Thanks guys for checking in on me! You are so caring and thoughtful. I actually decided to have a break from the boards.... finding that it was distracting me from concentrating on myself, and making it hard to be patient. Also I have been hormonally emotional so this week I've been concentrating on letting him have space.
Its funny how sometimes you have to go back to the basics just to get through.
ANYWAY! I have news!!
This morning I decided to do an aerobics class at the local gym - never been there before and its been years since I did aerobics. It was an early morning class, and i figured I wouldnt know anyone there, so I went with hairy legs, daggy clothes, no makeup and my hair greasy and needing a wash! Did the class - was absolutely exhausted and all red and hot and sweaty..... and as I was walking out I bumped into H.
Bit of background.... H used to go to the same gym when we were together, and he had a crush on one of the personal trainers, and I found emails and texts between them just before he left. But I dont know what happened if anything between them..... anyway he was suprised to see me but happy. I chatted for a bit but wanted to get going, as I felt all smelly and gross,,,, but H asked if I wanted to have a coffee. So we did. Chatted about work etc. he opened up about how he is finding running his business really stressful and has headaches and stomach cramps because of the stress. I was very good and didnt offer any solutions just agreed that it must be hard, and was encouraging that he was doing well. He talked about where he might live after his lease is up - and it didnt affect me. Anyway more chatting - he asked me good questions and amazingly seemed to remember things that are happening in my life (that's a change!).
I got cold and said that I'd better get going. We walked to the car, still chatting and laughing and then I said something like: E: Oh well its good to see you, its been a while H: Hanst been that long has it? We only went to the jazz club a while ago: E: That must almost be a month H: Yeah but before that it was ages
Then
E: You know I'm really proud of you, you are doing so well H: (Hugs me) Thanks E: (Getting teary) I know you are going to be a success and everything is going to work out H: (also teary, hugs me) No-one has told me that since..... not even mum E: (does an Ali and kisses him on the neck) (pulls herself together though) I know its been tough but I'm really proud of you H: (more teary) (we are staring each other right in the eyes) E: You are a good man, and you make good decisions, I want you to know that I'm proud of you, you made a hard decision and you were true to yourself and thats really important H: Sometimes i just dont know (looks away) feels like my life is just working and crap E: (looking him straight in the eye) nah... I'm really proud of you and you are going to have a great life H: (looks extremely grateful)(we have another big hug - very close) E: (breaks away and says in a happy tone) OK I will see you later, H: (says something I cant remember, but we laughed)
E: drives away crying but happy tears!
I was so glad that I got to say that. It feels like a turning point for me, maybe not for him, but so good that I could say it. So glad that we can be friends and I can love him in that way. So many people just cant get over the hurt and anger, and then they miss out on having a good relationship with their ex-partners after their marriage has ended. I am so grateful for DB that has helped me accept everything that has happened.\
So feeling really proud of myself. I also didnt bring up the boxes that have his stuff - will wait longer for that.
So then I get the following text message H: Your amazing E: Thanks! Youre not too shabby yourself! H: Ha ha!
Feels good. I love him, but I'm Ok if he wants something different. I feel like I've been the bigger stronger person, and I'm actually proud of me! I've come a long way!
Guess what! I just had dinner with H!! So good to actually have something happening to write about.
So on Saturday I had told H that I'd broken the coffee machine and maybe he could help me fix it (I know that he loves to help me in a practical way). And good as gold Sunday afternoon he pops over with a screw-driver and attempted to fix it. Then he was kind of looking around the house, so I mentioned the boxes that I've packed with his stuff.... it went OK but definitely changed the feel of the conversation - I said he could leave the boxes as long as he needed to at my place.... Anyway he left but it didnt feel great - especially after how good yesterday had been.
So I was brave and called him about 20 minutes later and asked if he was hungry and wanted to catch up for dinner. He suggested a place and we met - again we had heaps to talk about. But he got teary twice during dinner. I said "its good to see you" and he said "yeah its really good to see you" - and I laughed and said something sarcastic. But then he really stopped and said that he really meant it, and it was good to see me and he missed me!!!! And he got all teary. I changed the subject to sport (total 180 for me!!). I told him about coffee date guy who has turned into a bit of a stalker, sending me heaps of text messages etc etc. And H was really keen to go and sort stalker guy out! Yay!! And then H got all teary telling me something awful his sister had said about me (it wasnt that awful, but had made H really mad) and how he wanted to defend me. I cant believe he got so emotional.
And then the best bit.
As we were leaving H: I really mean it, its good to see you E: Yeah well we can do it more often H: I'd really like that, you know cause I miss you (Hugs E - in a full body hug) (kisses E's cheek) (E rubs H back) H: because BABE your still my best friend E: (makes mmm-ing noises, reassuring but not any pressure) H: somedays I wake up thinking crap what have I done, and other days I feel great E: yeah I know, I understand (break from hug) (H is very teary - wipes tears away!!!) E: well I'll see you around we make small chit chat, laughing smiling etc.
How good is that! I so wanted to kiss him when we were eating dinner. Must play it cool and let him come to me.... But hopefully he will make more of an effor to see me?? Feels like maybe we are heading towards friendship stage. I cant wait to make him chase me, I'm really looking forward to that bit! I must be calm, and not get my hopes up. But my heart is doing a small dance tonight.
