for her than me/us.
I can't wait to hear Puppy's comments on this next statement. Yesterday was a very good day. Even after the move talk. WW suggested we grill out, which I must say I do very well. We had chicken, tilapia (or however you spell that fish) and those great potato, green pepper and onion foil packets that you just throw on the grill. The tilapia was GREAT. lemon juice, garlic powder, Emeril's essence seasoning, pepper and it was the best grilled fish I've had in a long time.
Ok, anyway, making myself hungry, but after dinner we sat outside enjoying the evening. There were fireworks going on all afternoon around our neighborhood. WW told me that the night before there were some pretty serious fireworks just down the hill from us (not sure who was shooting them off because there's nothing but an apartment complex there and without a license in Ohio, fireworks are illegal) and she had taken some pictures with her phone and actually came up to show them to me. And a couple times her handing the phone to me to show me the different pictures my hand brushed hers and it about sent me through the roof.
We watched fireworks as long as we could stand it before the mosquitoes drove us inside. From the hill we live on we could see 5 sets of fireworks from the different communities around us. A couple of them were kind of small across the valley, but you could see them none the less.
Oh yeah, S16 texted me later in the afternoon and asked me what she said and I told him he was going to have to talk to her in person because she just didn't believe me when I told her you were ready to move with or without her. He said "ok, I'm talking to her Sunday evening. Did you put in for the transfer yet"? I told him no, my boss was out of the office Thurs so I wouldn't be able to talk to him until Monday. Doesn't really sound like someone that is confused to me about what he wants like WW says. And judging by the pained look on her face when I said he wants to move with or without her, I imagine she'll end up moving with us when she realizes we will actually move without her.
Hope everyone had a good 4th of July. And today is my Dad's birthday! I miss him so much. He's been gone over 6 years now and I still think of him every day. Not with as much sadness as was there when he first passed, but its still there. I would give anything to have him here with us still.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Today was another pretty good day. WW started off the morning talking and talking. We went out on the deck and had the morning coffee and she was pretty engaging. I mowed the yard and then we sat out in the sun working on our tan's. And she kept periodically talking to me about, just stuff. And I swear a number of times she was starting to flirt with me. Came over to the side of the deck I was sitting on and sat down on the top of the 3 steps up to the yard and then started leaning over so the girls were about popping out of her suit top. And then she'd lean back in this seductive pose and just hold it there. I tried to ignore it while I was reading my book and I could see out of the corner of my eye that she kept looking over at me, almost to see if I was looking at her.
I think you might be right Pup when you say that she wants to know that I think she's still attractive. This was almost too obvious. So about 5 I decided to go out for dinner and I asked her to go and of course she declined. BAM, there go those expectations again. Two really good days and I'm thinking she may go along and when she doesn't, I'm disappointed. Oh well, I go without her.
When I got home I asked her if she was going to my mom's for the picnic tomorrow and she says "I wasn't planning on it". BAM, another disappointment. To give her the benefit of the doubt, it's a 5 hour round trip for one afternoon picnic, but still, I was hoping that she'd go.
S16 called and talked to her for a while and she asked him if he wanted to talk to me (WTF?) and then handed the phone to me. S16 says "it sounds like mom is really considering moving with us" and I just told him "oh" as she was sitting there listening. I'll talk more about it with him tomorrow on the drive to and from the picnic.
All in all a pretty darn good weekend. Not as good as it could be, but given the circumstances, it was pretty good.
One question, when will she start doing things with me? It really seems like we're making some progress, but until she's willing to actually do some fun stuff with me, how will she get "those" feelings back? Is she afraid if she does go out and do stuff with me she'll feel something and then the whole affair is a waste?
Oh, and one more thing. I noticed that she's put on a few pounds. Don't get me wrong, she looks better now than she did at her anexoric best a few months ago prior to my telling the kids. Has a shape again! But this seems to me just one more thing that tells me the affair is over. If it was still going on, she wouldn't be gaining those 5 pounds or so she's put on.
Talk to you all soon.
Last edited by Hope4us; 07/06/0812:02 AM.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
At some point Hope, you have to detach or you are just going to drive your self insane. PLEASE QUIT asking your wife to do things with you! If you and your kids are going out then its great to ask the wife to join the family. But alone time with your wife is a bad idea since you are the one that is always instigating it. She may just stop running from you if you would ever just stop chasing her.
I'm reading my above post and I'm worried I'm sounding like an A$$. I'm only posting to you because I see so much of my situation in yours that it is like watching that movie Groundhog day. You are Bill Murray and I'm in the audience screaming..."No, dont do that! Dont you know what is going to happen."
I appreciate the comment Sakaro. And I can see how you would think I'm pursuing like crazy, but really I'm not.
Thurs night I went out without asking her if she wanted to go. I do that once or twice a week. I usually ask her if she wants to go with me one other time during the week. So I'm going out 2-3 times a week and ask her if she wants to go along only one of those times.
Yes, yesterday I did ask her to go. And I just said "I'm going out to get something to eat if you want to go along". She said no so I went anyway. It's not like I pitifully ask her if she wants to go and if she says no I just sit at home.
Asking her to go to the picnic today was something I had to ask. S16 told me when I talked to him yesterday that he thought mom might come to the picnic with us. I am going to leave this morning before she will be out of bed so I had to ask just in case she did want to go.
Don't worry, I'm detaching plenty, but there's still that part of me that wants this to move faster than it is. I'm just ready to move forward with or without her and the hard part is we seem to be making some progress, but it's just not fast enough for me. Heck, yesterday she was talking and talking about our family trip to Disney in Aug and then the "just us" trip back to Disney in Oct. She was talking and talking about different things we need to do prior to going, she told me her plans this week, I mean, if she wasn't sleeping on the couch, you'd never know anything was wrong.
Question for Puppy if/when you read this.....Given her seemingly obvious attempts at reassuring herself that I'm attracted to her, do you think it's time for me to try to initiate some physical contact or given that my lovingly detachment seems to be working, just don't go there and let her miss it more? It was freakin killing me yesterday the way she was just about throwing her self out there. I wanted to go grab her and do things on the deck that would get us arrested!
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Question for Puppy if/when you read this.....Given her seemingly obvious attempts at reassuring herself that I'm attracted to her, do you think it's time for me to try to initiate some physical contact
YES. However, if you get rejected, it's critical that you laugh it off with good humor -- no poutiness -- and move on. SOME sort of a "180" from how you may have handled sexual rejection in the past.
She is either trying to draw you in, because she wants to ML with you, or she's playing some sick mind game. About time to call her on it and find out which, methinks.
