First time i read that post i sobbed and get tears everytime i read it. Yes i know my wife is in that situation.
The differences are she never said a word - until the bomb. Through our relationship i would have done anything to make her happy - and still will
She saw the changes in me instantly. I want the anger from her and am getting nothing - i want her to vent and get rid of it. I will never fight with her - i will never argue - i will never get angry - i will listen to all she has to say when she says it and validate it all (as i have done so far) . I think she needs lots of time for my changes to sink in and for her to trust me.
We are still best of friends and feel that now there are no two people better suited to being together. She was told every day how beautiful and sexy she was. My nickcname for her used to be "princes fragile petal" (you mention fragile petal in your post)
She has OM and am trying my best to be loving and supportive atlhough i am being torn apart.
I believe i deserve all the hurt i am experiencing for unknowlngly hurting the person i love more than anything.
I suppose the big question is - can she ever be in love me again ? And only time will answer that
just started reading your thread and thought I'd offer a little different perspective.
IMO, everything your wife is saying to you is what we call the "script" over in infidelity. She's confused and probably would welcome the opportunity to work on M if it weren't for the OM. His presence is a symptom of your M problems, not the cause, but it has everything to do with why you're finding it hard to work on things. She's giving her emotional energy to someone else, feels excited by those new feelings of love, and is probably finding it hard to reconsider a revamped R with you as a viable alternative. Unfortunately, there isn't a whole lot you can do except work on yourself and be the most attractive person you can be FOR YOURSELF. If she starts to realize the grass isn't greener, then she'll be able to evaluate you in a better light. But right now her vision is clouded.
That said, what you posted above sent off all kinds of warning signals. "Princess fragile petal"? You'll never fight? Never argue?
That's not a healthy relationship. Don't place her on a pedestal. You're walking on eggshells and that isn't attractive. There is a difference between validating - listening and accepting someone else's viewpoint - and just agreeing with everything they say. You can validate and still disagree. In fact, you SHOULD do that, because a R is about two people participating.
My $.02. I had to learn this lesson the hard way, but once I did it made things much more comfortable with W. The presence of OM has meant we're still on the road to D, but our interactions are more constructive.
Same as same as. I need to know i'm doing my best - i can't look back on this with doubt that i didn't do everything i could
Interestingly went out Sat night and my W calls me first thing Sun morning with some mundane request and starts enquiring about my night and did i sleep at home.
She was defineately fishing - i have platonic friends (like my wife wants us to be) and i don't care where they sleep !
She got quite possessive tonight when I flirted (didn't mean to) with one her friends I as i picked my boys up. I suppose if she feels jealously towards me it's a good thing.
How she is behaving (most of the time) she gives the impression she is absolutely completely checked out of the relationship - it's those rare bits of jealously or possessiveness which might be cracks in her facade - is there is a facade !
I hate to see the effect this is having on my S8 - he is so sad - and both boys are really miserable when i leave W house.
W going away to holiday home for 2 weeks with boys. OM based in the area - going to be a hard time without my kids and knowing w is building another relationship.
Agree when i was still wasting my time reasoning - i told her she should be putting energy into out future.
I was quite positive that in time we could come through this but OM kills the positivity heaps.
As for infidelity - maybe - she wanted to leave for about year she reckons - perhaps connecting with someone else in whatever form was enough to make her decide that now is the time.
She already compliments me on my appearance - loosing 44 lbs helped that- i wasn;t that big to begin with.
We never argued ever which is not healthy. W very anti confrontation hence my comments. I never agree unless i believe she is right. To date i've seen her point of view.
Pedestal - yes - i really thought she was in touch with her thoughts / emotions but not any more.
Princess - old nickname from years ago.
Reason we are in this situation is because we never discussed our relationship. W just bottled it up.
She still gets jealous of me and potential other women - that can't be right can it ?
Everhope, have you thought about asking her why she feels lonely and 'broken'?
if you are enjoying each other so much during hte day then maybe it's something you can talk about... and if she doesn't want to then at least you know that it's not the right time yet.
As for being patient (or not), it's not necessarily masculine or feminine - i am a terribly impatient person despite being female and it's also one fo the most important things that ineed to be - patient! and it can be so hard to do. bon courage like we say here in France, mamanpc
Me49-WAW H46 T25 S17D14S10 Sep.jan08,PA,back Apr08,H PA Dec08,end09 New Thread
Since she dropped the bomb we have been getting on really well (as we did before the bomb was dropped). We had a really good evening 2 weeks ago and the following morning i asked how that felt - she said that is how it would be when we good friends.
She's lonely because she is missing me and broken i presume from the guilt and the hurt she's causing the children and me.
Spoke to her last week re other man - namely when it all began. She met him 3 days before dropping bomb with no physical contact - purely emotional, Sounds far fetched but i believe her.
She said that "he was an anchor for her to help her from re entering the relationship after she had dropped the bomb" Took all my control not to blow my top.
So if she hadn't met him we would be trying at out marriage and everyone including the kids would be a whole lot happier.
Might quiz her on that cos it makes no sense. If you need "help" to stay out of R - should you really be out of it ????
She also said she loved me but could not live with me. I didn't ask but she said she was not coming back. Since she moved out i've lost count of how many times she has told me she loves me. I don't tell her - she absolutely knows how i feel
Had a huge cuddle goodbye - she initiated - before she set off for her 2 weeks break (in OM neigbourhood)
She seems determined not to try at R. I think she has experienced a lot of hurt and unhappiness from the R and just does not want to risk more. She has accepted that i have change but i don't think for her it has completely sunk in.
She gives the complete impression - it is over - get over me - move on
Went away for weekend snow kiting (big kite and snow board). Can't enjoy anything - 90% of the time she is on my mind. GAL is a good idea but EVERYTHING i do i still think of her.
everhope, her OM is her lifeboat. You are the ship. She's working the ship/lifeboat system. She's scared to be on her own. She couldn't leave you until she found a potential lifeboat. When the ship appears to be sinking, launch a lifeboat.
Give her time to realize that a lifeboat isn't as nice as a full size ship. Be the most attractive funnest ship ever. Lifeboats can't compare, they're fun at first, but not in the long run.
make sense ?
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Just thought - so far she spends time with OM while someone else looks after kids (mainly me).
It's just a complete artificial way of interacting for a mother of two. Reckon that's part of the attraction - she is back in her freedom years as far as she is concerned.
There is a massive difference between a "holiday" romance and "normal" day to day living.
However i think the core issue is hurt she has experienced in our relationship preventing her from progressing our R - she has had enough and can't risk more.