You've done GREAT, esp when H got teary, fantastic DBing! And how brave you were, asking him to have dinner with you!
((((((hugs))))))),joining you in your dance .
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
Wow Essie! Thats incredible!!! I'm so happy for you, you must have been thrilled! News indeed!
I was thinking about your last post (sweaty post gym meeting) and thinking... I'm not sure about the DBing aspects, but do you think you are being TOO 'whatever' with him, um, almost discouraging him from trying again in a way, your so, hey its over, I'm happy for you.. in your convos with him that if I were him I think I'd feel a little foolish, maybe even confused? It would seem that you are over him and just saying 'there there, never mind, its sad, but hey, see you around' - I may be exagerating here, or barking up the wrong tree, but do you think you may be presenting a bit of a wall to him and that might be actually discouraging him??? Like at the end of that emotional convo above, where he revealed vunerabilities to him, you said:
"E: well I'll see you around"
which is a bit...hard? dismissive? After he cried??? Could you have said, well, it was great to see you, keep in touch? Or someting a little bit more inviting than, see you around???
For all I know, you could have done exactly the right thing and been the queen of DBing (I'm sure others will say so!) but it struck me that you are making it VERY hard for him to get closer, its that thing isnt it, they take a little step nearer, you take a little step nearer...but he took a little step and you turned tail and skipped off in the other direction !!??
Just food for thought, but you sound really strong anwyay, which is good,
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
OH MY GOD ESSIE!!!!!!!!! This is AMAZING!!!!! I am SOOOOOO proud of you!!!!!!!!!
Wow... I love the image of you coming out of aerobics and bumping into H! It made me laugh so hard! And then going to dinner with him! And him coming over with the, *ahem* screwdriver!!! AYI YI YIYIYIYIYIYIIIIIIIIIII!!!!
He told you HE MISSES YOU????? That is like, the BIGGEST BABY STEP I"VE EVER HEARD OF!!!
hooorayyyyyyy!! I can't wait to hear what happens next!!
Hm, in regards to Ali's comment... I'm wondering if you can find a balance between no pressure AND being encouraging. Like Kalni told me a couple months ago about my sitch, "put that special warmth into everything you do." Like, if you don't feel like you can TELL him that you love him, SHOW him, just by being warm and loving. Does that make sense? Maybe I am way off the mark here. Obviously what you are doing made him feel safe enough to open up to you. It is a great example of how people (here, the WAS) want to be part of things (IE, essie's life) that don't need them. But, you know, maybe you could reach out more frequently, like when you asked him to dinner!!!
I think OD said it really well, when they take a baby step toward you, take a baby step towards them!!
I'm still floating today! Felt so good for him to call me Babe, and to say that I'm still his best friend. And I know he wanted to hug me!! Yay!! Such a great feeling... I know I should be prepared for a dip in the roller coaster, but I'm enjoying the high.
(((Stella))) Thanks for your encouragement - I've lost your thread - where are you posting?
(((Ali))) for your love and wisdom. I hear what you are saying. i think if you had been able to see the whole movie version with the camera panning away, instead of just the script, my comments would have been more in context. To be honest I cant really remember what I said at the end, but I dont think I was too distant. But I would never ever have invited H to dinner if it hadnt been for you and Lisa telling me that its OK to sometimes make the move. So thanks for pushing me in the right direction!
I find it really hard to balance showing him that its OK and I accept his decision if thats what he wants (its true I do just want him to be happy, and I will be OK if we're not together) and then to balance that with how much I would love to kiss him passionately and tell him I've always loved him!
At the moment it feels like if I take a baby step towards him, he will take one to me. Like I said something deep and meaningful and kissed him on the neck, and then he opened up more and kissed me on the cheek.
I think I'm being pretty warm and welcoming in real life, even if my script looks like I'm hard! I dont want to pressure him, he will make a move when he's ready and sure.
(((T))) - I was waiting for you to reply! Thank you so much for being so happy for me, it means the world!
I sent H a text today thanking him for dinner. It will be interesting to see if he feels the same energy and enthusiasm to see me as I feel about him, or if he is going to withdraw after being so emotional in front of me!
I think I'm being pretty warm and welcoming in real life, even if my script looks like I'm hard!
Essie, I think you are amazingly warm and welcoming, even though I've never met you in real life . What I meant by great DBing was: if MY H started crying and telling me that he's missing me, I'd cry all over him and even worse, smother him with wet smooches . I agree with Ali, though, that H needs to feel all your warmth and concern to make another step.
Quote:
(((Stella))) Thanks for your encouragement - I've lost your thread - where are you posting?
Well, I sort of made it () and now I'm in Piecing. Still on the rollercoaster, but it's getting better. Come visit me sometimes!
(((((HUG)))))
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
This is AWESOME fan-flipping-tastic news!! H misses you and his life isn't working out so well without you! Well duh, as if we needed telling that that would happen!
I think you handled the conversation really well- I like the sneaky neck-kiss. That's a good 180! Did he reply to your text?
.
. What I meant by great DBing was: if MY H started crying and telling me that he's missing me, I'd cry all over him and even worse, smother him with wet smooches 
. I agree with Ali, though, that H needs to feel all your warmth and concern to make another step.
) and now I'm in Piecing. Still on the rollercoaster, but it's getting better. Come visit me sometimes!